I’ve been spiralling down into a really dark place recently. I cat and flat sat, and it was lovely to have some time with adorable feline creatures. But my life is normally devoid of any kind of freedom..
So I sat there in a lonely flat and I turned to drink. On one night I texted a guy I dated four years ago and have never been able to forget. I only said hi, but he rang me and asked if he could come over. He did come over and whilst I resisted at first, he got me to kiss and cuddle him and told me he had always liked me and couldn’t forget me. He made me feel like he wanted a relationship. For a brief moment I felt happy.
Then the next day he was back to being cold as if nothing had happened. I felt so hurt and used. He’s an asshole and I’m a fool.
On three occasions whilst I cat sat I ended up so drunk that I went out and was in a dangerous situation, and the next day I remembered very little. One morning I woke up in a graveyard. I had such a large bump to the back of my head, it resembled a golf ball.
I had lost my keys and cards, but thankfully I went to the police station and they had been handed in. But the worst thing is worrying about my lack of memory about what happened. I’ve been sick with worry and anxiety.
In the end, I got back in contact with the police and was completely honest with them about everything. I didn’t have a great opinion of them from previous dealings.. But they have all been so lovely this time.
I went and saw one of them on Tuesday, and I’m sure he had tears in his eyes about me. It felt like he truly cared. He said I seemed like a good person who is unhappy and he really hopes i can turn my life around. He is going to review any cctv of the area on this nights to see what happened to me and will be in touch.
The cats were well looked after. Fed, watered, cuddled, cleaned and allowed in and out during the day. But I did not extend the same care to myself.
At the weekend I went out to meet a guy who I’d been chatting with a while. I was very nervous, but I keep trying to force myself to go out of my comfort zone, and I feel like my chances of finding love before I lose my parents are limited. They want to see me happy, they want grandchildren. I feel desperate to give them that. I feel lost and afraid every day.
So I went out to meet this guy and I was stood up. He sent some crazy excuse, but he hasn’t been in touch since. That really upset me.
I hate men. But I keep trying to find a good one.
On Tuesday I went to the pub with a friend and his friend. It was a good evening.. And there was nobody in the pub but us, so I felt more comfortable. But again I drank too much.
I think my friend I met off here has fallen out with me again after just two weeks since she got back in touch and said sorry.
I’m really very depressed at the moment. I feel so unhappy. I keep crying, I can’t face the future. I can’t face the winter, dad going back on treatment..
Both my parents are also very depressed. We have a constant shadow hanging over us with Dad’s illness and mum’s heart problem and hernia.
I’ve told them I won’t carry on living once they leave me. There would be nobody to love me or care about me. I would end it.
I’m sorry for such a disjointed and negative post today. I’m rambling, I know. I’m sorry. I’m an idiot.