Life has an unlikely way of feeling both underwhelming and overwhelming at the same time. Small tasks and decisions are too much for me, and yet I yearn to be alive. To live.
I want to be alone, and yet the pain of loneliness kills me on a daily basis. Every song, film or television programme.. Every Facebook post, even just sitting in the garden hearing the neighbours together socialising, enjoying barbecues of a warm evening. I’m always on the outside looking on. That is how my entire life has felt.
I’m in this rut, this self created prison. My entire existence is governed by fear, longing and self loathing. I crave to be loved, but I cannot see myself as lovable. I can’t imagine trusting someone enough to allow them an important part of my life, the mere thought of that makes me feel my vulnerability and causes me to retreat.
Even friendship is alien to me. Sure I’ve had friends over the years, but they have only been people I see here and there rather than close friends who would notice if you are unhappy. The ones I ever did get close to abandoned me eventually, and the pain is not something I want to ever risk repeating.
The only two people I’ve ever known would always be there and who truly cared are my mum and dad. Now Dad has cancer and Mum is not in good health and waiting for a hernia operation. I’m scared. No, terrified.
I don’t remember the last warm physical contact I had. My entire being craves to be held in someone’s sheltering arms. I wish someone could break down the walls I have around me and show me that life can be good. Because there must be more than this.
It has been an utter waste
As with food I cannot taste
All I have is nothingness
All I am.. No more, no less
A mass of cells
A cow with bells
Take her to market
Hope she sells
Lay down the carpet
Pop the cork
Feast on this banquet
With a fork
He has his wife
Home alone and shut the door
Lying heaped upon the floor
All I have is alcohol
All I crave is to be whole
A silly fool
Lies in a pool
Of tears and no-one
Hears her call
Open the window
Put on a good show
Cheers to health
She has no life
Finally I managed to get my hair done today. Six months since it was last done. No more dark roots.. Back to being blonde. Pointless really as not many if any will see it. But I will not have to look at those dark roots anymore.
My hairdresser is lovely.. She knows a little of my situation and is always really kind and caring towards me. I like her very much. I think she likes me, but that could be just pretend for business purposes.
Dad drove me there and picked me up. He has only just been able to drive again this week. The last time he drove was back from Stanstead when we returned from Greece. I had no idea how bad his double vision was. I screamed once when the vehicle was getting closer and closer to the van we were overtaking on the motorway. He swerved away, but I figure we were closer to our end. Sometimes I think it would have been better if we had all gone together. But then I consider the poor other driver.. And no it would not be better to drag someone else down. Of course dad should not have driven. He admits that himself now, but mum and I had no idea.
He is ok driving now as his eyesight has returned to normal. The radiotherapy and chemo appear to have shrunk that tumor for the time being. So that is good.
But he has missed another two weeks of chemo.. We were back and forth from hospital with his high temperatures and nausea, dehydration and lack of appetite. He still can’t eat much and only really bland food.
I feel in a bad place mentally at the moment. Really depressed, really hopeless. I look at my life and seriously think what a mess it has been, some of my own creating,.. But largely I just don’t feel I could ever belong in this world. I am such a rare species and people just don’t get me.
I’m currently feeling myself going down dark paths again.. Starting to obsess about not eating. Hating myself lots, wanting to drink desperately but that is not possible because I know mum would smell it on my breath straight away. Engaging in dangerous chat on the Internet (my oddest addiction). Sometimes I just crave to be wanted. By men. Sometimes I long to be a woman. I’m frustrated.. With everything.
But for now I must go cook dinner for mum. Dad doesn’t need me for much now. He won’t eat my food and doesn’t need me to drive him. I’m back to being useless.. But of course it’s good that he is improving. I love him and want the best.
Here’s a couple of pictures of the lasagne I baked last night
I sit and stare ahead of me
There is no bright future to see
All I want right now is poured
To take me from this girl abhorred
To hit this numbness deep inside
And give me somewhere else to hide
You don’t understand my self hatred
And tortured soul i drag around
I never existed long enough to be missed
Came from nowhere, back I go
It matters not, ‘I’ matter not
If I had a gun I would be shot
Straight into oblivion..gone like a puff of smoke
No reminders of this stupid joke
Or simple words that I once spoke
Oh, I wish. I really do. That I could be brave enough to..
Right about now three years ago you chose to hurt me. I know you thought of nothing but your own selfish bit of pleasure. I hope your conscience eats you up daily, I hope your life was affected. Mine certainly was. I wonder if you even consider that or if you’d care.
I can’t bring myself to use appropriate tags on this.
Feeling really low and alone today. I think after recent events which I still haven’t written fully about..(actually I spent ages typing last night and my laptop crashed and lost everything. That pissed me off a lot). I’ve now got time to think again and take stock of it all.
The only two people I have in my life and I live for are my parents. I’ve always had fear and anxiety about losing them someday. I faced it all once fifteen years ago when mum had cancer. Back then I was an emotional wreck.
Thankfully mum had a successful operation and, touch wood, is doing well although she has many health issues. But now dad has cancer and it is not one which can be cured. We can hope that he will be lucky enough to get a good remission period..
Strangely, when mum was diagnosed all those years ago, I literally cried all the time. This time, I have not. It has fallen to me to be the strong one, to do all the cooking, washing, driving.. Which actually I’m delighted to do. But my emotions are more shut away. Maybe I’ve hardened.. Maybe I’ve grown up. I don’t think either of those two things to be true. I’m not strong, I feel extremely fragile and I am not a grown up.
Whenever the sad time comes that my parents are no longer around, I will have nobody. I do not see that I will carry on.
Valentines day is on the horizon again. I’ve dreamt my whole life of feeling special this day. I am 37 and it has never happened. Never have I had a nice meal for valentines, flowers or anything. I always try to pretend I don’t care of forget it exists. But secretly it hurts every time. I know it’s just another commercial ploy to take money off people.. But still.
I guess you can tell I’m feeling pretty sorry for myself today and depressed. My hormones are also screwing with me.. And I feel fat and horrid. Whilst I’ve been out a lot more and faced a lot recently because of dad’s illness.. I still don’t have any life of my own or independence. I don’t seem to be able to keep on top of anything, it always feels like I’m clawing through life trying to catch up. And I’m so tired. And lonely. Yes mostly lonely and afraid 😢
This is how I feel today..
I’m so so tired and have a thumping head.. I hope I’m not coming down with something but I certainly feel like I may be. We can’t afford for dad to catch anything.. Because his immune system will be low. He won’t be able to fight and it could result in him being admitted to hospital. So i’m hoping it’s just a headache. It seems like life is one massive headache at the moment.
I don’t think I’m up to any dinner tonight. Fell asleep briefly on the sofa, which I never do. I’m desperate for a full night of quality sleep, but I struggle going to sleep and often wake up gasping in the night. At least tomorrow we don’t have an early start.