Black

Dad has been in hospital since Thursday.. He is now back on chemo and thalidomide.. But the abnormal protein from the cancer has caused problems with his kidneys.

I’ve been here for hours every day, and then when I get home I’m tired but need to feed mum and try to get washing and cleaning done. It seems very difficult to get answers at the hospital and the right hand never seems to know what the left hand is doing. Dad has been moved three times on this emergency ward. He was meant to be moving to the renal ward.. But no beds are available.

I can’t tell you how hard I am finding everything. He is not ever likely to be well again, as this cancer is so evil. I feel so sad, scared and alone.

In less than two weeks mum will be in here for her hernia operation.. I’m just trying to get through each day at the moment.

The beginning of 2019

I’m really really sad. Spent the night in tears, looking through old pictures of dad. My heart is breaking for real..

I knew I was dreading his hospital appointment yesterday. For good reason. He now has tumors in his ribs, spine and pelvis and his blood protein levels are high. He’s going back on chemo but without being able to take steroids his chances of remission are not good. So the consultant wants to try him on a different steroid. However, he’s going to ask the psychiatrist who looked after him last year (we didn’t like him) whether he will give the go ahead. If he says no then we’re basically fucked. We would fight that decision.

On top of everything, he’s ill in bed with a nasty cold and faringitis. I’m really worrying because his immune system is compromised with this disease as it affects his white blood cells. I don’t know how worried I should be or how to know if he is developing an infection. Plus I feel awfully guilty because he caught the cold from me.

I did celebrate new year’s eve quietly at home with mum and dad, but in my heart I didn’t want this year to ever start. I know it is going to be extremely tough and I don’t feel strong enough to go through it. I don’t know how to get from one day to the next and I’m shit scared.

Christmas and New Year

Dad’s cancer is getting bad again so he has to go back to see his consultant on the 3rd January and will go back on chemo. They are also putting him on thalidomide and trying a different steroid. There is a risk of him going psychotic again which is very worrying.. But apparently the risk is less than dexamethasone.

Mum’s op is on the 1st Feb, which is a real worry. I’m so scared now that she won’t survive. And by then dad will be suffering with the sickness of chemo.. So happy days ahead(not).

We’re not doing Christmas presents this year. None of us wanted the stress or expenditure. My brother and sister in law are coming Christmas eve and will probably stay a few nights. We are doing a proper Christmas dinner.

I need to be very careful with the drinking. I have a tendency to use alcohol as a way of escaping the problems of life, but it always ends in disaster. I do not want to ruin Christmas.

New years eve can do one. I hate that night and don’t feel like celebrating the start of next year. If 2018 was shit, I’m sure 2019 will be shitter.

My homeless friend 🙁

With regard my homeless friend who is out there with his gorgeous dog, Alarm bells have been ringing for a long time. But I chose to ignore my instinct and tried to believe him. I ignored how small his pupils were. I ignored how he was nodding out..he said he was tired from other meds. I let him dismiss the strangely looped piece of string I found in his pocket when I was washing all his clothes.. I let him tell me lie after lie.

Throughout November he had a Facebook fundraiser going to raise money for a deposit. I was hugely instrumental in getting him donations by sharing this with my friends and on local pages constantly, saying what a lovely guy he is. We raised £652.

The Facebook fundraiser page seemed to indicate that these funds would be instantly available to him, but he has been telling me ever since that they have messed up and haven’t given him the money. The same way he tells me his benefit money keeps getting messed up.

He promised me that he would no way touch that £652 (of which I donated £50 and my parents donated £100). I’ve been searching relentlessly for a place for him on the basis that the £652 for a deposit still exists.

So.. Yesterday he texted that he was trying to sort out some mess but couldn’t tell me what. My trust for him has been getting less and less, so yesterday I took it upon myself to message Facebook and ask why he had not received the money. I texted and told him I had done this.

Finally today he confessed that in the last week he has suddenly relapsed and used heroin and the money has all gone.

I’m devastated, angry, pissed off.. Whatever you want to call it. I feel like a mug. And I don’t for one minute believe he didn’t shoot up until this last week. Looking back, my instinct knew all along but refused to believe it.

