We have just been…

We have just been away for a couple of nights. The day we went happened to coincide with the day the long heatwave ended. Lol

Even so, we had a lovely break. The hotel was really nice and I had my own double room with a seaview balcony. Luxury.

I have missed having a double bed since I moved back with my parents. I have missed being independent.

I’ve been out a lot recently. I’ve even started driving to the gym on my own. Yesterday there was a power cut when I arrived. The manager walked through to the bar with me and told the staff to look after me and give me what I wanted on the house. I had a glass of wine and some yummy spiced nuts. The power came back quickly and I was able to do and hour and forty minutes in the gym.

I had a second date with that guy. We did kiss, and he’s lovely.. But something was just missing chemistry wise for me. So I sent him a message to tell him in as nice a way as I could, and we said we will be friends. I doubt we really will though.. Who knows. I feel very sad about it.. But at least I have got out and been on a date.

I really do wonder if there is someone out there for me. Or maybe I will find a way of accepting life on my own and being ok that way. It’s hard to imagine, because all I’ve ever imagined was companionship. I guess whatever will be will be.

Dad has been really enjoying his time off treatment. He had the head scan results which were good and showed the tumor in his head to have shrunk right down. But we have an appointment with his consultant on the 28th and will find out how his blood count is and if/when he has to go back on the dreaded chemo.

It’s all just a case of taking each day at a time and trying to appreciate what we have.

I hope those of you reading this are doing well.

Love and peace

The long British summer and how much it means to us..

This year is honestly the first good summer in the UK I have ever known. It has been hot sunshine for the last five or six weeks, with it set to continue.

I am a sunshine gal, always have been. It just makes me feel better. And it seems apt that it is also the first year in 20 that my parents have been unable to go abroad for their holiday. They always go to Greece.

It also just so happens that, whilst in not so good circumstances (dad’s first treatment plan has been abandoned as failed) they have given him a few months off treatment to enjoy life. He is loving it.. Being able to eat again and not having nausea a few days every week. And not having to go to that dreaded hospital. We are literally living for the moment and trying not to think of the future.

We have had several day trips to the seaside, have swam lots in the sea and are going away this week for two nights and the week after for three nights, during which we are also going to see one of our favourite singers.

I don’t ever want this summer to end. If only I could capture it and keep it.

Sending out love and peace..

Here’s a couple of pictures of the sunset I took one day on the way home from the beach..

Today in various hospital departments

Today began with a hospital visit dropping back my sleep apparatus. Then home, at some point in the afternoon I could not stay awake any longer and had a nap. I planned to do a workout early evening, and was just putting my trainers on when Dad asked me to take his temperature. He’s had a virus, I took it and it was high. So workout cancelled.

This evening and another hospital visit with dad. Usual checks before they decided he was fine to go home. Exhausted.

Night peeps x

Negative thoughts and me

I go to bed every night thinking I’ve wasted another precious day. I wake up every morning thinking not another fucking day. That’s my routine. I wake up feeling crap, my eyes hurt, my head hurts and I never want to leave my bed. The things I used to enjoy no longer grab me. Nothing does. I don’t know if there’s any fight left in me. The tasks I would have to undertake to ever live a normal life seem insurmountable to me. Overwhelming. To achieve any of them, I would surely need the will to live. But I seem to have mislaid that shit.

I feel sad a lot. I hate myself a lot. And as always that loneliness doesn’t let up. Yet recently I’ve been avoiding any human contact.. I see I’m not helping myself.. But everything just feels so pointless. I haven’t left the house in ages.

On the most part, Dad is doing well. I’ve been avoiding thinking about his illness as much as I can. I’ve been avoiding everything as much as I can.

I hate that I keep hearing Dad on the phone telling people it is terminal. I don’t want to go there, it’s more than I can bear. When the dreadful time comes.. Unless some miracle happens in the near future.. I think I will have to check out too. God knows.

It might be OK if perhaps one thing had worked out in my pathetic life. Career? Friends who truly care? And oh love, the pièce de résistance. The thing I craved my entire life. Love. Not to mention children, who to me could only be a by-product of aforementioned love.

I believe I had a lot of love to give. I believe I might have been a good mother. I believe my life had so much promise once, all of which I wasted.

I long to wake up one day with a spring in my step and a renewed sense of hope. A new zest for living.

One can but dream..

More Rambling

I lie here listening to my dad vomiting in a bucket in the room next door. There is nothing I can do, he wants to be left alone.  Most likely we will end up back in hospital either tomorrow or over the weekend, because he is unable to drink water let alone eat anything.. and he ends up getting dehydrated. I am guessing this will be our routine every week for the next 6 months, although he has one week off between each 4 week cycle of chemo. 

