Life has an unlikely way of feeling both underwhelming and overwhelming at the same time. Small tasks and decisions are too much for me, and yet I yearn to be alive. To live.
I want to be alone, and yet the pain of loneliness kills me on a daily basis. Every song, film or television programme.. Every Facebook post, even just sitting in the garden hearing the neighbours together socialising, enjoying barbecues of a warm evening. I’m always on the outside looking on. That is how my entire life has felt.
I’m in this rut, this self created prison. My entire existence is governed by fear, longing and self loathing. I crave to be loved, but I cannot see myself as lovable. I can’t imagine trusting someone enough to allow them an important part of my life, the mere thought of that makes me feel my vulnerability and causes me to retreat.
Even friendship is alien to me. Sure I’ve had friends over the years, but they have only been people I see here and there rather than close friends who would notice if you are unhappy. The ones I ever did get close to abandoned me eventually, and the pain is not something I want to ever risk repeating.
The only two people I’ve ever known would always be there and who truly cared are my mum and dad. Now Dad has cancer and Mum is not in good health and waiting for a hernia operation. I’m scared. No, terrified.
I don’t remember the last warm physical contact I had. My entire being craves to be held in someone’s sheltering arms. I wish someone could break down the walls I have around me and show me that life can be good. Because there must be more than this.
I go to bed every night thinking I’ve wasted another precious day. I wake up every morning thinking not another fucking day. That’s my routine. I wake up feeling crap, my eyes hurt, my head hurts and I never want to leave my bed. The things I used to enjoy no longer grab me. Nothing does. I don’t know if there’s any fight left in me. The tasks I would have to undertake to ever live a normal life seem insurmountable to me. Overwhelming. To achieve any of them, I would surely need the will to live. But I seem to have mislaid that shit.
I feel sad a lot. I hate myself a lot. And as always that loneliness doesn’t let up. Yet recently I’ve been avoiding any human contact.. I see I’m not helping myself.. But everything just feels so pointless. I haven’t left the house in ages.
On the most part, Dad is doing well. I’ve been avoiding thinking about his illness as much as I can. I’ve been avoiding everything as much as I can.
I hate that I keep hearing Dad on the phone telling people it is terminal. I don’t want to go there, it’s more than I can bear. When the dreadful time comes.. Unless some miracle happens in the near future.. I think I will have to check out too. God knows.
It might be OK if perhaps one thing had worked out in my pathetic life. Career? Friends who truly care? And oh love, the pièce de résistance. The thing I craved my entire life. Love. Not to mention children, who to me could only be a by-product of aforementioned love.
I believe I had a lot of love to give. I believe I might have been a good mother. I believe my life had so much promise once, all of which I wasted.
I long to wake up one day with a spring in my step and a renewed sense of hope. A new zest for living.
One can but dream..
If I doubt you, God. If I doubt you. I look out and I see the feathered creatures of many different colours and sizes. To me, they are indescribable beauty. They are the place I go to see your face. I see you in their eyes and character. I hear you in their perfect song. I watch them fly so close to you. I envy how they know you so.. They belong.
So sweet and pure and full of life. Do they awaken feeling lost and void of purpose?
The way I do each and every day?
I know they don’t. I know they know their place and that they see your face the way I can only long. I hear you in their perfect song. I adore them. I want to adore you.. But wait.. Maybe I do
It has been an utter waste
As with food I cannot taste
All I have is nothingness
All I am.. No more, no less
A mass of cells
A cow with bells
Take her to market
Hope she sells
Lay down the carpet
Pop the cork
Feast on this banquet
With a fork
He has his wife
Home alone and shut the door
Lying heaped upon the floor
All I have is alcohol
All I crave is to be whole
A silly fool
Lies in a pool
Of tears and no-one
Hears her call
Open the window
Put on a good show
Cheers to health
She has no life
I came in here tonight to talk to my friend. I put the radio on, they are playing songs which make me emotional. My friend didn’t answer. I’m worried, very worried that she is ok.
