Mess (poem)

Look here i stand
Dark clothes in dark shadows
And in this peace
My head is thumping loudly
Saying to me
Over and again..

Girl, you’re a mess
Nobody ever liked you
They could not care less
Cos you’re a mess
Just look at you
You look so fat and ugly
Wearing that dress
You dirty mess

There must be more than this..

Life has an unlikely way of feeling both underwhelming and overwhelming at the same time. Small tasks and decisions are too much for me, and yet I yearn to be alive. To live.

I want to be alone, and yet the pain of loneliness kills me on a daily basis. Every song, film or television programme.. Every Facebook post, even just sitting in the garden hearing the neighbours together socialising, enjoying barbecues of a warm evening. I’m always on the outside looking on. That is how my entire life has felt.

I’m in this rut, this self created prison. My entire existence is governed by fear, longing and self loathing. I crave to be loved, but I cannot see myself as lovable. I can’t imagine trusting someone enough to allow them an important part of my life, the mere thought of that makes me feel my vulnerability and causes me to retreat.

Even friendship is alien to me. Sure I’ve had friends over the years, but they have only been people I see here and there rather than close friends who would notice if you are unhappy. The ones I ever did get close to abandoned me eventually, and the pain is not something I want to ever risk repeating.

The only two people I’ve ever known would always be there and who truly cared are my mum and dad. Now Dad has cancer and Mum is not in good health and waiting for a hernia operation. I’m scared. No, terrified.

I don’t remember the last warm physical contact I had. My entire being craves to be held in someone’s sheltering arms. I wish someone could break down the walls I have around me and show me that life can be good. Because there must be more than this.

Disconnect poem

Is there common ground
That we have found?
I’m yearning to belong
We’re breathing
We are hurting
But the pain you hide
Somehow I know inside

Not a day goes by
That I don’t die
Another part of me
I’m losing
I am stranded
Won’t you walk with me
And find out what might be

Life is simply there
No-one can share
The path you have to take
We crave more
Real connection
I’ve been searching years
An ocean made of tears

On this boat i drift
I cannot shift
My body will not move
I’m lifeless
I am foolish
That I chose the knife
Instead of living life

Read the message in
The rusty tin
I’m begging you to see
You are beauty
And alive
In ways most never are
I’ll love you from afar

Forevermore

Negative thoughts and me

I go to bed every night thinking I’ve wasted another precious day. I wake up every morning thinking not another fucking day. That’s my routine. I wake up feeling crap, my eyes hurt, my head hurts and I never want to leave my bed. The things I used to enjoy no longer grab me. Nothing does. I don’t know if there’s any fight left in me. The tasks I would have to undertake to ever live a normal life seem insurmountable to me. Overwhelming. To achieve any of them, I would surely need the will to live. But I seem to have mislaid that shit.

I feel sad a lot. I hate myself a lot. And as always that loneliness doesn’t let up. Yet recently I’ve been avoiding any human contact.. I see I’m not helping myself.. But everything just feels so pointless. I haven’t left the house in ages.

On the most part, Dad is doing well. I’ve been avoiding thinking about his illness as much as I can. I’ve been avoiding everything as much as I can.

I hate that I keep hearing Dad on the phone telling people it is terminal. I don’t want to go there, it’s more than I can bear. When the dreadful time comes.. Unless some miracle happens in the near future.. I think I will have to check out too. God knows.

It might be OK if perhaps one thing had worked out in my pathetic life. Career? Friends who truly care? And oh love, the pièce de résistance. The thing I craved my entire life. Love. Not to mention children, who to me could only be a by-product of aforementioned love.

I believe I had a lot of love to give. I believe I might have been a good mother. I believe my life had so much promise once, all of which I wasted.

I long to wake up one day with a spring in my step and a renewed sense of hope. A new zest for living.

One can but dream..

