I am

I am, I exist, I wake up every day
I’m lost in the mist of my own lonely way
I’ve tried many times
Reached as far as I could
Drawn north and then south
Between bad and then good

I had to pretend it would all be ok
To live in a world where I am just a stray
I’ve cried many times
I am broken inside
Born lonely my heart
In the darkness I hide

These Skin and Bones – poem

I could write a million poems
Crafted carefully of words so old
Speak softly in the voice God gave
But still my truth would not be told

Some things we simply can’t convey
That dwell within our heart and soul
Pushed in this world, alone we bow
With endless longing to be whole

I heard her say that happiness
Is waking joyful to exist
Oh love – the only key to this
My eyes are shut when I am kissed

We’re people made of candle wax
Though light I shine is wasted here
I long to just be noticed too
I dance around but hide in fear

Let’s sing a pretty song to end
Sad notes and painful undertones
Hope someday through the mist of time
You’ll understand these skin and bones

Today in various hospital departments

Today began with a hospital visit dropping back my sleep apparatus. Then home, at some point in the afternoon I could not stay awake any longer and had a nap. I planned to do a workout early evening, and was just putting my trainers on when Dad asked me to take his temperature. He’s had a virus, I took it and it was high. So workout cancelled.

This evening and another hospital visit with dad. Usual checks before they decided he was fine to go home. Exhausted.

Night peeps x

The sleep clinic

So tonight I have to sleep with this thing on my wrist and finger, and then I have to return it to the hospital tomorrow morning. I also have to keep a sleep diary.

If this test doesn’t show anything up, apparently I will have to do a second test wearing something which resembles a suicide bomb. Yikes.

The reason is that they suspect I have sleep apnea, which to the heart is apparently the equivalent of running a marathon every night (without the fitness to go with it).

I don’t know if I have it, or some other sleep disorder. I just hope they find out what goes on in my sleep because waking up gasping for air every night is scary and I feel so tired and drained every day.

After an upsetting yesterday, which I won’t go into, today was so good. My mum was too unwell to celebrate mothers day until now, so finally we got out for a meal. It was a beautiful day and we were all enjoying it..

Out of the blue my brother said he had a ticket to go and see the ladyboys of bankok. I came up with every excuse, but they persuaded me to go. It was amazing and I had the best night I’d had in years. It was the first time I had danced and felt free in years. It a amazing

Tonight – SoundCloud

I have shared this before. I am going to get a new keyboard, I have had my current one for 20 years! This is one of the last songs written on the old keyboard..

Listen to Tonight by Estia #np on #SoundCloud