Black

Dad has been in hospital since Thursday.. He is now back on chemo and thalidomide.. But the abnormal protein from the cancer has caused problems with his kidneys.

I’ve been here for hours every day, and then when I get home I’m tired but need to feed mum and try to get washing and cleaning done. It seems very difficult to get answers at the hospital and the right hand never seems to know what the left hand is doing. Dad has been moved three times on this emergency ward. He was meant to be moving to the renal ward.. But no beds are available.

I can’t tell you how hard I am finding everything. He is not ever likely to be well again, as this cancer is so evil. I feel so sad, scared and alone.

In less than two weeks mum will be in here for her hernia operation.. I’m just trying to get through each day at the moment.

Had Enough of Everything

I don’t know how to express how I am feeling.. desolate, numb, angry with the world.

It wasn’t enough that Dad was diagnosed with incurable blood cancer a year ago, but now Mum’s health is deteriorating quite badly. Her hernia episodes have become more and more frequent causing her pain and vomiting. On Tuesday she was so bad all day that in the evening we called an ambulance and went to hospital. The lovely nurse gave mum some hope that they might treat her hernia at last (she has been waiting since February). They told her to come back at 9 in the morning when the surgeon would speak with her.

So, the following morning we hang around for over six hours, only for a tubby man with a big attitude to tell mum quite coldly that if they operate there is significant risk of death, especially because of her weight and also her heart vessels are narrowed (nobody ever fucking told us any of this before). After ten months of waiting and suffering during which time it was never suggested that she should lose weight, suddenly he drops this shitty bombshell. Then he just sent her home, feeling utterly devastated and lower in morale than I have ever seen her. She is now saying that she’s too scared to have the operation.. but she has no quality of life as she is.

I’m terrified I’m going to lose both of them. I have nobody else.. not even extended family. My brother is not someone I would turn to for support. We are just too different.

As for me, I finally got my chest x-ray done today. I’ve had this cough for about six weeks and haven’t felt able to exercise.

Every day I send email after email looking for a home for my homeless friend. But I get rejection after rejection because of his dog.. and today I even got accused of being a scammer by some bell-end on Airbnb. It’s freezing out there and there is no hope for someone in his situation..

Another friend is trying to come to terms with having lost most of his bowel in an op.. he has to be drip fed for twelve hours a day. And another friend is in hospital with chronic pancreatitis and now flu! Dad won’t come near me now in case I am carrying it!

So I quite frankly feel like giving up on everything.

Hohoho Merry Christmas

People and me.. Why do I bother?

I feel drained and spent right now. Like the world has sucked the life out of me. People take and take but never give back to me, and I’m not talking about money, although I have now spent over £235 on my homeless friend. And I find out that he spends a lot of it on weed. I understand that he finds life hard and needs a vice.. But I am not working and have spent so much time and energy trying to help him, I don’t mind getting necessities for him but to me weed is a piss take.

Almost two months ago I spent hours of hard labour clearing and cleaning another friends rancid rubbish from her flat.. And taking it to the tip. I turned up with pizza for her. She had since had the whole flat decorated, but do you think I’ve heard from her or had an invite to see the newly decorated flat? Of course fucking not. I don’t want much, just to feel of worth. That’s all.

What I really long to get back from people is the sense that they acknowledge me as a person who has her own needs, hangups, insecurities.. Someone who is allowed to be weak herself sometimes. Someone who needs a friend to be there for her rather than feeling its my job to be there for the other person. I’m not allowed to need to turn to alcohol to survive, but other people can do what the fuck they feel they need to survive. I’m just supposed to be there for them and then when they hurt me I’m supposed to forgive, even though they damn certainly wouldn’t forgive the same behaviour if it came from me.

I’m sick of people. They drop me like a sack of rubbish, like the friend I went to Malta with did. Like my friend off here did. Like everyone does eventually. So sick of everything, I feel burned out. I don’t belong in this selfish world, I’m too sensitive. I’m fucking exhausted with life. And this cough still won’t go. Fuck it.

