Again in poetry 

Tiny droplets fall into this tranquil pool

I’m looking in, I’m looking out

I’m holding back so not to shout

It’s not a dream, I want to scream

I want to throw me down in pain

Again.. Again

I dip my toes into these pure still waters

My feet are wet, my heart dried cold

My youthful ways becoming old

It’s not the end, I can’t pretend

I want to run out in the rain

Again.. Again

How do I love myself? 

I want to reach out. I want to be reachable. I want to be watered and fed before I die. I am lost in a world of fear and loneliness. 

Drink has been my friend at times. The kind of friend who fools you and takes you for all you have before throwing you out. The kind you keep being drawn back to but you can’t understand why. You don’t answer their calls for months on end, but they never give up.. They never fully let you go. 

I’ve longed to be wanted so much that I’ve been able to convince myself that lust is something deeper than the shallow crap it is. Never has it touched upon the pain of craving connection and love. Never has it made me happy. Never has anything remotely healed me. 

I do feel a sense that I am coming to understand why I have never found love. Because I have never loved myself. It always sounded such a cliché – one must love oneself before they can be loved. But I really think it is true. I think that now I must step out and do whatever it takes to start loving myself, for real, once and for all. 

So if anyone understands and has advice on how to start caring about and loving yourself, please do comment with your advice. I know I need to find a way and start making progress somehow. 

The Light Between Leaves – Poem 

I sit and silently stare ahead

The light between leaves dance around walls and bed

Passing heels and children squeals

Men go by with a cough and a sigh

The distant hum of traffic out there

All of the world now going somewhere

But not I
For I sit and wait, in anguish for news

Of whether he may live or die

There were no clues

He seemed so healthy, fit and strong

But inside it secretly ate him away

Wreaking its havoc as we carried on

Taking for granted

The shortness

Of day
So now all I do is look up to the sky

With eyes full of heartbreak

I stamp and ask ‘why?’

The strange way you work

Just a mystery to me

I need him and I am not strong

Cannot cope

Without him

Don’t you see

Faintly Alive – poem

Droplets fall

Land in my

Outstretched hand

I call

My mind

Where did you go?
I beg for

A different

Reflection

I am

So lost

Can take no more
I bow, I kneel, I pray

Exactly in the way

I always have

I always do

I always will

Be still you say

But I need something back

Someday

And I wait.. Still
Looking , searching

Listening for your heartbeat

But only mine

It beats alone

Faintly alive

For can a lonely heart

Ever thrive?

Poem – The Girl I was Before. 

I gasped

Looked out

At a world I couldn’t touch

Kneeled down

And reached

For a hand I couldn’t clutch

I sold

My soul

As I tried hard to fit in

Got lost

Inside

A big world so full of sin

I blinked

In shame

At the things I had done wrong

But

Everything

Was a yearning to belong

I died

Inside

Every day a little more

Never

To be

The young girl I was before

Across the Salty Horizon 

She sat and looked out across the salty horizon, sea spray gently cooling her face. The sky was breathtakingly beautiful this evening. Shades of orange and pink melted into each other, wispy clouds looked like they had been painted on in delicate splashes and strokes. A few birds glided and looked as though they were loving every second of the wind carrying them.. like nothing else mattered but the joy in that moment. And nothing else mattered to her.

How she longed to be them.. to reach out, like she could touch and become one with this distant beauty. It was almost tangible, it seemed like it might heal her, heal the world.. but then it subsided and disappeared before she could get to it. In the blink of an eye it was gone and all that remained was light fading into darkness, leaving her exposed, vulnerable and alone in a messed up world. 

She lay in bed that night, reminding herself of that image. She tried to feel how she had felt, peaceful and in wonder at how such beauty could coexist in a world of scary things. It was this beauty that wouldn’t allow her to let go of God, it could not be an accident. It would never allow her to completely give up, and she knew that if she ever lost sight of this image she would be dead inside. So that night she flew up with the birds and soared.