The Journey

The train left without me, I’m not sure where it was headed exactly.. but it seemed to be where everyone else wanted to go, so I tried to get on board. It was just too full and I couldn’t fit in. I found myself battered, bruised and thrown back out.

So there I stood confused amongst the dust that rose in its wake, abandoned on the empty platform as the train sped away. I stared briefly before composing myself and dusting myself down. That was when I could see that my destiny was to walk a slow and lonely journey without fellow travellers.

It dawned on me that although my way would be different from theirs – less certain and often quite exhausting – it may be that I was the lucky one. I would have time to see things of beauty that would whizz past their windows. I would be able to spare time to stop and help other lone travellers, and perhaps hear their unique stories. I would have time to love in a different way. And as I set off on my journey, I realised that my baggage would only hinder me, so I threw it away and travelled empty handed.. stripped back down to how I once had arrived. FREE

Negative thoughts and me

I go to bed every night thinking I’ve wasted another precious day. I wake up every morning thinking not another fucking day. That’s my routine. I wake up feeling crap, my eyes hurt, my head hurts and I never want to leave my bed. The things I used to enjoy no longer grab me. Nothing does. I don’t know if there’s any fight left in me. The tasks I would have to undertake to ever live a normal life seem insurmountable to me. Overwhelming. To achieve any of them, I would surely need the will to live. But I seem to have mislaid that shit.

I feel sad a lot. I hate myself a lot. And as always that loneliness doesn’t let up. Yet recently I’ve been avoiding any human contact.. I see I’m not helping myself.. But everything just feels so pointless. I haven’t left the house in ages.

On the most part, Dad is doing well. I’ve been avoiding thinking about his illness as much as I can. I’ve been avoiding everything as much as I can.

I hate that I keep hearing Dad on the phone telling people it is terminal. I don’t want to go there, it’s more than I can bear. When the dreadful time comes.. Unless some miracle happens in the near future.. I think I will have to check out too. God knows.

It might be OK if perhaps one thing had worked out in my pathetic life. Career? Friends who truly care? And oh love, the pièce de résistance. The thing I craved my entire life. Love. Not to mention children, who to me could only be a by-product of aforementioned love.

I believe I had a lot of love to give. I believe I might have been a good mother. I believe my life had so much promise once, all of which I wasted.

I long to wake up one day with a spring in my step and a renewed sense of hope. A new zest for living.

One can but dream..

A good week..

This has been a really good week. I collected two female hedgehogs from a rescue centre on Tuesday. I will keep them for a week before allowing them to come and go as they please.. And then they may go off and find homes elsewhere.

On Tuesday I also finally dragged myself to the doctors, equipped with a list of ailments that need investigation. I’ve had lots of bloods taken to be tested and am going to have an ultrasound scan.. And also I might see a sleep specialist. The doctor was really lovely.. So I think I will see her from now on.

Dad seems to be doing well.. Although he has lost a lot of weight and has been sick two days a week immediately following his chemo. He’s taken a different anti sickness this week, and has been much better. His consultant thinks he is doing well anyway, so that is brilliant.

On Wednesday my friend arrived. I met her from on here originally, but never expected we would meet. We have spent a really lovely few days together so far.. We have had meals out and seen a few different places locally. I’m so pleased she came to see me.

It is so unusual that I feel so comfortable with anyone outside of my immediate family. But with this friend I feel so at ease. Tomorrow she is hopefully coming to meet my parents and enjoy a takeaway here. Sunday she leaves, but I don’t really want to think about that.

I am sorry my posts have been few and far between recently. I shall try to do better..

Life and Neighbours

We’ve never really known our neighbours. Families and couples have come and gone over the years.. As a child the house on the left was owned by the local hospital, and mostly Indian doctors came and went. They were the most friendly.. in fact we stayed with the last family when they were in Warrington and also In Ireland. We are only in contact via facebook these days, as they now live in India.

The hospital put the house up for sale, and it sat empty for a long time. The garden became extremely overgrown and as children it was exciting because we said it was haunted and would creep in. It was eventually bought by a couple.. a mason and his partner. We have had an interesting relationship with them over the years.. I always found him scary and threatening.. you certainly would not want to be on the wrong side of him. I know he was not in the best of health, and last week he sadly had a heart attack and died suddenly. I feel very sad for his family.

Life is fragile indeed.

RIP Brian.

I had barely spoken to our neighbours on the other side, until the night when Dad was losing his mind and got himself shut out in the cold. The lady kindly rescued him from the mean man over the road(who apparently was shouting at Dad telling him he was crazy). She took him in and managed to phone us to come and get him. Then she popped in to bring us a card just before Christmas and we dropped some biscuits in to them and stayed for a coffee and chat.

If you saw the guy in the street, you would just think him a normal blokey bloke. I was surprised when he told us he suffers with depression. He said something that resonated with me a lot – “I struggle to see the point in it all.. go to work, come home.. do the same things over and over.”

It’s strange, but i’ve always felt that way. Like there must be more than this. I remember years ago arriving home from work and just sitting in my car at night, in silence watching lights flicker on, off, children bouncing past windows.. cars passing by. And I just sat there, numb, lost and wondering why. I felt a strange sense of emptiness.. there in the dark silence, nobody knowing I was there. On the outside looking in, alone and unhappy. And those were the days when I had a ‘life’ a job.. but I was utterly alone and lost even then. Always searching for my meaning and place in it all but never finding it.

