Is this what you’re here for?

Sometimes you sit there and think ‘there must be a way to reach out ‘. The silence is not kind, you fill it with the things they put on television. But those things are there to numb our brains. You make coffee, it smells ok.. Tastes the same.

The agony aunt talks of loneliness. She says that some people just find it hard to make friends. She sounds warm and kind, you long to talk to someone like that. Two, maybe three kindred spirits will get through on that phone in. And you realise you are watching on plus one anyway. Everything is null and void. Including you. 

The heaviness in your stomach, your legs, your head, heart and soul.. Runs through your veins and pools inside drowning you. You haven’t showered yet. Do you smell? Do you care? You never get dressed unless you  have to go somewhere. 

Is this what you’re here for? The gift of life is precious, you know that now more than ever. Why are you wasting away? Why are you allowing this to happen? So c’mon.. What are you going to do to change things? Because you are the only one who can change things. 

If you could feel connected with the world somehow, it might help. You could go on Facebook. But those 435 ‘ friends ‘ are not friends but acquaintances. A couple you see once in a blue moon. You could post something trying to allude to how desolate you feel, but you will get a disappointing few emoticons and not much more. Each time you excitedly check your phone to see who cares your heart will sink a little more.

You could join a Facebook group. But you’ve tried that and no friendships have come of it. You could go on a dating site. But how can you explain your situation and who would understand? It takes a lot of time and messages to even have an inkling of their personality. And you don’t hand out trust easily. You’re not in a position to invest in any relationship anyway. 

You could write a blog. But who would be interested in what you have to say? You’re in a low place and people don’t like to surround themselves with negative crap. Again  you might get a few likes here and there.

But you are not just this sad person. There is so much more. With the right people you are childlike and silly, you are bright and someone who reflects on the things that matter and who wants to help make the world a better place for both people and animals. If only you could. You feel small and powerless. You long to live but you are scared. You long to have real friends who want to stick around in bad times. 

So what do you do? You feed the birds, squirrels and hedgehogs. That’s what you do. 

Author: halfthegirlblog

Poet, storyteller, songwriter, photographer, artist, lonely dreamer, despairing believer in God. I am trying to rebuild my life after some bad times and mental health issues.

6 thoughts on “Is this what you’re here for?”

  1. I’ve had similar thoughts – more than once. I think perhaps the social internet magnifies things – makes things seem much worse than they really are, because it’s like this poisonous highlight reel of everybody else’s “who can piss the highest” life.

    Liked by 1 person

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