Love and fear

I long for you every day, and yet you scare me beyond words. If I am to let you get to me, then I must become utterly vulnerable. I must entrust you with my delicate heart and watch you play with it foolishly. I won’t be able to take it back from you. I will hope that in return you will let me hold yours.. and I will promise to take good care of it. But I know that both of us are weak and fallible beings.

The walls I have built around me seem pretty sturdy, but whilst you may try to get in.. Inside I am desperate to get out. Someday maybe you will get hold of a big hammer and smash it down. Then you will find me cowering beneath the ruins of my own wall and you will have to uncover me. I wonder if you will ever think me worth that kind of effort. If you do, you will hold my heart.

There are only two who have held my heart, albeit in a different light. My parents have my heart and full trust, they are my world. But now I feel afraid that it will slip through their fingers before long. It will fall on the ground and smash, not because they no longer love me back, but because the world will have chewed them up and spat them back out. As much as they want to stay with me forever, they cannot.. And I know my heart will be broken forever. I’m scared beyond words.

Realising that even my parents will leave me does cause me to become ever more fearful of letting you close. But at the same time, knowing that they will someday leave me makes me wake up and smell the coffee. My parents long to see me happy, settled and living properly before they go. They long for grandchildren, and whilst that is a very unlikely outcome.. If there is to be any chance of them seeing these things, I have to step out of my comfort zone. I have to because you will probably never turn up on this doorstep and carry me off into the sunset. Those scenarios are cruelly shown to little girls who grow up believing in a fairytale.

I don’t believe in fairytale, but I still believe in love, as much as it terrifies me. And I want to have a chance of my parents seeing me happy before they die.

So.. that is why tomorrow I am stepping right out of my comfort zone to have my first date in three and a half years.

Wish me luck, nervous is not even the word..

Yours

Wrap me up so gently in your arms

Clothe my naked being in your love

Stroke my hair and look into my eyes

I am yours with every breath

Yours completely

Yours to take

Yours to hold

Unfold me

Mold me

Make sweet love until the sunrise

For in this moment there is nothing

That exists but you and I

With every heartbeat I am yours until I die

Yours

The Homeless Man

I met you there that cold night

The air stinging from the snow

When I saw you it was clear

That you had nowhere to go

So being the stupid fool I am

Thinking I could change the world

I took you in the hotel

Tried to book a room for you

But the girl, she told me no

She said it wouldn’t help

You’d be back out there tomorrow

I didn’t speak your language

And you could not speak mine

But through the girl you thanked me

And said my heart was fine

So back outside you went

And when I came out too

Your poor friend in his wheelchair

Was slumped just up the road

I ran to him, I knew

There was nothing I could say or do

So I just held his face

Took his cold hand

Looked deep into his eyes with love

And saw some tears well up in them

I knew nobody had touched him that way in years

Maybe never so

Before I turned away

I had to go

With hope that he would know

He would forever be in my heart and prayers

Which is true

For it has been nine years

And still I pray for him

L o v e

The candle flickered against her breath.. darting and ducking, rising back up tall then crouching down again. She felt its warmth against her soft glowing skin as shadows moved and danced across the walls. There was no sound other than of her own breathing.. and the small murmur of her still beating heart was more of a dull vibration.

Long blonde hair draped down the sides of her face. Hands rested across each other on the table, her painted pink nails shone boldly. Suddenly she felt a wet drop upon them.. and with her mind not being in the room as she began weeping gently, the wetness of that droplet took her quite by surprise.

The emptiness of the room was synonymous with how her heart felt, but there was more than that. More than just emptiness, if emptiness is a thing at all. What she was feeling right there that night was a vicious cocktail of all the longings of the heart and soul, something so deep.. So profound. So painful and aching within her very life source. It was like a gruesome roadkill she couldn’t bear to look at being locked in with her.

She needed some respite, and the bottle of red she had saved for the right occasion seemed appropriate – even if when she bought it she had envisioned the occasion to be a slightly happier one.

The glass was large and the wine slipped down like a medicine ball crashing into her tummy. Seconds turned into minutes into hours into oblivion. This escape plan had not worked at all, for now she lay heaped on the floor wailing loudly like a child into a cushion and feeling the pain even more intensely than before.

‘I didn’t want to fall for him. I shouldn’t have. I haven’t have I?? Really??  I literally have”

She was wailing so loudly she didn’t hear him knocking at first, and when she did she fell silent pretending not to be there. But his voice called out her name, she heard him. It sounded like heaven. The voice that belonged to the man she knew she should never talk to again.

So she let him in.