A good week..

This has been a really good week. I collected two female hedgehogs from a rescue centre on Tuesday. I will keep them for a week before allowing them to come and go as they please.. And then they may go off and find homes elsewhere.

On Tuesday I also finally dragged myself to the doctors, equipped with a list of ailments that need investigation. I’ve had lots of bloods taken to be tested and am going to have an ultrasound scan.. And also I might see a sleep specialist. The doctor was really lovely.. So I think I will see her from now on.

Dad seems to be doing well.. Although he has lost a lot of weight and has been sick two days a week immediately following his chemo. He’s taken a different anti sickness this week, and has been much better. His consultant thinks he is doing well anyway, so that is brilliant.

On Wednesday my friend arrived. I met her from on here originally, but never expected we would meet. We have spent a really lovely few days together so far.. We have had meals out and seen a few different places locally. I’m so pleased she came to see me.

It is so unusual that I feel so comfortable with anyone outside of my immediate family. But with this friend I feel so at ease. Tomorrow she is hopefully coming to meet my parents and enjoy a takeaway here. Sunday she leaves, but I don’t really want to think about that.

I am sorry my posts have been few and far between recently. I shall try to do better..

I’m a mess guys

I came in here tonight to talk to my friend. I put the radio on, they are playing songs which make me emotional. My friend didn’t answer. I’m worried, very worried that she is ok.

I sit drinking limoncello. Tears stream down my cheeks as songs remind me of my long lost best friend James, and days that have come and gone so fast. Songs from my childhood and wedding type songs.. The songs I dream of dancing to my happiest night ever with the love of my life. I dream. I fucking never stop dreaming.

My friend still doesn’t answer. I guess she’s asleep.

Sniff. Slurp

I’m a mess guys. An emotional mess.

Goodnight

More Rambling

I lie here listening to my dad vomiting in a bucket in the room next door. There is nothing I can do, he wants to be left alone.  Most likely we will end up back in hospital either tomorrow or over the weekend, because he is unable to drink water let alone eat anything.. and he ends up getting dehydrated. I am guessing this will be our routine every week for the next 6 months, although he has one week off between each 4 week cycle of chemo. 

 

I want to apologise that my writing is almost always melancholy. I didn’t know what this blog would be when I started it just over a year ago.. I hoped it would be a way of reaching out and sharing my poems etc, but recent times it has mostly been about our journey with Dad’s illness.

 

I have made one friend through this medium.. someone really special. We talk on the phone for hours and in a few weeks she will be visiting the uk, so we will get to meet. I’m really excited but also nervous. I will need to brave going out to meet her, but I really want to do it. I hope that she will like me in person.. I can be quite awkward. I feel I have made a friend for life and I am really lucky.

 

Did our online shopping order today. I made lamb stew yesterday, and Dad loved it so much(chemo tablets were this morning) I am going to make it again next week. I do all our shopping online, and because I do all the cooking I get free use of Dad’s credit card (oops) 😉 I may have added caramel chocolate on there.. and sweet chilli nuts.

 

Yesterday sucked a lot. I bloody hate valentines day. I am happy for those who are loved-up.. but God it is painful for those who long for love but are alone. And to be 37 having never.. not once.. had a meal or flowers or anything at all for that day. Few could understand the loneliness I have endured my entire life. I’ve lacked friendship and love. Yes I am lucky to have had my parents.. but actually a parents job is to raise you and set you free into the world to make your own life. And things have never been perfect even within the family, especially when I was a little girl. I have not made my own life and I am a disappointment as a daughter as well as everything else.

 

Had to end on a negative note, didn’t I ! Back to something good.. here’s looking forward to my friend’s visit.

 

Love and peace to you all, thank you for taking time to read my nonsense.

 

 

Social Disconnect and Loneliness

Oh how connected we are these days. Facebook, Twitter, instagram, email, text, Whatsapp..

But oh how disconnected we are these days.

Discon

nected

Like

Me.

We are a society that needs a loneliness minister.. Yes

I’m lonely. Many people are lonely. Loneliness does not discriminate on age, sex, religion.. It can choose anyone to visit.

And we are afraid. Afraid of strangers, of people who do not fit our idea of normal. We judge. We add to each others loneliness.

What is normal? I’ll show you mine, you show me yours.

We are busy, we are stressed. We don’t have enough money or time.. And most who do have enough money become obsessed with the things the money buys and forget to value people, love and kindness.

Do we even know our neighbours? Would we help them and trust that they would help us?

We forget how connected we really should be. That we came here the same way, we struggle the same emotions, fears, insecurities.. We eat, sleep..we all age eventually.

I swear if we all cared about each other, helped a stranger once in a while.. even just smiled at them, the world would become that much more beautiful and an easier to bear place. And if we noticed the people who are quiet, and showed them that they too matter a little in this aggressive go-getter society. Because those quiet people go through life the same, and they have gifts to offer the world. They just can’t force themselves onto others the way many can.

Social media could never be a substitute for real friendship or life. Nor could it be a true reflection of others lives. In actual fact what it does is distract us so that we forget to notice the person with tears in their eyes, or the old lady struggling to cross the road. And it numbs us so we forget to feel anymore.

I want to feel. I want to live. I want to smile and love indiscriminately. I want to make the world better in my tiny little way.

But i’m just a dreamer.. And I too am lonely.

For Someone Special (yes you)

I want to take you by the hand

And walk with you, talk with you

Just be with you

I can’t take the pain away

I can only share it as much as I can

I can listen, I can care

All I can do is be there

Though that will never be enough

What do others see?

Someone quiet, someone shy.

And they have no idea why.

But if they could see what I see..

And hear the way you talk to me.. They would know just why I love you

And they would surely love you too

Sometimes I tell you how, if only I could, I would make things better.

It’s true

I wish we were closer,

We could try to take baby steps into the big bad world together

And screw the past that hurt us

I guess what my rambling words add up to is that I’m so thankful you came into my life. You are a gift and you are beautiful. Thank you for being you.