P. S. Apologies for my language today, but it kind of expresses how I’m feeling.

Torturing my Brain

I had a massive emotional breakdown the night before last. It was almost three in the morning, and I had just been lying in bed tossing and turning, with negative thoughts torturing my brain. I was feeling more and more afraid and anxious.. and the more I tried to calm my thoughts in the emptiness of night, the worse I seemed to feel. The loneliness kills me and feeling like I have completely failed at life, failed myself.. failed my parents and failed God. On top of everything, I was really sad that my dad had been bullied by our neighbour to get our tall conifer chopped down. It was a beautiful tree that had stood tall long before I came here 36 years ago and it attracted many birds. Stupid as it sounds, it made me sad.

Then, as I lay there I heard a massive thump, squeal and scrapping sound on my flat roof, I figured a fox had caught one of my squirrels who I love. I was so upset, and it felt like the final straw with how I was feeling. I couldn’t help myself crying and sobbing, and I became hysterical. Whenever I cry like that, for some reason it makes me start coughing and then retching.. so my dad who sleeps in the room next to mine heard and thought I was dying. He came in in a panic..

Anyway, what ensued was a long talk with dad and we ended up hugging. My life would be so much easier if I didn’t love him the way I do. If I didn’t feel so attached to both my parents.. because there really is nothing else for me to live for.

It’s a week until Mum’s cardiology appointment and two weeks until Dad’s oncology appointment. The nights are really drawing in and I feel so so tired and depressed most of the time. Tomorrow I have my first counselling session.. I hope it will go ok, i’m really nervous.

Peace x

Going into therapy..

I finally took courage and phoned the counsellor to arrange a first appointment. Now I just need to make myself go through with it.. I’m very very anxious about it.

I’m sure she won’t have come across many people quite as complicated and odd as me. Previous attempts at any kind of therapy weren’t great, and I think I didn’t put the effort in that I should have done. I was not present or willing to trust, I refused to make any eye contact and didn’t build a relationship. I was always convinced the person would not like me.

Of course, it’s hard to trust someone when you know they are charging you to talk to them. It’s not like they care and want to be in your company. That said, I suppose their career choice is indicative of their heart and motives generally. And everyone needs to make a living.

I pray that I will benefit from this. I need to do something, because i can’t carry on as I am. Something has to change, and that something has to be me. The way I think.. The way i process and deal with everything.. The way I react. I’m sorry it has taken me this long to be brave enough. But really I’m not a brave person. Extremely foolish, fragile and child like, but not brave.

Scared..

Drowning

And so it will be October tomorrow.. the decline of light into darkness, green into mush, warm into cold. I don’t like it, I never have. I get depressed all year, but it feels harder and harder to face the winter as each year passes.

This time a year ago we didn’t know that Dad would be diagnosed with incurable cancer, nor did we know that Mum would have a heart condition. I often think back to times spent with my parents when we lived as if we had forever. I wish I could go back and truly appreciate what we had.. but that is never possible for us foolish humans to do. We all know it will never be that way again. There is a constant cloud hanging over us, teasing us, taunting us. Reminding us that we are transient beings.

I’ve felt terribly lost and alone my entire life.. as if i’ve just somehow stumbled to where I now find myself.. 38 in October.. and absolutely nothing to show for it. I could blame a lot of things and circumstances.. but ultimately I must accept that there is nobody to blame but me. I fucked it all up and now I am here. If I could turn back the clock, I would do so many things differently..

Referring to my last post, alcohol and me have had a complicated and unhealthy relationship throughout my life. This is something that literally started the first time I drank a little at the age of fourteen..My parents had allowed me a bit of sherry with the meal, and I had then taken it upon myself to find the bottle which was almost full and drink the rest of it. I was so ill, I had at least two days off school. Of course, we never told the school the real reason.

So, whilst I beat myself up for the number of occasions I have abused alcohol, I partly feel that a personality trait exists within me that was there from day one and I couldn’t help. Recent events scared me a lot, because I did things that are not me and that I would never do otherwise, and in doing so I put myself in grave danger.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not your usual type of alcoholic. I do not wake up and crave a drink, nor do I have to drink daily, weekly or even monthly. But when I do, and when I get that feeling of relaxation from my anxieties and escapism.. I want more of that feeling. I feel like I am invincible.

