There must be more than this..

Life has an unlikely way of feeling both underwhelming and overwhelming at the same time. Small tasks and decisions are too much for me, and yet I yearn to be alive. To live.

I want to be alone, and yet the pain of loneliness kills me on a daily basis. Every song, film or television programme.. Every Facebook post, even just sitting in the garden hearing the neighbours together socialising, enjoying barbecues of a warm evening. I’m always on the outside looking on. That is how my entire life has felt.

I’m in this rut, this self created prison. My entire existence is governed by fear, longing and self loathing. I crave to be loved, but I cannot see myself as lovable. I can’t imagine trusting someone enough to allow them an important part of my life, the mere thought of that makes me feel my vulnerability and causes me to retreat.

Even friendship is alien to me. Sure I’ve had friends over the years, but they have only been people I see here and there rather than close friends who would notice if you are unhappy. The ones I ever did get close to abandoned me eventually, and the pain is not something I want to ever risk repeating.

The only two people I’ve ever known would always be there and who truly cared are my mum and dad. Now Dad has cancer and Mum is not in good health and waiting for a hernia operation. I’m scared. No, terrified.

I don’t remember the last warm physical contact I had. My entire being craves to be held in someone’s sheltering arms. I wish someone could break down the walls I have around me and show me that life can be good. Because there must be more than this.

Life and Neighbours

We’ve never really known our neighbours. Families and couples have come and gone over the years.. As a child the house on the left was owned by the local hospital, and mostly Indian doctors came and went. They were the most friendly.. in fact we stayed with the last family when they were in Warrington and also In Ireland. We are only in contact via facebook these days, as they now live in India.

The hospital put the house up for sale, and it sat empty for a long time. The garden became extremely overgrown and as children it was exciting because we said it was haunted and would creep in. It was eventually bought by a couple.. a mason and his partner. We have had an interesting relationship with them over the years.. I always found him scary and threatening.. you certainly would not want to be on the wrong side of him. I know he was not in the best of health, and last week he sadly had a heart attack and died suddenly. I feel very sad for his family.

Life is fragile indeed.

RIP Brian.

I had barely spoken to our neighbours on the other side, until the night when Dad was losing his mind and got himself shut out in the cold. The lady kindly rescued him from the mean man over the road(who apparently was shouting at Dad telling him he was crazy). She took him in and managed to phone us to come and get him. Then she popped in to bring us a card just before Christmas and we dropped some biscuits in to them and stayed for a coffee and chat.

If you saw the guy in the street, you would just think him a normal blokey bloke. I was surprised when he told us he suffers with depression. He said something that resonated with me a lot – “I struggle to see the point in it all.. go to work, come home.. do the same things over and over.”

It’s strange, but i’ve always felt that way. Like there must be more than this. I remember years ago arriving home from work and just sitting in my car at night, in silence watching lights flicker on, off, children bouncing past windows.. cars passing by. And I just sat there, numb, lost and wondering why. I felt a strange sense of emptiness.. there in the dark silence, nobody knowing I was there. On the outside looking in, alone and unhappy. And those were the days when I had a ‘life’ a job.. but I was utterly alone and lost even then. Always searching for my meaning and place in it all but never finding it.

Just recently I have braved going out a couple of times. Once on Friday with a friend I rarely see.. we had a nice lunch together. Then today I had lunch with my friend David.. we have been friends for almost 20 years. Again we don’t see each other often. Funnily enough, my late aunt and his mum plotted to set us up together at my cousin’s wedding. They failed, but we did strike up a lasting friendship. Next week I am meeting another lady friend for dinner.. I don’t really know her. We knew each other from our old drama group and she sent me some lovely messages on facebook when Dad was having his mental breakdown.

It will sound ridiculous, because to many of you these are normal easy things to do.. going out for lunch. But I worried all night last night. Simple things are ridiculously hard to do. Once I was there, it was not nearly as bad as my stupid mind imagined, and actually I gained a little confidence.

I’m desperately trying to get practised at going out a little before my friend arrives from the USA (the one I met through blogging). I want to be able to go out and meet her, I want to be able to spend time with her. I’m really looking forward to it but i’m also getting anxious. I hope all will work out just fine, most importantly I want my friend to really enjoy her time here. She is a very lovely person who has been having such a tough time lately..

