It’s often hard to put feelings into words. Mine are usually so muddled. Today, like many other days, there is a feeling of anxiety /dread in my gut and fear.
I can’t really pinpoint any one factor making me feel this way, one thing is of course worrying about dad. Another is the fear of the outside world. I’ve not gone out alone in three years, but in recent times whilst I have been occupied with trying to get the help for dad, I have surprised myself with being able to do a lot more than I believed I could. I have talked to many doctors about dad, and have wandered around hospital corridors with many strangers around. I suppose my focus has been entirely on dad’s well being and not on myself and my fears.. And as a result I now realise I could be capable of trying to do more. And I’m so hungry for it, to have a life of my own again. I don’t think I could ever be the old me again. But actually I don’t want to be the old me again.
I always worried about seeing old ghosts if I went out. And oddly enough, I have seen most of them over the last two months. The two I dread seeing the most I have not seen, but it occurred to me that they should be more worried about seeing me than the other way around! They did bad things and lied to the police, their consciences should be eating them up. So why am I the one who has spent the last three years afraid to go out? I’m not someone who wants to ever hate or wish harm on anyone, but I do hope for karma. My idea of karma is for someone to be brought to a level of understanding whereby they finally ‘get’ it and the pain they caused, so that they become remorseful in their hearts.
There’s so much going through my mind right now. I am desperate to live again. And I’m so desperate to not lose my dad, the other crap pales into insignificance really. Dad and mum are all that matters, Life is all that matters. Screw the rest.