There must be more than this..

Life has an unlikely way of feeling both underwhelming and overwhelming at the same time. Small tasks and decisions are too much for me, and yet I yearn to be alive. To live.

I want to be alone, and yet the pain of loneliness kills me on a daily basis. Every song, film or television programme.. Every Facebook post, even just sitting in the garden hearing the neighbours together socialising, enjoying barbecues of a warm evening. I’m always on the outside looking on. That is how my entire life has felt.

I’m in this rut, this self created prison. My entire existence is governed by fear, longing and self loathing. I crave to be loved, but I cannot see myself as lovable. I can’t imagine trusting someone enough to allow them an important part of my life, the mere thought of that makes me feel my vulnerability and causes me to retreat.

Even friendship is alien to me. Sure I’ve had friends over the years, but they have only been people I see here and there rather than close friends who would notice if you are unhappy. The ones I ever did get close to abandoned me eventually, and the pain is not something I want to ever risk repeating.

The only two people I’ve ever known would always be there and who truly cared are my mum and dad. Now Dad has cancer and Mum is not in good health and waiting for a hernia operation. I’m scared. No, terrified.

I don’t remember the last warm physical contact I had. My entire being craves to be held in someone’s sheltering arms. I wish someone could break down the walls I have around me and show me that life can be good. Because there must be more than this.

Negative thoughts and me

I go to bed every night thinking I’ve wasted another precious day. I wake up every morning thinking not another fucking day. That’s my routine. I wake up feeling crap, my eyes hurt, my head hurts and I never want to leave my bed. The things I used to enjoy no longer grab me. Nothing does. I don’t know if there’s any fight left in me. The tasks I would have to undertake to ever live a normal life seem insurmountable to me. Overwhelming. To achieve any of them, I would surely need the will to live. But I seem to have mislaid that shit.

I feel sad a lot. I hate myself a lot. And as always that loneliness doesn’t let up. Yet recently I’ve been avoiding any human contact.. I see I’m not helping myself.. But everything just feels so pointless. I haven’t left the house in ages.

On the most part, Dad is doing well. I’ve been avoiding thinking about his illness as much as I can. I’ve been avoiding everything as much as I can.

I hate that I keep hearing Dad on the phone telling people it is terminal. I don’t want to go there, it’s more than I can bear. When the dreadful time comes.. Unless some miracle happens in the near future.. I think I will have to check out too. God knows.

It might be OK if perhaps one thing had worked out in my pathetic life. Career? Friends who truly care? And oh love, the pièce de résistance. The thing I craved my entire life. Love. Not to mention children, who to me could only be a by-product of aforementioned love.

I believe I had a lot of love to give. I believe I might have been a good mother. I believe my life had so much promise once, all of which I wasted.

I long to wake up one day with a spring in my step and a renewed sense of hope. A new zest for living.

One can but dream..

Life and Neighbours

We’ve never really known our neighbours. Families and couples have come and gone over the years.. As a child the house on the left was owned by the local hospital, and mostly Indian doctors came and went. They were the most friendly.. in fact we stayed with the last family when they were in Warrington and also In Ireland. We are only in contact via facebook these days, as they now live in India.

The hospital put the house up for sale, and it sat empty for a long time. The garden became extremely overgrown and as children it was exciting because we said it was haunted and would creep in. It was eventually bought by a couple.. a mason and his partner. We have had an interesting relationship with them over the years.. I always found him scary and threatening.. you certainly would not want to be on the wrong side of him. I know he was not in the best of health, and last week he sadly had a heart attack and died suddenly. I feel very sad for his family.

Life is fragile indeed.

RIP Brian.

I had barely spoken to our neighbours on the other side, until the night when Dad was losing his mind and got himself shut out in the cold. The lady kindly rescued him from the mean man over the road(who apparently was shouting at Dad telling him he was crazy). She took him in and managed to phone us to come and get him. Then she popped in to bring us a card just before Christmas and we dropped some biscuits in to them and stayed for a coffee and chat.

