Tiny droplets fall into this tranquil pool
I’m looking in, I’m looking out
I’m holding back so not to shout
It’s not a dream, I want to scream
I want to throw me down in pain
I dip my toes into these pure still waters
My feet are wet, my heart dried cold
My youthful ways becoming old
It’s not the end, I can’t pretend
I want to run out in the rain
I want to reach out. I want to be reachable. I want to be watered and fed before I die. I am lost in a world of fear and loneliness.
Drink has been my friend at times. The kind of friend who fools you and takes you for all you have before throwing you out. The kind you keep being drawn back to but you can’t understand why. You don’t answer their calls for months on end, but they never give up.. They never fully let you go.
I’ve longed to be wanted so much that I’ve been able to convince myself that lust is something deeper than the shallow crap it is. Never has it touched upon the pain of craving connection and love. Never has it made me happy. Never has anything remotely healed me.
I do feel a sense that I am coming to understand why I have never found love. Because I have never loved myself. It always sounded such a cliché – one must love oneself before they can be loved. But I really think it is true. I think that now I must step out and do whatever it takes to start loving myself, for real, once and for all.
So if anyone understands and has advice on how to start caring about and loving yourself, please do comment with your advice. I know I need to find a way and start making progress somehow.
I sit and silently stare ahead
The light between leaves dance around walls and bed
Passing heels and children squeals
Men go by with a cough and a sigh
The distant hum of traffic out there
All of the world now going somewhere
But not I
For I sit and wait, in anguish for news
Of whether he may live or die
There were no clues
He seemed so healthy, fit and strong
But inside it secretly ate him away
Wreaking its havoc as we carried on
Taking for granted
So now all I do is look up to the sky
With eyes full of heartbreak
I stamp and ask ‘why?’
The strange way you work
Just a mystery to me
I need him and I am not strong
Don’t you see
Land in my
Where did you go?
I beg for
Can take no more
I bow, I kneel, I pray
Exactly in the way
I always have
I always do
I always will
Be still you say
But I need something back
And I wait.. Still
Looking , searching
Listening for your heartbeat
But only mine
It beats alone
For can a lonely heart
At a world I couldn’t touch
For a hand I couldn’t clutch
As I tried hard to fit in
A big world so full of sin
At the things I had done wrong
Was a yearning to belong
Every day a little more
The young girl I was before
She sat and looked out across the salty horizon, sea spray gently cooling her face. The sky was breathtakingly beautiful this evening. Shades of orange and pink melted into each other, wispy clouds looked like they had been painted on in delicate splashes and strokes. A few birds glided and looked as though they were loving every second of the wind carrying them.. like nothing else mattered but the joy in that moment. And nothing else mattered to her.
How she longed to be them.. to reach out, like she could touch and become one with this distant beauty. It was almost tangible, it seemed like it might heal her, heal the world.. but then it subsided and disappeared before she could get to it. In the blink of an eye it was gone and all that remained was light fading into darkness, leaving her exposed, vulnerable and alone in a messed up world.
She lay in bed that night, reminding herself of that image. She tried to feel how she had felt, peaceful and in wonder at how such beauty could coexist in a world of scary things. It was this beauty that wouldn’t allow her to let go of God, it could not be an accident. It would never allow her to completely give up, and she knew that if she ever lost sight of this image she would be dead inside. So that night she flew up with the birds and soared.
I am a small pile of feathers
As the wind of harsher weathers
Blows forth and Into nothing I disperse
I came from birds who once flew high
Just me and bones left when they die
And now I am a scattered mess
The remnants of a precious life, no less.