Feeling really low and alone today. I think after recent events which I still haven’t written fully about..(actually I spent ages typing last night and my laptop crashed and lost everything. That pissed me off a lot). I’ve now got time to think again and take stock of it all.
The only two people I have in my life and I live for are my parents. I’ve always had fear and anxiety about losing them someday. I faced it all once fifteen years ago when mum had cancer. Back then I was an emotional wreck.
Thankfully mum had a successful operation and, touch wood, is doing well although she has many health issues. But now dad has cancer and it is not one which can be cured. We can hope that he will be lucky enough to get a good remission period..
Strangely, when mum was diagnosed all those years ago, I literally cried all the time. This time, I have not. It has fallen to me to be the strong one, to do all the cooking, washing, driving.. Which actually I’m delighted to do. But my emotions are more shut away. Maybe I’ve hardened.. Maybe I’ve grown up. I don’t think either of those two things to be true. I’m not strong, I feel extremely fragile and I am not a grown up.
Whenever the sad time comes that my parents are no longer around, I will have nobody. I do not see that I will carry on.
Valentines day is on the horizon again. I’ve dreamt my whole life of feeling special this day. I am 37 and it has never happened. Never have I had a nice meal for valentines, flowers or anything. I always try to pretend I don’t care of forget it exists. But secretly it hurts every time. I know it’s just another commercial ploy to take money off people.. But still.
I guess you can tell I’m feeling pretty sorry for myself today and depressed. My hormones are also screwing with me.. And I feel fat and horrid. Whilst I’ve been out a lot more and faced a lot recently because of dad’s illness.. I still don’t have any life of my own or independence. I don’t seem to be able to keep on top of anything, it always feels like I’m clawing through life trying to catch up. And I’m so tired. And lonely. Yes mostly lonely and afraid 😢