If you saw the guy in the street, you would just think him a normal blokey bloke. I was surprised when he told us he suffers with depression. He said something that resonated with me a lot – “I struggle to see the point in it all.. go to work, come home.. do the same things over and over.”

It’s strange, but i’ve always felt that way. Like there must be more than this. I remember years ago arriving home from work and just sitting in my car at night, in silence watching lights flicker on, off, children bouncing past windows.. cars passing by. And I just sat there, numb, lost and wondering why. I felt a strange sense of emptiness.. there in the dark silence, nobody knowing I was there. On the outside looking in, alone and unhappy. And those were the days when I had a ‘life’ a job.. but I was utterly alone and lost even then. Always searching for my meaning and place in it all but never finding it.

Just recently I have braved going out a couple of times. Once on Friday with a friend I rarely see.. we had a nice lunch together. Then today I had lunch with my friend David.. we have been friends for almost 20 years. Again we don’t see each other often. Funnily enough, my late aunt and his mum plotted to set us up together at my cousin’s wedding. They failed, but we did strike up a lasting friendship. Next week I am meeting another lady friend for dinner.. I don’t really know her. We knew each other from our old drama group and she sent me some lovely messages on facebook when Dad was having his mental breakdown.

It will sound ridiculous, because to many of you these are normal easy things to do.. going out for lunch. But I worried all night last night. Simple things are ridiculously hard to do. Once I was there, it was not nearly as bad as my stupid mind imagined, and actually I gained a little confidence.

I’m desperately trying to get practised at going out a little before my friend arrives from the USA (the one I met through blogging). I want to be able to go out and meet her, I want to be able to spend time with her. I’m really looking forward to it but i’m also getting anxious. I hope all will work out just fine, most importantly I want my friend to really enjoy her time here. She is a very lovely person who has been having such a tough time lately..

Tomorrow we are going to meet my brother for a drink. I am feeling so exhausted, because i’m not used to going out and socialising.. it is very draining. But i’m really pushing myself, and my brother has been feeling hurt and disconnected from us, as he doesn’t live close or have transport. And Dad keeps refusing to see him as he doesn’t want to catch bugs.. he even told him he thinks he doesn’t keep clean ! ! Dad can be quite insensitive at times..

So anyway, it is late and I have seriously been rambling as usual. I don’t actually believe anyone reads this crap.

I have a secret tonight – I opened a bottle of red wine and am having a glass. I shouldn’t be but I have got this.

Love to you all xxx

Ramblings of a sad, Lonely loser

Finally I managed to get my hair done today. Six months since it was last done. No more dark roots.. Back to being blonde. Pointless really as not many if any will see it. But I will not have to look at those dark roots anymore.

My hairdresser is lovely.. She knows a little of my situation and is always really kind and caring towards me. I like her very much. I think she likes me, but that could be just pretend for business purposes.

Dad drove me there and picked me up. He has only just been able to drive again this week. The last time he drove was back from Stanstead when we returned from Greece. I had no idea how bad his double vision was. I screamed once when the vehicle was getting closer and closer to the van we were overtaking on the motorway. He swerved away, but I figure we were closer to our end. Sometimes I think it would have been better if we had all gone together. But then I consider the poor other driver.. And no it would not be better to drag someone else down. Of course dad should not have driven. He admits that himself now, but mum and I had no idea.

He is ok driving now as his eyesight has returned to normal. The radiotherapy and chemo appear to have shrunk that tumor for the time being. So that is good.

But he has missed another two weeks of chemo.. We were back and forth from hospital with his high temperatures and nausea, dehydration and lack of appetite. He still can’t eat much and only really bland food.

I feel in a bad place mentally at the moment. Really depressed, really hopeless. I look at my life and seriously think what a mess it has been, some of my own creating,.. But largely I just don’t feel I could ever belong in this world. I am such a rare species and people just don’t get me.

I’m currently feeling myself going down dark paths again.. Starting to obsess about not eating. Hating myself lots, wanting to drink desperately but that is not possible because I know mum would smell it on my breath straight away. Engaging in dangerous chat on the Internet (my oddest addiction). Sometimes I just crave to be wanted. By men. Sometimes I long to be a woman. I’m frustrated.. With everything.

