I’ve Been Spiralling..

I’ve been spiralling down into a really dark place recently. I cat and flat sat, and it was lovely to have some time with adorable feline creatures. But my life is normally devoid of any kind of freedom..

So I sat there in a lonely flat and I turned to drink. On one night I texted a guy I dated four years ago and have never been able to forget. I only said hi, but he rang me and asked if he could come over. He did come over and whilst I resisted at first, he got me to kiss and cuddle him and told me he had always liked me and couldn’t forget me. He made me feel like he wanted a relationship. For a brief moment I felt happy.

Then the next day he was back to being cold as if nothing had happened. I felt so hurt and used. He’s an asshole and I’m a fool.

On three occasions whilst I cat sat I ended up so drunk that I went out and was in a dangerous situation, and the next day I remembered very little. One morning I woke up in a graveyard. I had such a large bump to the back of my head, it resembled a golf ball.

I had lost my keys and cards, but thankfully I went to the police station and they had been handed in. But the worst thing is worrying about my lack of memory about what happened. I’ve been sick with worry and anxiety.

In the end, I got back in contact with the police and was completely honest with them about everything. I didn’t have a great opinion of them from previous dealings.. But they have all been so lovely this time.

I went and saw one of them on Tuesday, and I’m sure he had tears in his eyes about me. It felt like he truly cared. He said I seemed like a good person who is unhappy and he really hopes i can turn my life around. He is going to review any cctv of the area on this nights to see what happened to me and will be in touch.

The cats were well looked after. Fed, watered, cuddled, cleaned and allowed in and out during the day. But I did not extend the same care to myself.

At the weekend I went out to meet a guy who I’d been chatting with a while. I was very nervous, but I keep trying to force myself to go out of my comfort zone, and I feel like my chances of finding love before I lose my parents are limited. They want to see me happy, they want grandchildren. I feel desperate to give them that. I feel lost and afraid every day.

So I went out to meet this guy and I was stood up. He sent some crazy excuse, but he hasn’t been in touch since. That really upset me.

I hate men. But I keep trying to find a good one.

On Tuesday I went to the pub with a friend and his friend. It was a good evening.. And there was nobody in the pub but us, so I felt more comfortable. But again I drank too much.

I think my friend I met off here has fallen out with me again after just two weeks since she got back in touch and said sorry.

I’m really very depressed at the moment. I feel so unhappy. I keep crying, I can’t face the future. I can’t face the winter, dad going back on treatment..

Both my parents are also very depressed. We have a constant shadow hanging over us with Dad’s illness and mum’s heart problem and hernia.

I’ve told them I won’t carry on living once they leave me. There would be nobody to love me or care about me. I would end it.

I’m sorry for such a disjointed and negative post today. I’m rambling, I know. I’m sorry. I’m an idiot.

After an upsetting yesterday, which I won’t go into, today was so good. My mum was too unwell to celebrate mothers day until now, so finally we got out for a meal. It was a beautiful day and we were all enjoying it..

Out of the blue my brother said he had a ticket to go and see the ladyboys of bankok. I came up with every excuse, but they persuaded me to go. It was amazing and I had the best night I’d had in years. It was the first time I had danced and felt free in years. It a amazing

There must be more than this..

Life has an unlikely way of feeling both underwhelming and overwhelming at the same time. Small tasks and decisions are too much for me, and yet I yearn to be alive. To live.

I want to be alone, and yet the pain of loneliness kills me on a daily basis. Every song, film or television programme.. Every Facebook post, even just sitting in the garden hearing the neighbours together socialising, enjoying barbecues of a warm evening. I’m always on the outside looking on. That is how my entire life has felt.

I’m in this rut, this self created prison. My entire existence is governed by fear, longing and self loathing. I crave to be loved, but I cannot see myself as lovable. I can’t imagine trusting someone enough to allow them an important part of my life, the mere thought of that makes me feel my vulnerability and causes me to retreat.

