I had a massive emotional breakdown the night before last. It was almost three in the morning, and I had just been lying in bed tossing and turning, with negative thoughts torturing my brain. I was feeling more and more afraid and anxious.. and the more I tried to calm my thoughts in the emptiness of night, the worse I seemed to feel. The loneliness kills me and feeling like I have completely failed at life, failed myself.. failed my parents and failed God. On top of everything, I was really sad that my dad had been bullied by our neighbour to get our tall conifer chopped down. It was a beautiful tree that had stood tall long before I came here 36 years ago and it attracted many birds. Stupid as it sounds, it made me sad.
Then, as I lay there I heard a massive thump, squeal and scrapping sound on my flat roof, I figured a fox had caught one of my squirrels who I love. I was so upset, and it felt like the final straw with how I was feeling. I couldn’t help myself crying and sobbing, and I became hysterical. Whenever I cry like that, for some reason it makes me start coughing and then retching.. so my dad who sleeps in the room next to mine heard and thought I was dying. He came in in a panic..
Anyway, what ensued was a long talk with dad and we ended up hugging. My life would be so much easier if I didn’t love him the way I do. If I didn’t feel so attached to both my parents.. because there really is nothing else for me to live for.
It’s a week until Mum’s cardiology appointment and two weeks until Dad’s oncology appointment. The nights are really drawing in and I feel so so tired and depressed most of the time. Tomorrow I have my first counselling session.. I hope it will go ok, i’m really nervous.
We have just been away for a couple of nights. The day we went happened to coincide with the day the long heatwave ended. Lol
Even so, we had a lovely break. The hotel was really nice and I had my own double room with a seaview balcony. Luxury.
I have missed having a double bed since I moved back with my parents. I have missed being independent.
I’ve been out a lot recently. I’ve even started driving to the gym on my own. Yesterday there was a power cut when I arrived. The manager walked through to the bar with me and told the staff to look after me and give me what I wanted on the house. I had a glass of wine and some yummy spiced nuts. The power came back quickly and I was able to do and hour and forty minutes in the gym.
I had a second date with that guy. We did kiss, and he’s lovely.. But something was just missing chemistry wise for me. So I sent him a message to tell him in as nice a way as I could, and we said we will be friends. I doubt we really will though.. Who knows. I feel very sad about it.. But at least I have got out and been on a date.
I really do wonder if there is someone out there for me. Or maybe I will find a way of accepting life on my own and being ok that way. It’s hard to imagine, because all I’ve ever imagined was companionship. I guess whatever will be will be.
Dad has been really enjoying his time off treatment. He had the head scan results which were good and showed the tumor in his head to have shrunk right down. But we have an appointment with his consultant on the 28th and will find out how his blood count is and if/when he has to go back on the dreaded chemo.
It’s all just a case of taking each day at a time and trying to appreciate what we have.
I hope those of you reading this are doing well.
Love and peace