Torturing my Brain

I had a massive emotional breakdown the night before last. It was almost three in the morning, and I had just been lying in bed tossing and turning, with negative thoughts torturing my brain. I was feeling more and more afraid and anxious.. and the more I tried to calm my thoughts in the emptiness of night, the worse I seemed to feel. The loneliness kills me and feeling like I have completely failed at life, failed myself.. failed my parents and failed God. On top of everything, I was really sad that my dad had been bullied by our neighbour to get our tall conifer chopped down. It was a beautiful tree that had stood tall long before I came here 36 years ago and it attracted many birds. Stupid as it sounds, it made me sad.

Then, as I lay there I heard a massive thump, squeal and scrapping sound on my flat roof, I figured a fox had caught one of my squirrels who I love. I was so upset, and it felt like the final straw with how I was feeling. I couldn’t help myself crying and sobbing, and I became hysterical. Whenever I cry like that, for some reason it makes me start coughing and then retching.. so my dad who sleeps in the room next to mine heard and thought I was dying. He came in in a panic..

Anyway, what ensued was a long talk with dad and we ended up hugging. My life would be so much easier if I didn’t love him the way I do. If I didn’t feel so attached to both my parents.. because there really is nothing else for me to live for.

It’s a week until Mum’s cardiology appointment and two weeks until Dad’s oncology appointment. The nights are really drawing in and I feel so so tired and depressed most of the time. Tomorrow I have my first counselling session.. I hope it will go ok, i’m really nervous.

Peace x

Going into therapy..

I finally took courage and phoned the counsellor to arrange a first appointment. Now I just need to make myself go through with it.. I’m very very anxious about it.

I’m sure she won’t have come across many people quite as complicated and odd as me. Previous attempts at any kind of therapy weren’t great, and I think I didn’t put the effort in that I should have done. I was not present or willing to trust, I refused to make any eye contact and didn’t build a relationship. I was always convinced the person would not like me.

Of course, it’s hard to trust someone when you know they are charging you to talk to them. It’s not like they care and want to be in your company. That said, I suppose their career choice is indicative of their heart and motives generally. And everyone needs to make a living.

I pray that I will benefit from this. I need to do something, because i can’t carry on as I am. Something has to change, and that something has to be me. The way I think.. The way i process and deal with everything.. The way I react. I’m sorry it has taken me this long to be brave enough. But really I’m not a brave person. Extremely foolish, fragile and child like, but not brave.

Scared..

Drowning

And so it will be October tomorrow.. the decline of light into darkness, green into mush, warm into cold. I don’t like it, I never have. I get depressed all year, but it feels harder and harder to face the winter as each year passes.

This time a year ago we didn’t know that Dad would be diagnosed with incurable cancer, nor did we know that Mum would have a heart condition. I often think back to times spent with my parents when we lived as if we had forever. I wish I could go back and truly appreciate what we had.. but that is never possible for us foolish humans to do. We all know it will never be that way again. There is a constant cloud hanging over us, teasing us, taunting us. Reminding us that we are transient beings.

I’ve felt terribly lost and alone my entire life.. as if i’ve just somehow stumbled to where I now find myself.. 38 in October.. and absolutely nothing to show for it. I could blame a lot of things and circumstances.. but ultimately I must accept that there is nobody to blame but me. I fucked it all up and now I am here. If I could turn back the clock, I would do so many things differently..

Referring to my last post, alcohol and me have had a complicated and unhealthy relationship throughout my life. This is something that literally started the first time I drank a little at the age of fourteen..My parents had allowed me a bit of sherry with the meal, and I had then taken it upon myself to find the bottle which was almost full and drink the rest of it. I was so ill, I had at least two days off school. Of course, we never told the school the real reason.

So, whilst I beat myself up for the number of occasions I have abused alcohol, I partly feel that a personality trait exists within me that was there from day one and I couldn’t help. Recent events scared me a lot, because I did things that are not me and that I would never do otherwise, and in doing so I put myself in grave danger.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not your usual type of alcoholic. I do not wake up and crave a drink, nor do I have to drink daily, weekly or even monthly. But when I do, and when I get that feeling of relaxation from my anxieties and escapism.. I want more of that feeling. I feel like I am invincible.

I’ve finally decided to go and talk to a counsellor, and I have found someone who I will contact this week. I don’t know if it will help, but I want to start working on and addressing the things that hold me back. I realise i’m utterly lost and I can’t do this alone anymore. If i’m finding life too hard now, the future looks even scarier. I need help.

I went out this afternoon with my parents for a meal, but we were unable to finish because Mum’s pain she gets due to her hernia meant that we had to get her to the ladies and then leave quickly. In fact, I can hear her vomiting downstairs as I write this. Dad is due back on chemo in a few weeks.. and then he will be vomiting all the time again. I don’t think I can face this winter.