I’ve finally decided to go and talk to a counsellor, and I have found someone who I will contact this week. I don’t know if it will help, but I want to start working on and addressing the things that hold me back. I realise i’m utterly lost and I can’t do this alone anymore. If i’m finding life too hard now, the future looks even scarier. I need help.

I went out this afternoon with my parents for a meal, but we were unable to finish because Mum’s pain she gets due to her hernia meant that we had to get her to the ladies and then leave quickly. In fact, I can hear her vomiting downstairs as I write this. Dad is due back on chemo in a few weeks.. and then he will be vomiting all the time again. I don’t think I can face this winter.

I do so wish I wasn’t so alone. On the way home I looked out at the people enjoying their afternoon.. and 99% of people were as a couple walking hand in hand. I have never had that sort of companionship, and I doubt I ever will.

I just need a cuddle. I’m a cuddly person, but there is nobody.. not even a pet to do it with. I always felt that my mum never cuddled me as a child, but then I felt guilty for thinking that and that I must have got it wrong. Then recently my Dad said to me about Mum “she never held you or cuddled you” and suddenly I felt validated in how I felt. She’s such an enigma because she’s so sensitive and loving.. but I guess maybe because her mum wasn’t warm.. she just didn’t know how to be that way. Or maybe she just couldn’t bond with me back then. I know she loves me nonetheless.. and I love her beyond words, as goes for both my parents.

All I know is that I know fuck all and i’m lost and drowning. Please hug me..

Anyway, i’m jumping around with random thoughts as always. I shall sign off with love and best wishes..

me x

I’ve Been Spiralling..

I’ve been spiralling down into a really dark place recently. I cat and flat sat, and it was lovely to have some time with adorable feline creatures. But my life is normally devoid of any kind of freedom..

So I sat there in a lonely flat and I turned to drink. On one night I texted a guy I dated four years ago and have never been able to forget. I only said hi, but he rang me and asked if he could come over. He did come over and whilst I resisted at first, he got me to kiss and cuddle him and told me he had always liked me and couldn’t forget me. He made me feel like he wanted a relationship. For a brief moment I felt happy.

Then the next day he was back to being cold as if nothing had happened. I felt so hurt and used. He’s an asshole and I’m a fool.

On three occasions whilst I cat sat I ended up so drunk that I went out and was in a dangerous situation, and the next day I remembered very little. One morning I woke up in a graveyard. I had such a large bump to the back of my head, it resembled a golf ball.

I had lost my keys and cards, but thankfully I went to the police station and they had been handed in. But the worst thing is worrying about my lack of memory about what happened. I’ve been sick with worry and anxiety.

In the end, I got back in contact with the police and was completely honest with them about everything. I didn’t have a great opinion of them from previous dealings.. But they have all been so lovely this time.

I went and saw one of them on Tuesday, and I’m sure he had tears in his eyes about me. It felt like he truly cared. He said I seemed like a good person who is unhappy and he really hopes i can turn my life around. He is going to review any cctv of the area on this nights to see what happened to me and will be in touch.

The cats were well looked after. Fed, watered, cuddled, cleaned and allowed in and out during the day. But I did not extend the same care to myself.

At the weekend I went out to meet a guy who I’d been chatting with a while. I was very nervous, but I keep trying to force myself to go out of my comfort zone, and I feel like my chances of finding love before I lose my parents are limited. They want to see me happy, they want grandchildren. I feel desperate to give them that. I feel lost and afraid every day.

So I went out to meet this guy and I was stood up. He sent some crazy excuse, but he hasn’t been in touch since. That really upset me.

I hate men. But I keep trying to find a good one.

On Tuesday I went to the pub with a friend and his friend. It was a good evening.. And there was nobody in the pub but us, so I felt more comfortable. But again I drank too much.

I think my friend I met off here has fallen out with me again after just two weeks since she got back in touch and said sorry.

I’m really very depressed at the moment. I feel so unhappy. I keep crying, I can’t face the future. I can’t face the winter, dad going back on treatment..

Both my parents are also very depressed. We have a constant shadow hanging over us with Dad’s illness and mum’s heart problem and hernia.

I’ve told them I won’t carry on living once they leave me. There would be nobody to love me or care about me. I would end it.

I’m sorry for such a disjointed and negative post today. I’m rambling, I know. I’m sorry. I’m an idiot.