Sad Reflection.. Poem

When the person who hurts you is yourself..

When the one who let’s you down stares back from the mirror..

When the torment comes from your head and the pain is in your core..

When the only one to blame is you..

And you just can’t cope anymore..

When the depth you get to is the crash at the bottom..

And you don’t know if you can claw your way back up..

A lump left on your head..

Somehow through all the pain you’re still glad you’re not dead

The grump nor mum and dad’s health spoiled my first concert in years

Tonight I was in a different town for a concert with my parents. We almost didn’t make it in because mum was unwell with her pain re her hernia. Then I missed the first song because I had to queue for the ladies.. And when I got in I asked mum (quietly) how she was feeling. My god, the man in front did the most dramatic and aggressive head turn I’ve ever seen. Needless to say, I didn’t make another sound. Then at the interval I tapped him on the shoulder and apologised for speaking earlier but that mum hasn’t been well and I was asking her how she was feeling.

The second half we were all quiet, and at the end I made the awful mistake of asking him if they enjoyed the show. He then said.. and I quote.. “you need to work on your apologies.. we all have personal tragedies”.. Wow. What an uptight prick (language young lady). I got away quick but find myself considering how frequently he must get himself into arguments and grief.. Or how often he must be dissatisfied with life. Get a grip mate… Some people seem to want constant drama in their lives. I do NOT want that.

Anyway, rant over. Despite that, the first time I’ve seen this artist in several years and it was a great evening. Mum was thankfully OK for the concert, although unable to eat with us beforehand and we thought she wouldn’t be able to go. Dad enjoyed it and now we are in a lovely B&B. I will be amused if that grumpy guy is on the table next to us at breakfast..

Darkness.. Poem (dark)

Shadows dance within these walls
Darkened as the daylight falls
Holding me within their grasp
They choke me to my final gasp

Spider in his webb looks on
Thinking of the days long gone
Spinning out the final thread
Watching me till I am dead

You know me through and through and through
Predicting all that I might do
But you I do not know at all
Glaring at me from the wall

I’m done, I say.. You’ve had your way
And as I kneel, I start to pray
Where is your god? You laugh and grin
Left you cold because of sin?

Ha, now I have you all alone
I shall enjoy your every moan
You foolish girl, you had the world
Now into darkness you’ll be hurled

We have just been…

We have just been away for a couple of nights. The day we went happened to coincide with the day the long heatwave ended. Lol

Even so, we had a lovely break. The hotel was really nice and I had my own double room with a seaview balcony. Luxury.

I have missed having a double bed since I moved back with my parents. I have missed being independent.

I’ve been out a lot recently. I’ve even started driving to the gym on my own. Yesterday there was a power cut when I arrived. The manager walked through to the bar with me and told the staff to look after me and give me what I wanted on the house. I had a glass of wine and some yummy spiced nuts. The power came back quickly and I was able to do and hour and forty minutes in the gym.

I had a second date with that guy. We did kiss, and he’s lovely.. But something was just missing chemistry wise for me. So I sent him a message to tell him in as nice a way as I could, and we said we will be friends. I doubt we really will though.. Who knows. I feel very sad about it.. But at least I have got out and been on a date.

I really do wonder if there is someone out there for me. Or maybe I will find a way of accepting life on my own and being ok that way. It’s hard to imagine, because all I’ve ever imagined was companionship. I guess whatever will be will be.

Dad has been really enjoying his time off treatment. He had the head scan results which were good and showed the tumor in his head to have shrunk right down. But we have an appointment with his consultant on the 28th and will find out how his blood count is and if/when he has to go back on the dreaded chemo.

It’s all just a case of taking each day at a time and trying to appreciate what we have.

I hope those of you reading this are doing well.

Love and peace

The long British summer and how much it means to us..

This year is honestly the first good summer in the UK I have ever known. It has been hot sunshine for the last five or six weeks, with it set to continue.

I am a sunshine gal, always have been. It just makes me feel better. And it seems apt that it is also the first year in 20 that my parents have been unable to go abroad for their holiday. They always go to Greece.

It also just so happens that, whilst in not so good circumstances (dad’s first treatment plan has been abandoned as failed) they have given him a few months off treatment to enjoy life. He is loving it.. Being able to eat again and not having nausea a few days every week. And not having to go to that dreaded hospital. We are literally living for the moment and trying not to think of the future.

We have had several day trips to the seaside, have swam lots in the sea and are going away this week for two nights and the week after for three nights, during which we are also going to see one of our favourite singers.

I don’t ever want this summer to end. If only I could capture it and keep it.

Sending out love and peace..

Here’s a couple of pictures of the sunset I took one day on the way home from the beach..

Just needing to vent

You may recall me previously mentioning a friend I had made via this blog. I haven’t talked about this in detail previously because this person was reading my blog. However, now they have asked that I no longer read theirs, I therefore assume they will respectfully reciprocate and no longer read this and so I can openly discuss.

This person was a transgender female struggling with anxiety and depression among other mental /physical issues. I had never known anyone transgender before, but I saw her as a female from day one. I wanted to be a friend, I felt we had things in common as we both struggled in the world.

We communicated via email and then Facebook and WhatsApp. Initially she came across quite rational and polite and we did have things in common.