But for now I must go cook dinner for mum. Dad doesn’t need me for much now. He won’t eat my food and doesn’t need me to drive him. I’m back to being useless.. But of course it’s good that he is improving. I love him and want the best.

Here’s a couple of pictures of the lasagne I baked last night

Unhappy Anniversary

Right about now three years ago you chose to hurt me. I know you thought of nothing but your own selfish bit of pleasure. I hope your conscience eats you up daily, I hope your life was affected. Mine certainly was. I wonder if you even consider that or if you’d care.

I can’t bring myself to use appropriate tags on this.

Is this what you’re here for?

Sometimes you sit there and think ‘there must be a way to reach out ‘. The silence is not kind, you fill it with the things they put on television. But those things are there to numb our brains. You make coffee, it smells ok.. Tastes the same.

The agony aunt talks of loneliness. She says that some people just find it hard to make friends. She sounds warm and kind, you long to talk to someone like that. Two, maybe three kindred spirits will get through on that phone in. And you realise you are watching on plus one anyway. Everything is null and void. Including you. 

The heaviness in your stomach, your legs, your head, heart and soul.. Runs through your veins and pools inside drowning you. You haven’t showered yet. Do you smell? Do you care? You never get dressed unless you  have to go somewhere. 

Is this what you’re here for? The gift of life is precious, you know that now more than ever. Why are you wasting away? Why are you allowing this to happen? So c’mon.. What are you going to do to change things? Because you are the only one who can change things. 

If you could feel connected with the world somehow, it might help. You could go on Facebook. But those 435 ‘ friends ‘ are not friends but acquaintances. A couple you see once in a blue moon. You could post something trying to allude to how desolate you feel, but you will get a disappointing few emoticons and not much more. Each time you excitedly check your phone to see who cares your heart will sink a little more.

You could join a Facebook group. But you’ve tried that and no friendships have come of it. You could go on a dating site. But how can you explain your situation and who would understand? It takes a lot of time and messages to even have an inkling of their personality. And you don’t hand out trust easily. You’re not in a position to invest in any relationship anyway. 

You could write a blog. But who would be interested in what you have to say? You’re in a low place and people don’t like to surround themselves with negative crap. Again  you might get a few likes here and there.

But you are not just this sad person. There is so much more. With the right people you are childlike and silly, you are bright and someone who reflects on the things that matter and who wants to help make the world a better place for both people and animals. If only you could. You feel small and powerless. You long to live but you are scared. You long to have real friends who want to stick around in bad times. 

So what do you do? You feed the birds, squirrels and hedgehogs. That’s what you do. 

Kitchen Activities

Before my life fell apart and I became reclusive I was working as a personal trainer and keeping myself extremely fit. 

Now, I don’t think many people would have the momentum and motivation to keep that fitness level when they don’t leave the house alone. My two biggest loves were running in the fresh air and doing classes at the gym. I loved the sociability of it, ironically now what I hide from. 

So, alas, my fitness has dropped over the past almost three years and I have gained some weight. But one thing I am proud of its that I have kept a reasonable level of fitness. My dad was taking me to the gym, but now he is ill that has stopped and I’ve not been for three months. But at home I do what I call My ‘kitchen workouts ‘ whereby I hijack my parents kitchen for 45 minutes and sweat my pants off. Not terribly hygienic but it’s the only adequate space here. I don’t get the same enjoyment I used to, I have to force my lifeless body into that kitchen. But once I’m in full swing it’s not so bad and afterwards I have a rare sense of achievement. 

The other thing I have thrown myself into since dad got ill is cooking and baking for my parents. I find it helps to be busy and doing something for them, and I’m quite enjoying coming and trying new recipes. Tonight I made seafood Paella and a butternut Squash Pie for tomorrow’s dinner. Dad has his first chemo session late tomorrow afternoon so we won’t get home from hospital until the evening and I doubt I’ll feel like cooking when I get home. 

I’m so scared to let them put that poison into him, but of course I know he has to have the treatment. I hope and pray that the side effects won’t be too awful for him. I hope it will all be worth it, I hope he will be ok.