The beginning of 2019

I’m really really sad. Spent the night in tears, looking through old pictures of dad. My heart is breaking for real..

I knew I was dreading his hospital appointment yesterday. For good reason. He now has tumors in his ribs, spine and pelvis and his blood protein levels are high. He’s going back on chemo but without being able to take steroids his chances of remission are not good. So the consultant wants to try him on a different steroid. However, he’s going to ask the psychiatrist who looked after him last year (we didn’t like him) whether he will give the go ahead. If he says no then we’re basically fucked. We would fight that decision.

On top of everything, he’s ill in bed with a nasty cold and faringitis. I’m really worrying because his immune system is compromised with this disease as it affects his white blood cells. I don’t know how worried I should be or how to know if he is developing an infection. Plus I feel awfully guilty because he caught the cold from me.

I did celebrate new year’s eve quietly at home with mum and dad, but in my heart I didn’t want this year to ever start. I know it is going to be extremely tough and I don’t feel strong enough to go through it. I don’t know how to get from one day to the next and I’m shit scared.

My homeless friend 🙁

With regard my homeless friend who is out there with his gorgeous dog, Alarm bells have been ringing for a long time. But I chose to ignore my instinct and tried to believe him. I ignored how small his pupils were. I ignored how he was nodding out..he said he was tired from other meds. I let him dismiss the strangely looped piece of string I found in his pocket when I was washing all his clothes.. I let him tell me lie after lie.

Throughout November he had a Facebook fundraiser going to raise money for a deposit. I was hugely instrumental in getting him donations by sharing this with my friends and on local pages constantly, saying what a lovely guy he is. We raised £652.

The Facebook fundraiser page seemed to indicate that these funds would be instantly available to him, but he has been telling me ever since that they have messed up and haven’t given him the money. The same way he tells me his benefit money keeps getting messed up.

He promised me that he would no way touch that £652 (of which I donated £50 and my parents donated £100). I’ve been searching relentlessly for a place for him on the basis that the £652 for a deposit still exists.

So.. Yesterday he texted that he was trying to sort out some mess but couldn’t tell me what. My trust for him has been getting less and less, so yesterday I took it upon myself to message Facebook and ask why he had not received the money. I texted and told him I had done this.

Finally today he confessed that in the last week he has suddenly relapsed and used heroin and the money has all gone.

I’m devastated, angry, pissed off.. Whatever you want to call it. I feel like a mug. And I don’t for one minute believe he didn’t shoot up until this last week. Looking back, my instinct knew all along but refused to believe it.

Between my parents and I we are £400 worse off, but fuck that. Worst of all I have been lied to and taken for a mug. I have been influential in getting people I know and also complete strangers to part with their hard earned cash. To me, it is theft because they gave that money based on a lie and to be put towards a particular use.

I do of course understand that his addiction is an illness, and that the person is controlled by the drug. I’m very torn now, because I don’t want to abandon him or not still be a friend /moral support to him. But I can no longer search for a home because he doesn’t have a deposit. And I am not going to part with anymore money. We were even offering to be his guarantor, but absolutely no chance of that now.

I think he has been a terrible fool to do this. Most homeless people don’t get that kind of money raised nor do they have the support around that he has had. And yet he has abused it all.

Devastated

Had Enough of Everything

I don’t know how to express how I am feeling.. desolate, numb, angry with the world.

It wasn’t enough that Dad was diagnosed with incurable blood cancer a year ago, but now Mum’s health is deteriorating quite badly. Her hernia episodes have become more and more frequent causing her pain and vomiting. On Tuesday she was so bad all day that in the evening we called an ambulance and went to hospital. The lovely nurse gave mum some hope that they might treat her hernia at last (she has been waiting since February). They told her to come back at 9 in the morning when the surgeon would speak with her.

So, the following morning we hang around for over six hours, only for a tubby man with a big attitude to tell mum quite coldly that if they operate there is significant risk of death, especially because of her weight and also her heart vessels are narrowed (nobody ever fucking told us any of this before). After ten months of waiting and suffering during which time it was never suggested that she should lose weight, suddenly he drops this shitty bombshell. Then he just sent her home, feeling utterly devastated and lower in morale than I have ever seen her. She is now saying that she’s too scared to have the operation.. but she has no quality of life as she is.

I’m terrified I’m going to lose both of them. I have nobody else.. not even extended family. My brother is not someone I would turn to for support. We are just too different.

As for me, I finally got my chest x-ray done today. I’ve had this cough for about six weeks and haven’t felt able to exercise.

Every day I send email after email looking for a home for my homeless friend. But I get rejection after rejection because of his dog.. and today I even got accused of being a scammer by some bell-end on Airbnb. It’s freezing out there and there is no hope for someone in his situation..

Another friend is trying to come to terms with having lost most of his bowel in an op.. he has to be drip fed for twelve hours a day. And another friend is in hospital with chronic pancreatitis and now flu! Dad won’t come near me now in case I am carrying it!

So I quite frankly feel like giving up on everything.

Hohoho Merry Christmas

People and me.. Why do I bother?