Then we started chatting on the phone. These became 2-3 hour conversations during which I tried to do some talking but on the whole I listened to her talking about herself. When I did talk it was usually trying to help her and offering advice, but occasionally I squeezed a few things in about my own life. Rarely did she ask how my dad was or any questions about my life. I understood she was lonely and so was OK with this. But I came to realise how bitter and angry she was. She hated any couple because they were happy and she was not. She even hated people for having other friends. She hated the people she lived with for having lives, then she hated them for leaving even though they gave her a month’s notice. She hated her own siblings.. She just seemed to hate everyone for breathing.

Suddenly she would for no apparent reason block me on WhatsApp. I would write messages on her blog saying I didn’t know what I did but was still there and I still cared. And she would decide to talk to me again. I began to feel like a dispensable object for her to drop and pick up as she chose.

In March she visited her family in the UK and came to see me. I thought we got on well, and I did my best by going out (which I wasn’t used to) driving her around and trying to come up with places she would be comfortable with. I ended up spending a lot of money, but I didn’t mind because I only wanted to make sure she had a good visit. I enjoyed her company, and I enjoyed our chats.

But then she went back to the USA and I was struggling with my depression, stuff with my dad and some of my own health issues. We did speak a couple of times on the phone.. But then I think about 6-8 weeks passed. I kept sending her messages apologising we hadn’t spoken in so long but that i was not in a good place, that it wasn’t her, it was me.. And promising we would speak soon. She said she understood. In fact she had always said she would understand if my depression was bad and I wasn’t up to chatting.

The next thing I knew I got a message telling me to get lost and i was blocked. Once again I went to her blog and asked what I had done, saying I still cared and was still there. She spouted off that I was fake and just like everyone else.

After a few days she said sorry. Everyone here told me I should not talk with her anymore, but I ignored them and we started chatting again. All was well, or so I thought!

Finally, a few weeks ago I was with my brother watching England in the world cup when she sent me a picture of her watching the game. I sent her a pic back and we chatted about football. The following came as a shock to me.. (she is Pansexual but she has always known I’m completely straight)..

She has threatened to quit transition numerous times before. I don’t really understand what is going on.. Its a whole new world for me. But normally she then goes back to wanting to be female again..so I’m really just confused by this. That was the last conversation we had.

Then two weeks later I receive an email..

To which I reply..

Then..

I was discussing it all with a friend on Sunday and saying I was possibly going to forgive again, because I felt I did understand her and that she was struggling and needed a friend, and I still cared. This friend advised that I think about myself and move on.

Then I wrote on here that I had a date arranged.. I figure that she read it and that the envy of which triggered the following..

It’s really so sad. To think that the mere thought of someone going on a date causes such a reaction. She had been on several dates whilst we were friends and I encouraged her to go, and then encouraged her to not be so negative about the people she met. A real friend wants to see their friends happy. She was obsessed that if I ever met someone I would no longer be her friend. She obviously doesn’t understand what real friends are, because whilst it may be harder in a relationship, you will always find time for a good friend. That’s my motto and belief anyway.

I see now why she is so alone in the world. And I see what a walkover I was. She thought she could block me again and again and I would just come running back (well I guess I did). She has zero consideration for what I might be going through in my own life, and literally is so self obsessed and bitter it is incredible.

I am not entirely sure why I am writing all this. I think I feel like i just need to vent and couldn’t to her, because she would not listen or care.

I will NOT be treated badly again, people prey on my kind nature, but I am going to be tougher in future for sure.

As for the date.. It went OK but I do not think the chemistry is there. He likes me and I feel I should not dismiss people too quickly without giving them a chance. Apparently chemistry can come later? So it’s unlikely but who knows. He’s a really nice guy.

Love and fear

I long for you every day, and yet you scare me beyond words. If I am to let you get to me, then I must become utterly vulnerable. I must entrust you with my delicate heart and watch you play with it foolishly. I won’t be able to take it back from you. I will hope that in return you will let me hold yours.. and I will promise to take good care of it. But I know that both of us are weak and fallible beings.

The walls I have built around me seem pretty sturdy, but whilst you may try to get in.. Inside I am desperate to get out. Someday maybe you will get hold of a big hammer and smash it down. Then you will find me cowering beneath the ruins of my own wall and you will have to uncover me. I wonder if you will ever think me worth that kind of effort. If you do, you will hold my heart.

There are only two who have held my heart, albeit in a different light. My parents have my heart and full trust, they are my world. But now I feel afraid that it will slip through their fingers before long. It will fall on the ground and smash, not because they no longer love me back, but because the world will have chewed them up and spat them back out. As much as they want to stay with me forever, they cannot.. And I know my heart will be broken forever. I’m scared beyond words.

Realising that even my parents will leave me does cause me to become ever more fearful of letting you close. But at the same time, knowing that they will someday leave me makes me wake up and smell the coffee. My parents long to see me happy, settled and living properly before they go. They long for grandchildren, and whilst that is a very unlikely outcome.. If there is to be any chance of them seeing these things, I have to step out of my comfort zone. I have to because you will probably never turn up on this doorstep and carry me off into the sunset. Those scenarios are cruelly shown to little girls who grow up believing in a fairytale.

I don’t believe in fairytale, but I still believe in love, as much as it terrifies me. And I want to have a chance of my parents seeing me happy before they die.

So.. that is why tomorrow I am stepping right out of my comfort zone to have my first date in three and a half years.

Wish me luck, nervous is not even the word..