I want to reach out. I want to be reachable. I want to be watered and fed before I die. I am lost in a world of fear and loneliness.
Drink has been my friend at times. The kind of friend who fools you and takes you for all you have before throwing you out. The kind you keep being drawn back to but you can’t understand why. You don’t answer their calls for months on end, but they never give up.. They never fully let you go.
I’ve longed to be wanted so much that I’ve been able to convince myself that lust is something deeper than the shallow crap it is. Never has it touched upon the pain of craving connection and love. Never has it made me happy. Never has anything remotely healed me.
I do feel a sense that I am coming to understand why I have never found love. Because I have never loved myself. It always sounded such a cliché – one must love oneself before they can be loved. But I really think it is true. I think that now I must step out and do whatever it takes to start loving myself, for real, once and for all.
So if anyone understands and has advice on how to start caring about and loving yourself, please do comment with your advice. I know I need to find a way and start making progress somehow.