We’ve never really known our neighbours. Families and couples have come and gone over the years.. As a child the house on the left was owned by the local hospital, and mostly Indian doctors came and went. They were the most friendly.. in fact we stayed with the last family when they were in Warrington and also In Ireland. We are only in contact via facebook these days, as they now live in India.
The hospital put the house up for sale, and it sat empty for a long time. The garden became extremely overgrown and as children it was exciting because we said it was haunted and would creep in. It was eventually bought by a couple.. a mason and his partner. We have had an interesting relationship with them over the years.. I always found him scary and threatening.. you certainly would not want to be on the wrong side of him. I know he was not in the best of health, and last week he sadly had a heart attack and died suddenly. I feel very sad for his family.
Life is fragile indeed.
I had barely spoken to our neighbours on the other side, until the night when Dad was losing his mind and got himself shut out in the cold. The lady kindly rescued him from the mean man over the road(who apparently was shouting at Dad telling him he was crazy). She took him in and managed to phone us to come and get him. Then she popped in to bring us a card just before Christmas and we dropped some biscuits in to them and stayed for a coffee and chat.
If you saw the guy in the street, you would just think him a normal blokey bloke. I was surprised when he told us he suffers with depression. He said something that resonated with me a lot – “I struggle to see the point in it all.. go to work, come home.. do the same things over and over.”
It’s strange, but i’ve always felt that way. Like there must be more than this. I remember years ago arriving home from work and just sitting in my car at night, in silence watching lights flicker on, off, children bouncing past windows.. cars passing by. And I just sat there, numb, lost and wondering why. I felt a strange sense of emptiness.. there in the dark silence, nobody knowing I was there. On the outside looking in, alone and unhappy. And those were the days when I had a ‘life’ a job.. but I was utterly alone and lost even then. Always searching for my meaning and place in it all but never finding it.
Just recently I have braved going out a couple of times. Once on Friday with a friend I rarely see.. we had a nice lunch together. Then today I had lunch with my friend David.. we have been friends for almost 20 years. Again we don’t see each other often. Funnily enough, my late aunt and his mum plotted to set us up together at my cousin’s wedding. They failed, but we did strike up a lasting friendship. Next week I am meeting another lady friend for dinner.. I don’t really know her. We knew each other from our old drama group and she sent me some lovely messages on facebook when Dad was having his mental breakdown.
It will sound ridiculous, because to many of you these are normal easy things to do.. going out for lunch. But I worried all night last night. Simple things are ridiculously hard to do. Once I was there, it was not nearly as bad as my stupid mind imagined, and actually I gained a little confidence.
I’m desperately trying to get practised at going out a little before my friend arrives from the USA (the one I met through blogging). I want to be able to go out and meet her, I want to be able to spend time with her. I’m really looking forward to it but i’m also getting anxious. I hope all will work out just fine, most importantly I want my friend to really enjoy her time here. She is a very lovely person who has been having such a tough time lately..
Tomorrow we are going to meet my brother for a drink. I am feeling so exhausted, because i’m not used to going out and socialising.. it is very draining. But i’m really pushing myself, and my brother has been feeling hurt and disconnected from us, as he doesn’t live close or have transport. And Dad keeps refusing to see him as he doesn’t want to catch bugs.. he even told him he thinks he doesn’t keep clean ! ! Dad can be quite insensitive at times..
So anyway, it is late and I have seriously been rambling as usual. I don’t actually believe anyone reads this crap.
I have a secret tonight – I opened a bottle of red wine and am having a glass. I shouldn’t be but I have got this.
Love to you all xxx