Between my parents and I we are £400 worse off, but fuck that. Worst of all I have been lied to and taken for a mug. I have been influential in getting people I know and also complete strangers to part with their hard earned cash. To me, it is theft because they gave that money based on a lie and to be put towards a particular use.

I do of course understand that his addiction is an illness, and that the person is controlled by the drug. I’m very torn now, because I don’t want to abandon him or not still be a friend /moral support to him. But I can no longer search for a home because he doesn’t have a deposit. And I am not going to part with anymore money. We were even offering to be his guarantor, but absolutely no chance of that now.

I think he has been a terrible fool to do this. Most homeless people don’t get that kind of money raised nor do they have the support around that he has had. And yet he has abused it all.

Devastated

Had Enough of Everything

I don’t know how to express how I am feeling.. desolate, numb, angry with the world.

It wasn’t enough that Dad was diagnosed with incurable blood cancer a year ago, but now Mum’s health is deteriorating quite badly. Her hernia episodes have become more and more frequent causing her pain and vomiting. On Tuesday she was so bad all day that in the evening we called an ambulance and went to hospital. The lovely nurse gave mum some hope that they might treat her hernia at last (she has been waiting since February). They told her to come back at 9 in the morning when the surgeon would speak with her.

So, the following morning we hang around for over six hours, only for a tubby man with a big attitude to tell mum quite coldly that if they operate there is significant risk of death, especially because of her weight and also her heart vessels are narrowed (nobody ever fucking told us any of this before). After ten months of waiting and suffering during which time it was never suggested that she should lose weight, suddenly he drops this shitty bombshell. Then he just sent her home, feeling utterly devastated and lower in morale than I have ever seen her. She is now saying that she’s too scared to have the operation.. but she has no quality of life as she is.

I’m terrified I’m going to lose both of them. I have nobody else.. not even extended family. My brother is not someone I would turn to for support. We are just too different.

As for me, I finally got my chest x-ray done today. I’ve had this cough for about six weeks and haven’t felt able to exercise.

Every day I send email after email looking for a home for my homeless friend. But I get rejection after rejection because of his dog.. and today I even got accused of being a scammer by some bell-end on Airbnb. It’s freezing out there and there is no hope for someone in his situation..

Another friend is trying to come to terms with having lost most of his bowel in an op.. he has to be drip fed for twelve hours a day. And another friend is in hospital with chronic pancreatitis and now flu! Dad won’t come near me now in case I am carrying it!

So I quite frankly feel like giving up on everything.

Hohoho Merry Christmas

People and me.. Why do I bother?

I feel drained and spent right now. Like the world has sucked the life out of me. People take and take but never give back to me, and I’m not talking about money, although I have now spent over £235 on my homeless friend. And I find out that he spends a lot of it on weed. I understand that he finds life hard and needs a vice.. But I am not working and have spent so much time and energy trying to help him, I don’t mind getting necessities for him but to me weed is a piss take.

Almost two months ago I spent hours of hard labour clearing and cleaning another friends rancid rubbish from her flat.. And taking it to the tip. I turned up with pizza for her. She had since had the whole flat decorated, but do you think I’ve heard from her or had an invite to see the newly decorated flat? Of course fucking not. I don’t want much, just to feel of worth. That’s all.

What I really long to get back from people is the sense that they acknowledge me as a person who has her own needs, hangups, insecurities.. Someone who is allowed to be weak herself sometimes. Someone who needs a friend to be there for her rather than feeling its my job to be there for the other person. I’m not allowed to need to turn to alcohol to survive, but other people can do what the fuck they feel they need to survive. I’m just supposed to be there for them and then when they hurt me I’m supposed to forgive, even though they damn certainly wouldn’t forgive the same behaviour if it came from me.

I’m sick of people. They drop me like a sack of rubbish, like the friend I went to Malta with did. Like my friend off here did. Like everyone does eventually. So sick of everything, I feel burned out. I don’t belong in this selfish world, I’m too sensitive. I’m fucking exhausted with life. And this cough still won’t go. Fuck it.

P. S. Apologies for my language today, but it kind of expresses how I’m feeling.