Even friendship is alien to me. Sure I’ve had friends over the years, but they have only been people I see here and there rather than close friends who would notice if you are unhappy. The ones I ever did get close to abandoned me eventually, and the pain is not something I want to ever risk repeating.

The only two people I’ve ever known would always be there and who truly cared are my mum and dad. Now Dad has cancer and Mum is not in good health and waiting for a hernia operation. I’m scared. No, terrified.

I don’t remember the last warm physical contact I had. My entire being craves to be held in someone’s sheltering arms. I wish someone could break down the walls I have around me and show me that life can be good. Because there must be more than this.

Negative thoughts and me

I go to bed every night thinking I’ve wasted another precious day. I wake up every morning thinking not another fucking day. That’s my routine. I wake up feeling crap, my eyes hurt, my head hurts and I never want to leave my bed. The things I used to enjoy no longer grab me. Nothing does. I don’t know if there’s any fight left in me. The tasks I would have to undertake to ever live a normal life seem insurmountable to me. Overwhelming. To achieve any of them, I would surely need the will to live. But I seem to have mislaid that shit.

I feel sad a lot. I hate myself a lot. And as always that loneliness doesn’t let up. Yet recently I’ve been avoiding any human contact.. I see I’m not helping myself.. But everything just feels so pointless. I haven’t left the house in ages.

On the most part, Dad is doing well. I’ve been avoiding thinking about his illness as much as I can. I’ve been avoiding everything as much as I can.

I hate that I keep hearing Dad on the phone telling people it is terminal. I don’t want to go there, it’s more than I can bear. When the dreadful time comes.. Unless some miracle happens in the near future.. I think I will have to check out too. God knows.

It might be OK if perhaps one thing had worked out in my pathetic life. Career? Friends who truly care? And oh love, the pièce de résistance. The thing I craved my entire life. Love. Not to mention children, who to me could only be a by-product of aforementioned love.

I believe I had a lot of love to give. I believe I might have been a good mother. I believe my life had so much promise once, all of which I wasted.

I long to wake up one day with a spring in my step and a renewed sense of hope. A new zest for living.

One can but dream..

On the Wings of a Prayer

If I doubt you, God. If I doubt you. I look out and I see the feathered creatures of many different colours and sizes. To me, they are indescribable beauty. They are the place I go to see your face. I see you in their eyes and character. I hear you in their perfect song. I watch them fly so close to you. I envy how they know you so.. They belong.

So sweet and pure and full of life. Do they awaken feeling lost and void of purpose?
The way I do each and every day?
I know they don’t. I know they know their place and that they see your face the way I can only long. I hear you in their perfect song. I adore them. I want to adore you.. But wait.. Maybe I do

And Life.. (poem)

It has been an utter waste
As with food I cannot taste
All I have is nothingness
All I am.. No more, no less
A mass of cells
A cow with bells
Take her to market
Hope she sells
Lay down the carpet
Pop the cork
Feast on this banquet
With a fork
And knife
Look.. see
He has his wife

Home alone and shut the door
Lying heaped upon the floor
All I have is alcohol
All I crave is to be whole
A silly fool
Lies in a pool
Of tears and no-one
Hears her call
Open the window
Show yourself
Put on a good show
Cheers to health
And life
Look.. See
She has no life

I’m a mess guys

I came in here tonight to talk to my friend. I put the radio on, they are playing songs which make me emotional. My friend didn’t answer. I’m worried, very worried that she is ok.

I sit drinking limoncello. Tears stream down my cheeks as songs remind me of my long lost best friend James, and days that have come and gone so fast. Songs from my childhood and wedding type songs.. The songs I dream of dancing to my happiest night ever with the love of my life. I dream. I fucking never stop dreaming.

My friend still doesn’t answer. I guess she’s asleep.

Sniff. Slurp

I’m a mess guys. An emotional mess.