I sit drinking limoncello. Tears stream down my cheeks as songs remind me of my long lost best friend James, and days that have come and gone so fast. Songs from my childhood and wedding type songs.. The songs I dream of dancing to my happiest night ever with the love of my life. I dream. I fucking never stop dreaming.
My friend still doesn’t answer. I guess she’s asleep.
I’m a mess guys. An emotional mess.
I lie here listening to my dad vomiting in a bucket in the room next door. There is nothing I can do, he wants to be left alone. Most likely we will end up back in hospital either tomorrow or over the weekend, because he is unable to drink water let alone eat anything.. and he ends up getting dehydrated. I am guessing this will be our routine every week for the next 6 months, although he has one week off between each 4 week cycle of chemo.
I want to apologise that my writing is almost always melancholy. I didn’t know what this blog would be when I started it just over a year ago.. I hoped it would be a way of reaching out and sharing my poems etc, but recent times it has mostly been about our journey with Dad’s illness.
I have made one friend through this medium.. someone really special. We talk on the phone for hours and in a few weeks she will be visiting the uk, so we will get to meet. I’m really excited but also nervous. I will need to brave going out to meet her, but I really want to do it. I hope that she will like me in person.. I can be quite awkward. I feel I have made a friend for life and I am really lucky.
Did our online shopping order today. I made lamb stew yesterday, and Dad loved it so much(chemo tablets were this morning) I am going to make it again next week. I do all our shopping online, and because I do all the cooking I get free use of Dad’s credit card (oops) 😉 I may have added caramel chocolate on there.. and sweet chilli nuts.
Yesterday sucked a lot. I bloody hate valentines day. I am happy for those who are loved-up.. but God it is painful for those who long for love but are alone. And to be 37 having never.. not once.. had a meal or flowers or anything at all for that day. Few could understand the loneliness I have endured my entire life. I’ve lacked friendship and love. Yes I am lucky to have had my parents.. but actually a parents job is to raise you and set you free into the world to make your own life. And things have never been perfect even within the family, especially when I was a little girl. I have not made my own life and I am a disappointment as a daughter as well as everything else.
Had to end on a negative note, didn’t I ! Back to something good.. here’s looking forward to my friend’s visit.
Love and peace to you all, thank you for taking time to read my nonsense.
Finally I managed to get my hair done today. Six months since it was last done. No more dark roots.. Back to being blonde. Pointless really as not many if any will see it. But I will not have to look at those dark roots anymore.
My hairdresser is lovely.. She knows a little of my situation and is always really kind and caring towards me. I like her very much. I think she likes me, but that could be just pretend for business purposes.
Dad drove me there and picked me up. He has only just been able to drive again this week. The last time he drove was back from Stanstead when we returned from Greece. I had no idea how bad his double vision was. I screamed once when the vehicle was getting closer and closer to the van we were overtaking on the motorway. He swerved away, but I figure we were closer to our end. Sometimes I think it would have been better if we had all gone together. But then I consider the poor other driver.. And no it would not be better to drag someone else down. Of course dad should not have driven. He admits that himself now, but mum and I had no idea.
He is ok driving now as his eyesight has returned to normal. The radiotherapy and chemo appear to have shrunk that tumor for the time being. So that is good.
But he has missed another two weeks of chemo.. We were back and forth from hospital with his high temperatures and nausea, dehydration and lack of appetite. He still can’t eat much and only really bland food.
I feel in a bad place mentally at the moment. Really depressed, really hopeless. I look at my life and seriously think what a mess it has been, some of my own creating,.. But largely I just don’t feel I could ever belong in this world. I am such a rare species and people just don’t get me.
I’m currently feeling myself going down dark paths again.. Starting to obsess about not eating. Hating myself lots, wanting to drink desperately but that is not possible because I know mum would smell it on my breath straight away. Engaging in dangerous chat on the Internet (my oddest addiction). Sometimes I just crave to be wanted. By men. Sometimes I long to be a woman. I’m frustrated.. With everything.
But for now I must go cook dinner for mum. Dad doesn’t need me for much now. He won’t eat my food and doesn’t need me to drive him. I’m back to being useless.. But of course it’s good that he is improving. I love him and want the best.
Here’s a couple of pictures of the lasagne I baked last night