Weight, exercise and that thing called depression.

Exercising when you are depressed is unbelievably hard. But it is true that exercise releases endorphins and is therefore beneficial to anyone suffering depression.

As someone who has been largely housebound for the last three and a half years, but a previous super fit gym addict, my fitness was the final remnant of normality I strived to hold onto. But eventually failed.

It has been hard. So hard, and largely I have been fighting a losing battle. As often as I can fight the depression and the negative demons in my head, I drag myself into a lonely and certainly not air conditioned kitchen..put on some upbeat tunes and do the best I can. Often a long mental battle occurs before I get there, and more often the depression wins and I don’t get there at all.

It hurts to think that three and a half years ago I was super fit and for the first time ever I was OK with my figure. As shallow as that might sound, my entire life since about 9 years old has been obsessed with trying to change my figure. And that’s the headspace I find myself back in right now.

The other thing this loathsome depression has made me do is comfort eat. And gain weight. Because, quite frankly I could exercise every day, but if I’m eating more calories than I’m expending the resulting outcome will be this wobbly blob I currently despise.

I am one of countless people who struggle with their weight. I can’t stand when naturally thin people say things that are judgemental of the overweight. The relationship with food is so often much more than what on paper is so damn simple. It is an emotional addiction. It is plastering over something so much deeper.

Weight loss on paper is a mathematical equation. You merely need to create a calorie deficit by means of healthy eating or exercise, but ideally a mixture of both working together. It sounds so simple. A deficit of 3500 calories will lose you one pound of fat. But when your head and emotions are the obstacle.. It becomes less simple.

I do know what I have to do. I know how to do it and that I have done it before. But what i don’t know is how to stop my comfort eating and how to motivate myself when I feel so low. I’m going to give it my best shot.

I have reached a point of self loathing that could be my new motivation.. I got to the gym on Tuesday for the first time since dad’s diagnosis last October. It was hard, but thanks to the times I have managed to drag myself into the kitchen and workout, I still have a basic fitness level from which I can work. The first time is the hardest. That is done. I plan to go again tonight if I can work past this heavy low feeling. I’m really tired so will probably try and get a sleep first.

My current weight is 10 stone 7.5 (147.5lb). I’ve decided to tell you this so that I can take you on my new journey of exercise and diet until I get back to my ideal weight. Because I will do it. I will. PMA

Kitchen Activities

Before my life fell apart and I became reclusive I was working as a personal trainer and keeping myself extremely fit. 

Now, I don’t think many people would have the momentum and motivation to keep that fitness level when they don’t leave the house alone. My two biggest loves were running in the fresh air and doing classes at the gym. I loved the sociability of it, ironically now what I hide from. 

So, alas, my fitness has dropped over the past almost three years and I have gained some weight. But one thing I am proud of its that I have kept a reasonable level of fitness. My dad was taking me to the gym, but now he is ill that has stopped and I’ve not been for three months. But at home I do what I call My ‘kitchen workouts ‘ whereby I hijack my parents kitchen for 45 minutes and sweat my pants off. Not terribly hygienic but it’s the only adequate space here. I don’t get the same enjoyment I used to, I have to force my lifeless body into that kitchen. But once I’m in full swing it’s not so bad and afterwards I have a rare sense of achievement. 

The other thing I have thrown myself into since dad got ill is cooking and baking for my parents. I find it helps to be busy and doing something for them, and I’m quite enjoying coming and trying new recipes. Tonight I made seafood Paella and a butternut Squash Pie for tomorrow’s dinner. Dad has his first chemo session late tomorrow afternoon so we won’t get home from hospital until the evening and I doubt I’ll feel like cooking when I get home. 

I’m so scared to let them put that poison into him, but of course I know he has to have the treatment. I hope and pray that the side effects won’t be too awful for him. I hope it will all be worth it, I hope he will be ok.