Darkness.. Poem (dark)

Shadows dance within these walls
Darkened as the daylight falls
Holding me within their grasp
They choke me to my final gasp

Spider in his webb looks on
Thinking of the days long gone
Spinning out the final thread
Watching me till I am dead

You know me through and through and through
Predicting all that I might do
But you I do not know at all
Glaring at me from the wall

I’m done, I say.. You’ve had your way
And as I kneel, I start to pray
Where is your god? You laugh and grin
Left you cold because of sin?

Ha, now I have you all alone
I shall enjoy your every moan
You foolish girl, you had the world
Now into darkness you’ll be hurled

We have just been…

We have just been away for a couple of nights. The day we went happened to coincide with the day the long heatwave ended. Lol

Even so, we had a lovely break. The hotel was really nice and I had my own double room with a seaview balcony. Luxury.

I have missed having a double bed since I moved back with my parents. I have missed being independent.

I’ve been out a lot recently. I’ve even started driving to the gym on my own. Yesterday there was a power cut when I arrived. The manager walked through to the bar with me and told the staff to look after me and give me what I wanted on the house. I had a glass of wine and some yummy spiced nuts. The power came back quickly and I was able to do and hour and forty minutes in the gym.

I had a second date with that guy. We did kiss, and he’s lovely.. But something was just missing chemistry wise for me. So I sent him a message to tell him in as nice a way as I could, and we said we will be friends. I doubt we really will though.. Who knows. I feel very sad about it.. But at least I have got out and been on a date.

I really do wonder if there is someone out there for me. Or maybe I will find a way of accepting life on my own and being ok that way. It’s hard to imagine, because all I’ve ever imagined was companionship. I guess whatever will be will be.

Dad has been really enjoying his time off treatment. He had the head scan results which were good and showed the tumor in his head to have shrunk right down. But we have an appointment with his consultant on the 28th and will find out how his blood count is and if/when he has to go back on the dreaded chemo.

It’s all just a case of taking each day at a time and trying to appreciate what we have.

I hope those of you reading this are doing well.

Love and peace

The long British summer and how much it means to us..

This year is honestly the first good summer in the UK I have ever known. It has been hot sunshine for the last five or six weeks, with it set to continue.

I am a sunshine gal, always have been. It just makes me feel better. And it seems apt that it is also the first year in 20 that my parents have been unable to go abroad for their holiday. They always go to Greece.

It also just so happens that, whilst in not so good circumstances (dad’s first treatment plan has been abandoned as failed) they have given him a few months off treatment to enjoy life. He is loving it.. Being able to eat again and not having nausea a few days every week. And not having to go to that dreaded hospital. We are literally living for the moment and trying not to think of the future.

We have had several day trips to the seaside, have swam lots in the sea and are going away this week for two nights and the week after for three nights, during which we are also going to see one of our favourite singers.

I don’t ever want this summer to end. If only I could capture it and keep it.

Sending out love and peace..

Here’s a couple of pictures of the sunset I took one day on the way home from the beach..

Love and fear

I long for you every day, and yet you scare me beyond words. If I am to let you get to me, then I must become utterly vulnerable. I must entrust you with my delicate heart and watch you play with it foolishly. I won’t be able to take it back from you. I will hope that in return you will let me hold yours.. and I will promise to take good care of it. But I know that both of us are weak and fallible beings.

The walls I have built around me seem pretty sturdy, but whilst you may try to get in.. Inside I am desperate to get out. Someday maybe you will get hold of a big hammer and smash it down. Then you will find me cowering beneath the ruins of my own wall and you will have to uncover me. I wonder if you will ever think me worth that kind of effort. If you do, you will hold my heart.

There are only two who have held my heart, albeit in a different light. My parents have my heart and full trust, they are my world. But now I feel afraid that it will slip through their fingers before long. It will fall on the ground and smash, not because they no longer love me back, but because the world will have chewed them up and spat them back out. As much as they want to stay with me forever, they cannot.. And I know my heart will be broken forever. I’m scared beyond words.

