After an upsetting yesterday, which I won’t go into, today was so good. My mum was too unwell to celebrate mothers day until now, so finally we got out for a meal. It was a beautiful day and we were all enjoying it..

Out of the blue my brother said he had a ticket to go and see the ladyboys of bankok. I came up with every excuse, but they persuaded me to go. It was amazing and I had the best night I’d had in years. It was the first time I had danced and felt free in years. It a amazing

I’m a mess guys

I came in here tonight to talk to my friend. I put the radio on, they are playing songs which make me emotional. My friend didn’t answer. I’m worried, very worried that she is ok.

I sit drinking limoncello. Tears stream down my cheeks as songs remind me of my long lost best friend James, and days that have come and gone so fast. Songs from my childhood and wedding type songs.. The songs I dream of dancing to my happiest night ever with the love of my life. I dream. I fucking never stop dreaming.

My friend still doesn’t answer. I guess she’s asleep.

Sniff. Slurp

I’m a mess guys. An emotional mess.

Goodnight

Rejection and me

Rejection is no new thing to me. It’s something I should be used to, I should really have built up some immunity to it by now. I get very annoyed with myself that it still gets me, even now. I get annoyed that I dared to believe there would be any other outcome. I try, I fail. That’s my story. It sucks. I don’t want to have feelings anymore. I don’t want to be me anymore.

Low mood..

Feeling really low and alone today. I think after recent events which I still haven’t written fully about..(actually I spent ages typing last night and my laptop crashed and lost everything. That pissed me off a lot). I’ve now got time to think again and take stock of it all. 

The only two people I have in my life and I live for are my parents. I’ve always had fear and anxiety about losing them someday. I faced it all once fifteen years ago when mum had cancer. Back then I was an emotional wreck. 

Thankfully mum had a successful operation and, touch wood, is doing well although she has many health issues. But now dad has cancer and it is not one which can be cured. We can hope that he will be lucky enough to get a good remission period.. 

Strangely, when mum was diagnosed all those years ago, I literally cried all the time. This time, I have not. It has fallen to me to be the strong one, to do all the cooking, washing, driving.. Which actually I’m delighted to do. But my emotions are more shut away. Maybe I’ve hardened.. Maybe I’ve grown up. I don’t think either of those two things to be true. I’m not strong, I feel extremely fragile and I am not a grown up. 

Whenever the sad time comes that my parents are no longer around, I will have nobody. I do not see that I will carry on. 

Valentines day is on the horizon again. I’ve dreamt my whole life of feeling special this day. I am 37 and it has never happened. Never have I had a nice meal for valentines, flowers or anything. I always try to pretend I don’t care of forget it exists. But secretly it hurts every time. I know it’s just another commercial ploy to take money off people.. But still. 

I guess you can tell I’m feeling pretty sorry for myself today and depressed. My hormones are also screwing with me.. And I feel fat and horrid. Whilst I’ve been out a lot more and faced a lot recently because of dad’s illness.. I still don’t have any life of my own or independence. I don’t seem to be able to keep on top of anything, it always feels like I’m clawing through life trying to catch up. And I’m so tired. And lonely. Yes mostly lonely and afraid šŸ˜¢

Is this what you’re here for?

Sometimes you sit there and think ‘there must be a way to reach out ‘. The silence is not kind, you fill it with the things they put on television. But those things are there to numb our brains. You make coffee, it smells ok.. Tastes the same.

The agony aunt talks of loneliness. She says that some people just find it hard to make friends. She sounds warm and kind, you long to talk to someone like that. Two, maybe three kindred spirits will get through on that phone in. And you realise you are watching on plus one anyway. Everything is null and void. Including you. 

The heaviness in your stomach, your legs, your head, heart and soul.. Runs through your veins and pools inside drowning you. You haven’t showered yet. Do you smell? Do you care? You never get dressed unless you  have to go somewhere. 

Is this what you’re here for? The gift of life is precious, you know that now more than ever. Why are you wasting away? Why are you allowing this to happen? So c’mon.. What are you going to do to change things? Because you are the only one who can change things. 

If you could feel connected with the world somehow, it might help. You could go on Facebook. But those 435 ‘ friends ‘ are not friends but acquaintances. A couple you see once in a blue moon. You could post something trying to allude to how desolate you feel, but you will get a disappointing few emoticons and not much more. Each time you excitedly check your phone to see who cares your heart will sink a little more.

You could join a Facebook group. But you’ve tried that and no friendships have come of it. You could go on a dating site. But how can you explain your situation and who would understand? It takes a lot of time and messages to even have an inkling of their personality. And you don’t hand out trust easily. You’re not in a position to invest in any relationship anyway. 

You could write a blog. But who would be interested in what you have to say? You’re in a low place and people don’t like to surround themselves with negative crap. Again  you might get a few likes here and there.

But you are not just this sad person. There is so much more. With the right people you are childlike and silly, you are bright and someone who reflects on the things that matter and who wants to help make the world a better place for both people and animals. If only you could. You feel small and powerless. You long to live but you are scared. You long to have real friends who want to stick around in bad times. 

So what do you do? You feed the birds, squirrels and hedgehogs. That’s what you do. 

How fragile we areĀ 

It’s a funny thing life. We can be sailing along thinking we are ok, and then suddenly a thunderbolt comes from nowhere and knocks us down. 

That is how I felt when I was assaulted and suddenly had to lose my home, my job, my independence. 

That is how I feel today. Because today I took my dad to hospital to find out what is wrong with him. And today we found out that he has multiple myeloma(blood cancer) and several sites of plasmacytoma, the largest of which is at the base of his skull causing his hearing, eyesight and throat problems. He will start radiotherapy soon, and 9 months of chemotherapy.

We are all so upset and shocked. We always thought dad was the most healthy one. I cannot imagine life without him, I am in no position to carry on without him. I’m not an independent adult with any life of my own. Dad picked me up and kept me going through recent hard times. Mum also says her life would be over without him. 

We are hoping and praying that his treatment will go well with minimal side effects, sending him in to remission. Some people can live with this for years, I hope so much that he will be one of the lucky ones. I am feeling so scared and vulnerable right now, we all are. 

I guess I took him for granted before. I just knew he was there. But life has plenty of shocks and surprises up its sleeve.. Sometimes just to wake us up and shake us out of our complacency. It certainly is working on that front.