 

I want to apologise that my writing is almost always melancholy. I didn’t know what this blog would be when I started it just over a year ago.. I hoped it would be a way of reaching out and sharing my poems etc, but recent times it has mostly been about our journey with Dad’s illness.

 

I have made one friend through this medium.. someone really special. We talk on the phone for hours and in a few weeks she will be visiting the uk, so we will get to meet. I’m really excited but also nervous. I will need to brave going out to meet her, but I really want to do it. I hope that she will like me in person.. I can be quite awkward. I feel I have made a friend for life and I am really lucky.

 

Did our online shopping order today. I made lamb stew yesterday, and Dad loved it so much(chemo tablets were this morning) I am going to make it again next week. I do all our shopping online, and because I do all the cooking I get free use of Dad’s credit card (oops) 😉 I may have added caramel chocolate on there.. and sweet chilli nuts.

 

Yesterday sucked a lot. I bloody hate valentines day. I am happy for those who are loved-up.. but God it is painful for those who long for love but are alone. And to be 37 having never.. not once.. had a meal or flowers or anything at all for that day. Few could understand the loneliness I have endured my entire life. I’ve lacked friendship and love. Yes I am lucky to have had my parents.. but actually a parents job is to raise you and set you free into the world to make your own life. And things have never been perfect even within the family, especially when I was a little girl. I have not made my own life and I am a disappointment as a daughter as well as everything else.

 

Had to end on a negative note, didn’t I ! Back to something good.. here’s looking forward to my friend’s visit.

 

Love and peace to you all, thank you for taking time to read my nonsense.

 

 

Sitting in an emergency ward..

Had to bring dad back to hospital last night as he couldn’t eat, drink or pass urine and he was retching to be sick the whole time. They kept him in overnight to rehydrate him and give him anti sickness intravenously.

Sitting here now listening to constant beeps. Witnessing the other patients.. I always notice the other people. Often I wonder if they have anyone to visit them and wish I could help them in some way. But I can’t.

I always hated hospitals. Sitting here it is impossible to pretend we are not all fragile transient beings. Once all is said and done, we each end up the same. Powerlessly in decline, trying to hold on to what is not ours to keep.

The NHS is amazing. The staff are amazing. If our government continues to destroy this they will have so much blood on their hands to be ashamed of. But thank God for the incredible hard work of those still trying against the odds to keep it going and offer care to those most vulnerable.

Ramblings of a sad, Lonely loser

Finally I managed to get my hair done today. Six months since it was last done. No more dark roots.. Back to being blonde. Pointless really as not many if any will see it. But I will not have to look at those dark roots anymore.

My hairdresser is lovely.. She knows a little of my situation and is always really kind and caring towards me. I like her very much. I think she likes me, but that could be just pretend for business purposes.

Dad drove me there and picked me up. He has only just been able to drive again this week. The last time he drove was back from Stanstead when we returned from Greece. I had no idea how bad his double vision was. I screamed once when the vehicle was getting closer and closer to the van we were overtaking on the motorway. He swerved away, but I figure we were closer to our end. Sometimes I think it would have been better if we had all gone together. But then I consider the poor other driver.. And no it would not be better to drag someone else down. Of course dad should not have driven. He admits that himself now, but mum and I had no idea.

He is ok driving now as his eyesight has returned to normal. The radiotherapy and chemo appear to have shrunk that tumor for the time being. So that is good.

But he has missed another two weeks of chemo.. We were back and forth from hospital with his high temperatures and nausea, dehydration and lack of appetite. He still can’t eat much and only really bland food.

I feel in a bad place mentally at the moment. Really depressed, really hopeless. I look at my life and seriously think what a mess it has been, some of my own creating,.. But largely I just don’t feel I could ever belong in this world. I am such a rare species and people just don’t get me.

I’m currently feeling myself going down dark paths again.. Starting to obsess about not eating. Hating myself lots, wanting to drink desperately but that is not possible because I know mum would smell it on my breath straight away. Engaging in dangerous chat on the Internet (my oddest addiction). Sometimes I just crave to be wanted. By men. Sometimes I long to be a woman. I’m frustrated.. With everything.

But for now I must go cook dinner for mum. Dad doesn’t need me for much now. He won’t eat my food and doesn’t need me to drive him. I’m back to being useless.. But of course it’s good that he is improving. I love him and want the best.

Here’s a couple of pictures of the lasagne I baked last night