Tomorrow we are going to meet my brother for a drink. I am feeling so exhausted, because i’m not used to going out and socialising.. it is very draining. But i’m really pushing myself, and my brother has been feeling hurt and disconnected from us, as he doesn’t live close or have transport. And Dad keeps refusing to see him as he doesn’t want to catch bugs.. he even told him he thinks he doesn’t keep clean ! ! Dad can be quite insensitive at times..

So anyway, it is late and I have seriously been rambling as usual. I don’t actually believe anyone reads this crap.

I have a secret tonight – I opened a bottle of red wine and am having a glass. I shouldn’t be but I have got this.

Love to you all xxx

Muddled thoughts on a Sunday morning

It’s often hard to put feelings into words. Mine are usually so muddled. Today, like many other days, there is a feeling of anxiety /dread in my gut and fear.

I can’t really pinpoint any one factor making me feel this way, one thing is of course worrying about dad. Another is the fear of the outside world. I’ve not gone out alone in three years, but in recent times whilst I have been occupied with trying to get the help for dad, I have surprised myself with being able to do a lot more than I believed I could. I have talked to many doctors about dad, and have wandered around hospital corridors with many strangers around. I suppose my focus has been entirely on dad’s well being and not on myself and my fears.. And as a result I now realise I could be capable of trying to do more. And I’m so hungry for it, to have a life of my own again. I don’t think I could ever be the old me again. But actually I don’t want to be the old me again.

I always worried about seeing old ghosts if I went out. And oddly enough, I have seen most of them over the last two months. The two I dread seeing the most I have not seen, but it occurred to me that they should be more worried about seeing me than the other way around! They did bad things and lied to the police, their consciences should be eating them up. So why am I the one who has spent the last three years afraid to go out? I’m not someone who wants to ever hate or wish harm on anyone, but I do hope for karma. My idea of karma is for someone to be brought to a level of understanding whereby they finally ‘get’ it and the pain they caused, so that they become remorseful in their hearts.

There’s so much going through my mind right now. I am desperate to live again. And I’m so desperate to not lose my dad, the other crap pales into insignificance really. Dad and mum are all that matters, Life is all that matters. Screw the rest.

Low mood..

Feeling really low and alone today. I think after recent events which I still haven’t written fully about..(actually I spent ages typing last night and my laptop crashed and lost everything. That pissed me off a lot). I’ve now got time to think again and take stock of it all. 

The only two people I have in my life and I live for are my parents. I’ve always had fear and anxiety about losing them someday. I faced it all once fifteen years ago when mum had cancer. Back then I was an emotional wreck. 

Thankfully mum had a successful operation and, touch wood, is doing well although she has many health issues. But now dad has cancer and it is not one which can be cured. We can hope that he will be lucky enough to get a good remission period.. 

Strangely, when mum was diagnosed all those years ago, I literally cried all the time. This time, I have not. It has fallen to me to be the strong one, to do all the cooking, washing, driving.. Which actually I’m delighted to do. But my emotions are more shut away. Maybe I’ve hardened.. Maybe I’ve grown up. I don’t think either of those two things to be true. I’m not strong, I feel extremely fragile and I am not a grown up. 

Whenever the sad time comes that my parents are no longer around, I will have nobody. I do not see that I will carry on. 

Valentines day is on the horizon again. I’ve dreamt my whole life of feeling special this day. I am 37 and it has never happened. Never have I had a nice meal for valentines, flowers or anything. I always try to pretend I don’t care of forget it exists. But secretly it hurts every time. I know it’s just another commercial ploy to take money off people.. But still. 

I guess you can tell I’m feeling pretty sorry for myself today and depressed. My hormones are also screwing with me.. And I feel fat and horrid. Whilst I’ve been out a lot more and faced a lot recently because of dad’s illness.. I still don’t have any life of my own or independence. I don’t seem to be able to keep on top of anything, it always feels like I’m clawing through life trying to catch up. And I’m so tired. And lonely. Yes mostly lonely and afraid 😢