Love and fear

I long for you every day, and yet you scare me beyond words. If I am to let you get to me, then I must become utterly vulnerable. I must entrust you with my delicate heart and watch you play with it foolishly. I won’t be able to take it back from you. I will hope that in return you will let me hold yours.. and I will promise to take good care of it. But I know that both of us are weak and fallible beings.

The walls I have built around me seem pretty sturdy, but whilst you may try to get in.. Inside I am desperate to get out. Someday maybe you will get hold of a big hammer and smash it down. Then you will find me cowering beneath the ruins of my own wall and you will have to uncover me. I wonder if you will ever think me worth that kind of effort. If you do, you will hold my heart.

There are only two who have held my heart, albeit in a different light. My parents have my heart and full trust, they are my world. But now I feel afraid that it will slip through their fingers before long. It will fall on the ground and smash, not because they no longer love me back, but because the world will have chewed them up and spat them back out. As much as they want to stay with me forever, they cannot.. And I know my heart will be broken forever. I’m scared beyond words.

Realising that even my parents will leave me does cause me to become ever more fearful of letting you close. But at the same time, knowing that they will someday leave me makes me wake up and smell the coffee. My parents long to see me happy, settled and living properly before they go. They long for grandchildren, and whilst that is a very unlikely outcome.. If there is to be any chance of them seeing these things, I have to step out of my comfort zone. I have to because you will probably never turn up on this doorstep and carry me off into the sunset. Those scenarios are cruelly shown to little girls who grow up believing in a fairytale.

I don’t believe in fairytale, but I still believe in love, as much as it terrifies me. And I want to have a chance of my parents seeing me happy before they die.

So.. that is why tomorrow I am stepping right out of my comfort zone to have my first date in three and a half years.

Wish me luck, nervous is not even the word..

There must be more than this..

Life has an unlikely way of feeling both underwhelming and overwhelming at the same time. Small tasks and decisions are too much for me, and yet I yearn to be alive. To live.

I want to be alone, and yet the pain of loneliness kills me on a daily basis. Every song, film or television programme.. Every Facebook post, even just sitting in the garden hearing the neighbours together socialising, enjoying barbecues of a warm evening. I’m always on the outside looking on. That is how my entire life has felt.

I’m in this rut, this self created prison. My entire existence is governed by fear, longing and self loathing. I crave to be loved, but I cannot see myself as lovable. I can’t imagine trusting someone enough to allow them an important part of my life, the mere thought of that makes me feel my vulnerability and causes me to retreat.

Even friendship is alien to me. Sure I’ve had friends over the years, but they have only been people I see here and there rather than close friends who would notice if you are unhappy. The ones I ever did get close to abandoned me eventually, and the pain is not something I want to ever risk repeating.

The only two people I’ve ever known would always be there and who truly cared are my mum and dad. Now Dad has cancer and Mum is not in good health and waiting for a hernia operation. I’m scared. No, terrified.

I don’t remember the last warm physical contact I had. My entire being craves to be held in someone’s sheltering arms. I wish someone could break down the walls I have around me and show me that life can be good. Because there must be more than this.

Muddled thoughts on a Sunday morning

It’s often hard to put feelings into words. Mine are usually so muddled. Today, like many other days, there is a feeling of anxiety /dread in my gut and fear.

I can’t really pinpoint any one factor making me feel this way, one thing is of course worrying about dad. Another is the fear of the outside world. I’ve not gone out alone in three years, but in recent times whilst I have been occupied with trying to get the help for dad, I have surprised myself with being able to do a lot more than I believed I could. I have talked to many doctors about dad, and have wandered around hospital corridors with many strangers around. I suppose my focus has been entirely on dad’s well being and not on myself and my fears.. And as a result I now realise I could be capable of trying to do more. And I’m so hungry for it, to have a life of my own again. I don’t think I could ever be the old me again. But actually I don’t want to be the old me again.

I always worried about seeing old ghosts if I went out. And oddly enough, I have seen most of them over the last two months. The two I dread seeing the most I have not seen, but it occurred to me that they should be more worried about seeing me than the other way around! They did bad things and lied to the police, their consciences should be eating them up. So why am I the one who has spent the last three years afraid to go out? I’m not someone who wants to ever hate or wish harm on anyone, but I do hope for karma. My idea of karma is for someone to be brought to a level of understanding whereby they finally ‘get’ it and the pain they caused, so that they become remorseful in their hearts.

There’s so much going through my mind right now. I am desperate to live again. And I’m so desperate to not lose my dad, the other crap pales into insignificance really. Dad and mum are all that matters, Life is all that matters. Screw the rest.

Fearful little Poem

I am trapped endlessly, caged by fear
I cannot be hurt in here
But, alas, nor can I be loved
The one thing
Yes the only thing I ever craved
Is out of reach
Strutting past where I can see
But never touch
I long so much
To be unafraid
But I have been hurt so many times
By those at school and work and play
So all my trust is gone today
And now I am trapped endlessly, caged by fear
I cannot be hurt in here
But, alas, nor can I be loved.