The ticking time bomb within me seems louder at the moment. I recently turned 37, and keep hearing in the media how fertility drops after 36.
I always thought things would be different. I thought I would be settled with a loving partner and that we would make babies together. I thought things would work out.
My mum has never made any secret of how much it saddens her to not have grandchildren. She feels envious when other people talk about theirs, and I feel so guilty for not giving that. It seems to me unlikely that I ever will. I have endometriosis which makes it harder to conceive anyway. It also seems unlikely that I will ever fall in love.. Which is what I wanted all my life above all things. Children or no children, a loving companion, soulmate.. That is what I craved.
I think this subject is particularly on my mind now because of dad’s illness. He would be an amazing grandfather. I’d love to see him playing with my child. I’d love him to be able to walk me down the aisle.
I get that plenty of people can’t have children. I know I have to accept whatever happens in life.. But it seems more painful to not give my parents grandchildren. Life is one big ball of pain really ain’t it!