We have just been away for a couple of nights. The day we went happened to coincide with the day the long heatwave ended. Lol
Even so, we had a lovely break. The hotel was really nice and I had my own double room with a seaview balcony. Luxury.
I have missed having a double bed since I moved back with my parents. I have missed being independent.
I’ve been out a lot recently. I’ve even started driving to the gym on my own. Yesterday there was a power cut when I arrived. The manager walked through to the bar with me and told the staff to look after me and give me what I wanted on the house. I had a glass of wine and some yummy spiced nuts. The power came back quickly and I was able to do and hour and forty minutes in the gym.
I had a second date with that guy. We did kiss, and he’s lovely.. But something was just missing chemistry wise for me. So I sent him a message to tell him in as nice a way as I could, and we said we will be friends. I doubt we really will though.. Who knows. I feel very sad about it.. But at least I have got out and been on a date.
I really do wonder if there is someone out there for me. Or maybe I will find a way of accepting life on my own and being ok that way. It’s hard to imagine, because all I’ve ever imagined was companionship. I guess whatever will be will be.
Dad has been really enjoying his time off treatment. He had the head scan results which were good and showed the tumor in his head to have shrunk right down. But we have an appointment with his consultant on the 28th and will find out how his blood count is and if/when he has to go back on the dreaded chemo.
It’s all just a case of taking each day at a time and trying to appreciate what we have.
I hope those of you reading this are doing well.
Love and peace
I long for you every day, and yet you scare me beyond words. If I am to let you get to me, then I must become utterly vulnerable. I must entrust you with my delicate heart and watch you play with it foolishly. I won’t be able to take it back from you. I will hope that in return you will let me hold yours.. and I will promise to take good care of it. But I know that both of us are weak and fallible beings.
The walls I have built around me seem pretty sturdy, but whilst you may try to get in.. Inside I am desperate to get out. Someday maybe you will get hold of a big hammer and smash it down. Then you will find me cowering beneath the ruins of my own wall and you will have to uncover me. I wonder if you will ever think me worth that kind of effort. If you do, you will hold my heart.
There are only two who have held my heart, albeit in a different light. My parents have my heart and full trust, they are my world. But now I feel afraid that it will slip through their fingers before long. It will fall on the ground and smash, not because they no longer love me back, but because the world will have chewed them up and spat them back out. As much as they want to stay with me forever, they cannot.. And I know my heart will be broken forever. I’m scared beyond words.
Realising that even my parents will leave me does cause me to become ever more fearful of letting you close. But at the same time, knowing that they will someday leave me makes me wake up and smell the coffee. My parents long to see me happy, settled and living properly before they go. They long for grandchildren, and whilst that is a very unlikely outcome.. If there is to be any chance of them seeing these things, I have to step out of my comfort zone. I have to because you will probably never turn up on this doorstep and carry me off into the sunset. Those scenarios are cruelly shown to little girls who grow up believing in a fairytale.
I don’t believe in fairytale, but I still believe in love, as much as it terrifies me. And I want to have a chance of my parents seeing me happy before they die.
So.. that is why tomorrow I am stepping right out of my comfort zone to have my first date in three and a half years.
Wish me luck, nervous is not even the word..
I am, I exist, I wake up every day
I’m lost in the mist of my own lonely way
I’ve tried many times
Reached as far as I could
Drawn north and then south
Between bad and then good
I had to pretend it would all be ok
To live in a world where I am just a stray
I’ve cried many times
I am broken inside
Born lonely my heart
In the darkness I hide
After an upsetting yesterday, which I won’t go into, today was so good. My mum was too unwell to celebrate mothers day until now, so finally we got out for a meal. It was a beautiful day and we were all enjoying it..
Out of the blue my brother said he had a ticket to go and see the ladyboys of bankok. I came up with every excuse, but they persuaded me to go. It was amazing and I had the best night I’d had in years. It was the first time I had danced and felt free in years. It a amazing
I just came across this song.. I think it is so pure and honest. By Kowen
Look here i stand
Dark clothes in dark shadows
And in this peace
My head is thumping loudly
Saying to me
Over and again..
Girl, you’re a mess
Nobody ever liked you
They could not care less
Cos you’re a mess
Just look at you
You look so fat and ugly
Wearing that dress
You dirty mess
Life has an unlikely way of feeling both underwhelming and overwhelming at the same time. Small tasks and decisions are too much for me, and yet I yearn to be alive. To live.
I want to be alone, and yet the pain of loneliness kills me on a daily basis. Every song, film or television programme.. Every Facebook post, even just sitting in the garden hearing the neighbours together socialising, enjoying barbecues of a warm evening. I’m always on the outside looking on. That is how my entire life has felt.
I’m in this rut, this self created prison. My entire existence is governed by fear, longing and self loathing. I crave to be loved, but I cannot see myself as lovable. I can’t imagine trusting someone enough to allow them an important part of my life, the mere thought of that makes me feel my vulnerability and causes me to retreat.
Even friendship is alien to me. Sure I’ve had friends over the years, but they have only been people I see here and there rather than close friends who would notice if you are unhappy. The ones I ever did get close to abandoned me eventually, and the pain is not something I want to ever risk repeating.
The only two people I’ve ever known would always be there and who truly cared are my mum and dad. Now Dad has cancer and Mum is not in good health and waiting for a hernia operation. I’m scared. No, terrified.
I don’t remember the last warm physical contact I had. My entire being craves to be held in someone’s sheltering arms. I wish someone could break down the walls I have around me and show me that life can be good. Because there must be more than this.