Just recently I have braved going out a couple of times. Once on Friday with a friend I rarely see.. we had a nice lunch together. Then today I had lunch with my friend David.. we have been friends for almost 20 years. Again we don’t see each other often. Funnily enough, my late aunt and his mum plotted to set us up together at my cousin’s wedding. They failed, but we did strike up a lasting friendship. Next week I am meeting another lady friend for dinner.. I don’t really know her. We knew each other from our old drama group and she sent me some lovely messages on facebook when Dad was having his mental breakdown.

It will sound ridiculous, because to many of you these are normal easy things to do.. going out for lunch. But I worried all night last night. Simple things are ridiculously hard to do. Once I was there, it was not nearly as bad as my stupid mind imagined, and actually I gained a little confidence.

I’m desperately trying to get practised at going out a little before my friend arrives from the USA (the one I met through blogging). I want to be able to go out and meet her, I want to be able to spend time with her. I’m really looking forward to it but i’m also getting anxious. I hope all will work out just fine, most importantly I want my friend to really enjoy her time here. She is a very lovely person who has been having such a tough time lately..

Tomorrow we are going to meet my brother for a drink. I am feeling so exhausted, because i’m not used to going out and socialising.. it is very draining. But i’m really pushing myself, and my brother has been feeling hurt and disconnected from us, as he doesn’t live close or have transport. And Dad keeps refusing to see him as he doesn’t want to catch bugs.. he even told him he thinks he doesn’t keep clean ! ! Dad can be quite insensitive at times..

So anyway, it is late and I have seriously been rambling as usual. I don’t actually believe anyone reads this crap.

I have a secret tonight – I opened a bottle of red wine and am having a glass. I shouldn’t be but I have got this.

Love to you all xxx

Social Disconnect and Loneliness

Oh how connected we are these days. Facebook, Twitter, instagram, email, text, Whatsapp..

But oh how disconnected we are these days.

Discon

nected

Like

Me.

We are a society that needs a loneliness minister.. Yes

I’m lonely. Many people are lonely. Loneliness does not discriminate on age, sex, religion.. It can choose anyone to visit.

And we are afraid. Afraid of strangers, of people who do not fit our idea of normal. We judge. We add to each others loneliness.

What is normal? I’ll show you mine, you show me yours.

We are busy, we are stressed. We don’t have enough money or time.. And most who do have enough money become obsessed with the things the money buys and forget to value people, love and kindness.

Do we even know our neighbours? Would we help them and trust that they would help us?

We forget how connected we really should be. That we came here the same way, we struggle the same emotions, fears, insecurities.. We eat, sleep..we all age eventually.

I swear if we all cared about each other, helped a stranger once in a while.. even just smiled at them, the world would become that much more beautiful and an easier to bear place. And if we noticed the people who are quiet, and showed them that they too matter a little in this aggressive go-getter society. Because those quiet people go through life the same, and they have gifts to offer the world. They just can’t force themselves onto others the way many can.

Social media could never be a substitute for real friendship or life. Nor could it be a true reflection of others lives. In actual fact what it does is distract us so that we forget to notice the person with tears in their eyes, or the old lady struggling to cross the road. And it numbs us so we forget to feel anymore.

I want to feel. I want to live. I want to smile and love indiscriminately. I want to make the world better in my tiny little way.

But i’m just a dreamer.. And I too am lonely.

Low mood..

Feeling really low and alone today. I think after recent events which I still haven’t written fully about..(actually I spent ages typing last night and my laptop crashed and lost everything. That pissed me off a lot). I’ve now got time to think again and take stock of it all. 

The only two people I have in my life and I live for are my parents. I’ve always had fear and anxiety about losing them someday. I faced it all once fifteen years ago when mum had cancer. Back then I was an emotional wreck. 

Thankfully mum had a successful operation and, touch wood, is doing well although she has many health issues. But now dad has cancer and it is not one which can be cured. We can hope that he will be lucky enough to get a good remission period.. 

Strangely, when mum was diagnosed all those years ago, I literally cried all the time. This time, I have not. It has fallen to me to be the strong one, to do all the cooking, washing, driving.. Which actually I’m delighted to do. But my emotions are more shut away. Maybe I’ve hardened.. Maybe I’ve grown up. I don’t think either of those two things to be true. I’m not strong, I feel extremely fragile and I am not a grown up. 

Whenever the sad time comes that my parents are no longer around, I will have nobody. I do not see that I will carry on. 

Valentines day is on the horizon again. I’ve dreamt my whole life of feeling special this day. I am 37 and it has never happened. Never have I had a nice meal for valentines, flowers or anything. I always try to pretend I don’t care of forget it exists. But secretly it hurts every time. I know it’s just another commercial ploy to take money off people.. But still. 

I guess you can tell I’m feeling pretty sorry for myself today and depressed. My hormones are also screwing with me.. And I feel fat and horrid. Whilst I’ve been out a lot more and faced a lot recently because of dad’s illness.. I still don’t have any life of my own or independence. I don’t seem to be able to keep on top of anything, it always feels like I’m clawing through life trying to catch up. And I’m so tired. And lonely. Yes mostly lonely and afraid 😢