And Life.. (poem)

It has been an utter waste
As with food I cannot taste
All I have is nothingness
All I am.. No more, no less
A mass of cells
A cow with bells
Take her to market
Hope she sells
Lay down the carpet
Pop the cork
Feast on this banquet
With a fork
And knife
Look.. see
He has his wife

Home alone and shut the door
Lying heaped upon the floor
All I have is alcohol
All I crave is to be whole
A silly fool
Lies in a pool
Of tears and no-one
Hears her call
Open the window
Show yourself
Put on a good show
Cheers to health
And life
Look.. See
She has no life

Life and Neighbours

We’ve never really known our neighbours. Families and couples have come and gone over the years.. As a child the house on the left was owned by the local hospital, and mostly Indian doctors came and went. They were the most friendly.. in fact we stayed with the last family when they were in Warrington and also In Ireland. We are only in contact via facebook these days, as they now live in India.

The hospital put the house up for sale, and it sat empty for a long time. The garden became extremely overgrown and as children it was exciting because we said it was haunted and would creep in. It was eventually bought by a couple.. a mason and his partner. We have had an interesting relationship with them over the years.. I always found him scary and threatening.. you certainly would not want to be on the wrong side of him. I know he was not in the best of health, and last week he sadly had a heart attack and died suddenly. I feel very sad for his family.

Life is fragile indeed.

RIP Brian.

I had barely spoken to our neighbours on the other side, until the night when Dad was losing his mind and got himself shut out in the cold. The lady kindly rescued him from the mean man over the road(who apparently was shouting at Dad telling him he was crazy). She took him in and managed to phone us to come and get him. Then she popped in to bring us a card just before Christmas and we dropped some biscuits in to them and stayed for a coffee and chat.

If you saw the guy in the street, you would just think him a normal blokey bloke. I was surprised when he told us he suffers with depression. He said something that resonated with me a lot – “I struggle to see the point in it all.. go to work, come home.. do the same things over and over.”

It’s strange, but i’ve always felt that way. Like there must be more than this. I remember years ago arriving home from work and just sitting in my car at night, in silence watching lights flicker on, off, children bouncing past windows.. cars passing by. And I just sat there, numb, lost and wondering why. I felt a strange sense of emptiness.. there in the dark silence, nobody knowing I was there. On the outside looking in, alone and unhappy. And those were the days when I had a ‘life’ a job.. but I was utterly alone and lost even then. Always searching for my meaning and place in it all but never finding it.

Just recently I have braved going out a couple of times. Once on Friday with a friend I rarely see.. we had a nice lunch together. Then today I had lunch with my friend David.. we have been friends for almost 20 years. Again we don’t see each other often. Funnily enough, my late aunt and his mum plotted to set us up together at my cousin’s wedding. They failed, but we did strike up a lasting friendship. Next week I am meeting another lady friend for dinner.. I don’t really know her. We knew each other from our old drama group and she sent me some lovely messages on facebook when Dad was having his mental breakdown.

It will sound ridiculous, because to many of you these are normal easy things to do.. going out for lunch. But I worried all night last night. Simple things are ridiculously hard to do. Once I was there, it was not nearly as bad as my stupid mind imagined, and actually I gained a little confidence.

I’m desperately trying to get practised at going out a little before my friend arrives from the USA (the one I met through blogging). I want to be able to go out and meet her, I want to be able to spend time with her. I’m really looking forward to it but i’m also getting anxious. I hope all will work out just fine, most importantly I want my friend to really enjoy her time here. She is a very lovely person who has been having such a tough time lately..

Tomorrow we are going to meet my brother for a drink. I am feeling so exhausted, because i’m not used to going out and socialising.. it is very draining. But i’m really pushing myself, and my brother has been feeling hurt and disconnected from us, as he doesn’t live close or have transport. And Dad keeps refusing to see him as he doesn’t want to catch bugs.. he even told him he thinks he doesn’t keep clean ! ! Dad can be quite insensitive at times..

So anyway, it is late and I have seriously been rambling as usual. I don’t actually believe anyone reads this crap.

I have a secret tonight – I opened a bottle of red wine and am having a glass. I shouldn’t be but I have got this.

Love to you all xxx

Crashed

Bored, lonely, frustrated, scared, depressed, hopeless, vulnerable, angry..

I look in the mirror, I hate what I see. I hate who I am, I hate being me..

I crash down hard upon the sand

I bubble, froth and then disband

You cannot hold me in your arms

I am not real at all

I’m like a beam of light that flashed

Before it screeched its breaks and crashed

You cannot love a wreck like me

I am not lovable

Stand up upon the edge of time

And find a fragile dream of mine

You cannot make this one come true

I am not saveable