I do so wish I wasn’t so alone. On the way home I looked out at the people enjoying their afternoon.. and 99% of people were as a couple walking hand in hand. I have never had that sort of companionship, and I doubt I ever will.

I just need a cuddle. I’m a cuddly person, but there is nobody.. not even a pet to do it with. I always felt that my mum never cuddled me as a child, but then I felt guilty for thinking that and that I must have got it wrong. Then recently my Dad said to me about Mum “she never held you or cuddled you” and suddenly I felt validated in how I felt. She’s such an enigma because she’s so sensitive and loving.. but I guess maybe because her mum wasn’t warm.. she just didn’t know how to be that way. Or maybe she just couldn’t bond with me back then. I know she loves me nonetheless.. and I love her beyond words, as goes for both my parents.

All I know is that I know fuck all and i’m lost and drowning. Please hug me..

Anyway, i’m jumping around with random thoughts as always. I shall sign off with love and best wishes..

me x

We have just been…

We have just been away for a couple of nights. The day we went happened to coincide with the day the long heatwave ended. Lol

Even so, we had a lovely break. The hotel was really nice and I had my own double room with a seaview balcony. Luxury.

I have missed having a double bed since I moved back with my parents. I have missed being independent.

I’ve been out a lot recently. I’ve even started driving to the gym on my own. Yesterday there was a power cut when I arrived. The manager walked through to the bar with me and told the staff to look after me and give me what I wanted on the house. I had a glass of wine and some yummy spiced nuts. The power came back quickly and I was able to do and hour and forty minutes in the gym.

I had a second date with that guy. We did kiss, and he’s lovely.. But something was just missing chemistry wise for me. So I sent him a message to tell him in as nice a way as I could, and we said we will be friends. I doubt we really will though.. Who knows. I feel very sad about it.. But at least I have got out and been on a date.

I really do wonder if there is someone out there for me. Or maybe I will find a way of accepting life on my own and being ok that way. It’s hard to imagine, because all I’ve ever imagined was companionship. I guess whatever will be will be.

Dad has been really enjoying his time off treatment. He had the head scan results which were good and showed the tumor in his head to have shrunk right down. But we have an appointment with his consultant on the 28th and will find out how his blood count is and if/when he has to go back on the dreaded chemo.

It’s all just a case of taking each day at a time and trying to appreciate what we have.

I hope those of you reading this are doing well.

Love and peace

Love and fear

I long for you every day, and yet you scare me beyond words. If I am to let you get to me, then I must become utterly vulnerable. I must entrust you with my delicate heart and watch you play with it foolishly. I won’t be able to take it back from you. I will hope that in return you will let me hold yours.. and I will promise to take good care of it. But I know that both of us are weak and fallible beings.

The walls I have built around me seem pretty sturdy, but whilst you may try to get in.. Inside I am desperate to get out. Someday maybe you will get hold of a big hammer and smash it down. Then you will find me cowering beneath the ruins of my own wall and you will have to uncover me. I wonder if you will ever think me worth that kind of effort. If you do, you will hold my heart.

There are only two who have held my heart, albeit in a different light. My parents have my heart and full trust, they are my world. But now I feel afraid that it will slip through their fingers before long. It will fall on the ground and smash, not because they no longer love me back, but because the world will have chewed them up and spat them back out. As much as they want to stay with me forever, they cannot.. And I know my heart will be broken forever. I’m scared beyond words.

Realising that even my parents will leave me does cause me to become ever more fearful of letting you close. But at the same time, knowing that they will someday leave me makes me wake up and smell the coffee. My parents long to see me happy, settled and living properly before they go. They long for grandchildren, and whilst that is a very unlikely outcome.. If there is to be any chance of them seeing these things, I have to step out of my comfort zone. I have to because you will probably never turn up on this doorstep and carry me off into the sunset. Those scenarios are cruelly shown to little girls who grow up believing in a fairytale.

I don’t believe in fairytale, but I still believe in love, as much as it terrifies me. And I want to have a chance of my parents seeing me happy before they die.

So.. that is why tomorrow I am stepping right out of my comfort zone to have my first date in three and a half years.

Wish me luck, nervous is not even the word..

I am

I am, I exist, I wake up every day
I’m lost in the mist of my own lonely way
I’ve tried many times
Reached as far as I could
Drawn north and then south
Between bad and then good

I had to pretend it would all be ok
To live in a world where I am just a stray
I’ve cried many times
I am broken inside
Born lonely my heart
In the darkness I hide

After an upsetting yesterday, which I won’t go into, today was so good. My mum was too unwell to celebrate mothers day until now, so finally we got out for a meal. It was a beautiful day and we were all enjoying it..

Out of the blue my brother said he had a ticket to go and see the ladyboys of bankok. I came up with every excuse, but they persuaded me to go. It was amazing and I had the best night I’d had in years. It was the first time I had danced and felt free in years. It a amazing