Struggling 

I should be sleeping but I can’t stop crying. I’m feeling desolate right now. I’m longing for someone to talk to, someone who genuinely cares. 

Nothing seems quite real. This date three months ago we were off on holiday unaware of what lay ahead. 

Dad started seeing double vision during the last week of our holiday. He said it was because he had got sun cream in his eye, and I believed him. When we got home, he went to the eye hospital and apparently he had suffered a mini stroke. There was some mistake whereby they didn’t refer him to the tia clinic, and a week later dad chased it up and was referred. First mri scan.. He phoned me and his voice shaking told me they had found a tumor behind his eye. 

I could not believe my ears, I literally fell on the floor in tears. Then they kept him in overnight and said the tumor was in fact at the base of his skull outside the brain. More scans, weeks of waiting and worrying. A blood test. More waiting. Bone marrow biopsy. Pet scan. More waiting and worrying, and finally last Friday we were told that he has multiple myeloma. 

He has just had strong steroids, is to start radiotherapy the week after next and nine months of chemotherapy. I can’t bear the thought of him suffering. I can’t bear that life may never be the same again. I can’t bear the thought of ever losing him. 

I’m not strong anyway. I struggle with small things in life, I don’t leave the house on my own and dad is my rock. He is the one I turn to. He always picks me up. I feel like my heart is breaking. 

And then today at the cancer centre we meet a man who has been given three months to live. He was there with his wife and they were both so smiley and joking, they were incredible. I will never forget them. I feel guilty for being so upset because our situation is not as bad as theirs. But I don’t seem to be able to help how I feel. 

Don’t get me wrong, I’m trying my hardest to be positive especially in front of dad. I just keep hearing the words the consultant said “I can’t cure you”. 

Weirdly, I’ve taken on all the jobs dad used to do in the house(mum has done very little for years) .. And I’ve thrown myself into cooking nice meals and recipes for mum and dad. It has helped me to feel I am doing something and kept me busy enough to not go insane. 

But I’m also exhausted. I’m really struggling to make sense of anything. What is it all about? I really don’t know. 

Author: halfthegirlblog

Poet, storyteller, songwriter, photographer, artist, lonely dreamer, despairing believer in God. I am trying to rebuild my life after some bad times and mental health issues.

4 thoughts on “Struggling ”

  1. I’m not going to “like” this post because it seems wrong to do so when you’re clearly suffering. I don’t know what to tell you, except to say that I remember when my former mother in law was diagnosed with cancer and she beat it, despite the odds. I know it must be terrifying and you’re probably going through all sorts of emotions right now, but don’t feel guilty for not feeling strong. This would be immensely difficult for anyone to deal with, with or without mental health issues.

    Anyway, you are in my thoughts but I wish I could help somehow ❤

    Liked by 1 person

      1. No need to thank me. I’m sorry you feel that no one is listening…it’s really painful to go through difficult times and feel alone x

        Like

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