I feel drained and spent right now. Like the world has sucked the life out of me. People take and take but never give back to me, and I’m not talking about money, although I have now spent over £235 on my homeless friend. And I find out that he spends a lot of it on weed. I understand that he finds life hard and needs a vice.. But I am not working and have spent so much time and energy trying to help him, I don’t mind getting necessities for him but to me weed is a piss take.

Almost two months ago I spent hours of hard labour clearing and cleaning another friends rancid rubbish from her flat.. And taking it to the tip. I turned up with pizza for her. She had since had the whole flat decorated, but do you think I’ve heard from her or had an invite to see the newly decorated flat? Of course fucking not. I don’t want much, just to feel of worth. That’s all.

What I really long to get back from people is the sense that they acknowledge me as a person who has her own needs, hangups, insecurities.. Someone who is allowed to be weak herself sometimes. Someone who needs a friend to be there for her rather than feeling its my job to be there for the other person. I’m not allowed to need to turn to alcohol to survive, but other people can do what the fuck they feel they need to survive. I’m just supposed to be there for them and then when they hurt me I’m supposed to forgive, even though they damn certainly wouldn’t forgive the same behaviour if it came from me.

I’m sick of people. They drop me like a sack of rubbish, like the friend I went to Malta with did. Like my friend off here did. Like everyone does eventually. So sick of everything, I feel burned out. I don’t belong in this selfish world, I’m too sensitive. I’m fucking exhausted with life. And this cough still won’t go. Fuck it.

P. S. Apologies for my language today, but it kind of expresses how I’m feeling.

Being an Infp empath in this heartless world..

I can’t change the essence of who I am. I’m a caring, kind and forgiving person. I look for the best in people, I want to believe the best of people. I will go out of my way to help someone. I value these qualities about myself, and I do not want to change them. I just want to get them under control because sometimes they are to the detriment of my own well being.

What I have come to understand in recent times, is how much other people see my kindness as weakness to abuse. Time and time again this proves to be true.

One thing I want and need to work on is the ability to recognise when people are abusing my good nature, and the strength to put myself first and walk away.

The problem is that, even when I know a person is not treating me right, I still feel very bad for them if they get upset when I try and walk away. This is something I must accept about myself, but my brain must learn to overrule my heart.

I do tend to reach a point where I draw the line, but it is usually after being treated like a fool for sometime and forgiving numerous times. I’m not quick to write people off.

But I have my own problems and inner demons that I deal with, and sometimes I could do with someone else being kind, caring and forgiving towards me..

I don’t like selfishness as a character trait.. But I am going to start being selfish and putting my needs first. I’m trying to survive in what to me feels like a hard, cruel and uncaring world. I need to do what I need to do.

I will never stop being kind, but I will stop being taken for a ride. That is all.

In just two months..

It has been an eventful two months..

From someone getting back in touch and me being delighted to hear from them.. To them promising they’d never just cut me off and hurt me again.. To them cutting me off and hurting me again two weeks later.. To me going to Malta with a friend I didn’t know well.. To discovering we weren’t suited as friends.. To an extremely awkward flight home avoiding each other during which I discovered a strength I didn’t know I had.. To meeting lots of new people.. To becoming a year older.. To my mum having regular attacks from her hernia, being in pain and vomiting.. To scaffolding, men and chaos all around as roofers bang and crash from early in the morning.. To helping a friend clear her flat of rancid rubbish.. To starting counselling.. To discovering my brothers best friend from school and his beautiful dog had become homeless.. To the last two weeks trekking to and from a graveyard where he had a tent hidden.. Supporting him as much as I could, mostly letting him know he is not alone, bringing him home for showers and food.. To me now being ill with a chest infection.

The picture is the homeless doggy.. Gorgeous

Torturing my Brain

I had a massive emotional breakdown the night before last. It was almost three in the morning, and I had just been lying in bed tossing and turning, with negative thoughts torturing my brain. I was feeling more and more afraid and anxious.. and the more I tried to calm my thoughts in the emptiness of night, the worse I seemed to feel. The loneliness kills me and feeling like I have completely failed at life, failed myself.. failed my parents and failed God. On top of everything, I was really sad that my dad had been bullied by our neighbour to get our tall conifer chopped down. It was a beautiful tree that had stood tall long before I came here 36 years ago and it attracted many birds. Stupid as it sounds, it made me sad.

Then, as I lay there I heard a massive thump, squeal and scrapping sound on my flat roof, I figured a fox had caught one of my squirrels who I love. I was so upset, and it felt like the final straw with how I was feeling. I couldn’t help myself crying and sobbing, and I became hysterical. Whenever I cry like that, for some reason it makes me start coughing and then retching.. so my dad who sleeps in the room next to mine heard and thought I was dying. He came in in a panic..

Anyway, what ensued was a long talk with dad and we ended up hugging. My life would be so much easier if I didn’t love him the way I do. If I didn’t feel so attached to both my parents.. because there really is nothing else for me to live for.

It’s a week until Mum’s cardiology appointment and two weeks until Dad’s oncology appointment. The nights are really drawing in and I feel so so tired and depressed most of the time. Tomorrow I have my first counselling session.. I hope it will go ok, i’m really nervous.

Peace x