Realising that even my parents will leave me does cause me to become ever more fearful of letting you close. But at the same time, knowing that they will someday leave me makes me wake up and smell the coffee. My parents long to see me happy, settled and living properly before they go. They long for grandchildren, and whilst that is a very unlikely outcome.. If there is to be any chance of them seeing these things, I have to step out of my comfort zone. I have to because you will probably never turn up on this doorstep and carry me off into the sunset. Those scenarios are cruelly shown to little girls who grow up believing in a fairytale.

I don’t believe in fairytale, but I still believe in love, as much as it terrifies me. And I want to have a chance of my parents seeing me happy before they die.

So.. that is why tomorrow I am stepping right out of my comfort zone to have my first date in three and a half years.

Wish me luck, nervous is not even the word..

Weight, exercise and that thing called depression.

Exercising when you are depressed is unbelievably hard. But it is true that exercise releases endorphins and is therefore beneficial to anyone suffering depression.

As someone who has been largely housebound for the last three and a half years, but a previous super fit gym addict, my fitness was the final remnant of normality I strived to hold onto. But eventually failed.

It has been hard. So hard, and largely I have been fighting a losing battle. As often as I can fight the depression and the negative demons in my head, I drag myself into a lonely and certainly not air conditioned kitchen..put on some upbeat tunes and do the best I can. Often a long mental battle occurs before I get there, and more often the depression wins and I don’t get there at all.

It hurts to think that three and a half years ago I was super fit and for the first time ever I was OK with my figure. As shallow as that might sound, my entire life since about 9 years old has been obsessed with trying to change my figure. And that’s the headspace I find myself back in right now.

The other thing this loathsome depression has made me do is comfort eat. And gain weight. Because, quite frankly I could exercise every day, but if I’m eating more calories than I’m expending the resulting outcome will be this wobbly blob I currently despise.

I am one of countless people who struggle with their weight. I can’t stand when naturally thin people say things that are judgemental of the overweight. The relationship with food is so often much more than what on paper is so damn simple. It is an emotional addiction. It is plastering over something so much deeper.

Weight loss on paper is a mathematical equation. You merely need to create a calorie deficit by means of healthy eating or exercise, but ideally a mixture of both working together. It sounds so simple. A deficit of 3500 calories will lose you one pound of fat. But when your head and emotions are the obstacle.. It becomes less simple.

I do know what I have to do. I know how to do it and that I have done it before. But what i don’t know is how to stop my comfort eating and how to motivate myself when I feel so low. I’m going to give it my best shot.

I have reached a point of self loathing that could be my new motivation.. I got to the gym on Tuesday for the first time since dad’s diagnosis last October. It was hard, but thanks to the times I have managed to drag myself into the kitchen and workout, I still have a basic fitness level from which I can work. The first time is the hardest. That is done. I plan to go again tonight if I can work past this heavy low feeling. I’m really tired so will probably try and get a sleep first.

My current weight is 10 stone 7.5 (147.5lb). I’ve decided to tell you this so that I can take you on my new journey of exercise and diet until I get back to my ideal weight. Because I will do it. I will. PMA

I am

I am, I exist, I wake up every day
I’m lost in the mist of my own lonely way
I’ve tried many times
Reached as far as I could
Drawn north and then south
Between bad and then good

I had to pretend it would all be ok
To live in a world where I am just a stray
I’ve cried many times
I am broken inside
Born lonely my heart
In the darkness I hide

These Skin and Bones – poem

I could write a million poems
Crafted carefully of words so old
Speak softly in the voice God gave
But still my truth would not be told

Some things we simply can’t convey
That dwell within our heart and soul
Pushed in this world, alone we bow
With endless longing to be whole

I heard her say that happiness
Is waking joyful to exist
Oh love – the only key to this
My eyes are shut when I am kissed

We’re people made of candle wax
Though light I shine is wasted here
I long to just be noticed too
I dance around but hide in fear

Let’s sing a pretty song to end
Sad notes and painful undertones
Hope someday through the mist of time
You’ll understand these skin and bones