After an upsetting yesterday, which I won’t go into, today was so good. My mum was too unwell to celebrate mothers day until now, so finally we got out for a meal. It was a beautiful day and we were all enjoying it..

Out of the blue my brother said he had a ticket to go and see the ladyboys of bankok. I came up with every excuse, but they persuaded me to go. It was amazing and I had the best night I’d had in years. It was the first time I had danced and felt free in years. It a amazing

There must be more than this..

Life has an unlikely way of feeling both underwhelming and overwhelming at the same time. Small tasks and decisions are too much for me, and yet I yearn to be alive. To live.

I want to be alone, and yet the pain of loneliness kills me on a daily basis. Every song, film or television programme.. Every Facebook post, even just sitting in the garden hearing the neighbours together socialising, enjoying barbecues of a warm evening. I’m always on the outside looking on. That is how my entire life has felt.

I’m in this rut, this self created prison. My entire existence is governed by fear, longing and self loathing. I crave to be loved, but I cannot see myself as lovable. I can’t imagine trusting someone enough to allow them an important part of my life, the mere thought of that makes me feel my vulnerability and causes me to retreat.

Even friendship is alien to me. Sure I’ve had friends over the years, but they have only been people I see here and there rather than close friends who would notice if you are unhappy. The ones I ever did get close to abandoned me eventually, and the pain is not something I want to ever risk repeating.

The only two people I’ve ever known would always be there and who truly cared are my mum and dad. Now Dad has cancer and Mum is not in good health and waiting for a hernia operation. I’m scared. No, terrified.

I don’t remember the last warm physical contact I had. My entire being craves to be held in someone’s sheltering arms. I wish someone could break down the walls I have around me and show me that life can be good. Because there must be more than this.

Unhappy Anniversary

Right about now three years ago you chose to hurt me. I know you thought of nothing but your own selfish bit of pleasure. I hope your conscience eats you up daily, I hope your life was affected. Mine certainly was. I wonder if you even consider that or if you’d care.

I can’t bring myself to use appropriate tags on this.

Is this what you’re here for?

Sometimes you sit there and think ‘there must be a way to reach out ‘. The silence is not kind, you fill it with the things they put on television. But those things are there to numb our brains. You make coffee, it smells ok.. Tastes the same.

The agony aunt talks of loneliness. She says that some people just find it hard to make friends. She sounds warm and kind, you long to talk to someone like that. Two, maybe three kindred spirits will get through on that phone in. And you realise you are watching on plus one anyway. Everything is null and void. Including you. 

The heaviness in your stomach, your legs, your head, heart and soul.. Runs through your veins and pools inside drowning you. You haven’t showered yet. Do you smell? Do you care? You never get dressed unless you  have to go somewhere. 

Is this what you’re here for? The gift of life is precious, you know that now more than ever. Why are you wasting away? Why are you allowing this to happen? So c’mon.. What are you going to do to change things? Because you are the only one who can change things. 

If you could feel connected with the world somehow, it might help. You could go on Facebook. But those 435 ‘ friends ‘ are not friends but acquaintances. A couple you see once in a blue moon. You could post something trying to allude to how desolate you feel, but you will get a disappointing few emoticons and not much more. Each time you excitedly check your phone to see who cares your heart will sink a little more.

You could join a Facebook group. But you’ve tried that and no friendships have come of it. You could go on a dating site. But how can you explain your situation and who would understand? It takes a lot of time and messages to even have an inkling of their personality. And you don’t hand out trust easily. You’re not in a position to invest in any relationship anyway. 

You could write a blog. But who would be interested in what you have to say? You’re in a low place and people don’t like to surround themselves with negative crap. Again  you might get a few likes here and there.

But you are not just this sad person. There is so much more. With the right people you are childlike and silly, you are bright and someone who reflects on the things that matter and who wants to help make the world a better place for both people and animals. If only you could. You feel small and powerless. You long to live but you are scared. You long to have real friends who want to stick around in bad times. 

So what do you do? You feed the birds, squirrels and hedgehogs. That’s what you do. 

Kitchen Activities

Before my life fell apart and I became reclusive I was working as a personal trainer and keeping myself extremely fit. 

Now, I don’t think many people would have the momentum and motivation to keep that fitness level when they don’t leave the house alone. My two biggest loves were running in the fresh air and doing classes at the gym. I loved the sociability of it, ironically now what I hide from. 

So, alas, my fitness has dropped over the past almost three years and I have gained some weight. But one thing I am proud of its that I have kept a reasonable level of fitness. My dad was taking me to the gym, but now he is ill that has stopped and I’ve not been for three months. But at home I do what I call My ‘kitchen workouts ‘ whereby I hijack my parents kitchen for 45 minutes and sweat my pants off. Not terribly hygienic but it’s the only adequate space here. I don’t get the same enjoyment I used to, I have to force my lifeless body into that kitchen. But once I’m in full swing it’s not so bad and afterwards I have a rare sense of achievement. 

The other thing I have thrown myself into since dad got ill is cooking and baking for my parents. I find it helps to be busy and doing something for them, and I’m quite enjoying coming and trying new recipes. Tonight I made seafood Paella and a butternut Squash Pie for tomorrow’s dinner. Dad has his first chemo session late tomorrow afternoon so we won’t get home from hospital until the evening and I doubt I’ll feel like cooking when I get home. 

I’m so scared to let them put that poison into him, but of course I know he has to have the treatment. I hope and pray that the side effects won’t be too awful for him. I hope it will all be worth it, I hope he will be ok.