A good week..

This has been a really good week. I collected two female hedgehogs from a rescue centre on Tuesday. I will keep them for a week before allowing them to come and go as they please.. And then they may go off and find homes elsewhere.

On Tuesday I also finally dragged myself to the doctors, equipped with a list of ailments that need investigation. I’ve had lots of bloods taken to be tested and am going to have an ultrasound scan.. And also I might see a sleep specialist. The doctor was really lovely.. So I think I will see her from now on.

Dad seems to be doing well.. Although he has lost a lot of weight and has been sick two days a week immediately following his chemo. He’s taken a different anti sickness this week, and has been much better. His consultant thinks he is doing well anyway, so that is brilliant.

On Wednesday my friend arrived. I met her from on here originally, but never expected we would meet. We have spent a really lovely few days together so far.. We have had meals out and seen a few different places locally. I’m so pleased she came to see me.

It is so unusual that I feel so comfortable with anyone outside of my immediate family. But with this friend I feel so at ease. Tomorrow she is hopefully coming to meet my parents and enjoy a takeaway here. Sunday she leaves, but I don’t really want to think about that.

I am sorry my posts have been few and far between recently. I shall try to do better..

More Rambling

I lie here listening to my dad vomiting in a bucket in the room next door. There is nothing I can do, he wants to be left alone.Ā  Most likely we will end up back in hospital either tomorrow or over the weekend, because he is unable to drink water let alone eat anything.. and he ends up getting dehydrated. I am guessing this will be our routine every week for the next 6 months, although he has one week off between each 4 week cycle of chemo.Ā 

 

I want to apologise that my writing is almost always melancholy. I didn’t know what this blog would be when I started it just over a year ago.. I hoped it would be a way of reaching out and sharing my poems etc, but recent times it has mostly been about our journey with Dad’s illness.

 

I have made one friend through this medium.. someone really special. We talk on the phone for hours and in a few weeks she will be visiting the uk, so we will get to meet. I’m really excited but also nervous. I will need to brave going out to meet her, but I really want to do it. I hope that she will like me in person.. I can be quite awkward. I feel I have made a friend for life and I am really lucky.

 

Did our online shopping order today. I made lamb stew yesterday, and Dad loved it so much(chemo tablets were this morning) I am going to make it again next week. I do all our shopping online, and because I do all the cooking I get free use of Dad’s credit card (oops) šŸ˜‰ I may have added caramel chocolate on there.. and sweet chilli nuts.

 

Yesterday sucked a lot. I bloody hate valentines day. I am happy for those who are loved-up.. but God it is painful for those who long for love but are alone. And to be 37 having never.. not once.. had a meal or flowers or anything at all for that day. Few could understand the loneliness I have endured my entire life. I’ve lacked friendship and love. Yes I am lucky to have had my parents.. but actually a parents job is to raise you and set you free into the world to make your own life. And things have never been perfect even within the family, especially when I was a little girl. I have not made my own life and I am a disappointment as a daughter as well as everything else.

 

Had to end on a negative note, didn’t I ! Back to something good.. here’s looking forward to my friend’s visit.

 

Love and peace to you all, thank you for taking time to read my nonsense.

 

 

Sitting in an emergency ward..

Had to bring dad back to hospital last night as he couldn’t eat, drink or pass urine and he was retching to be sick the whole time. They kept him in overnight to rehydrate him and give him anti sickness intravenously.

Sitting here now listening to constant beeps. Witnessing the other patients.. I always notice the other people. Often I wonder if they have anyone to visit them and wish I could help them in some way. But I can’t.

I always hated hospitals. Sitting here it is impossible to pretend we are not all fragile transient beings. Once all is said and done, we each end up the same. Powerlessly in decline, trying to hold on to what is not ours to keep.

The NHS is amazing. The staff are amazing. If our government continues to destroy this they will have so much blood on their hands to be ashamed of. But thank God for the incredible hard work of those still trying against the odds to keep it going and offer care to those most vulnerable.

Ramblings of a sad, Lonely loser

Finally I managed to get my hair done today. Six months since it was last done. No more dark roots.. Back to being blonde. Pointless really as not many if any will see it. But I will not have to look at those dark roots anymore.

My hairdresser is lovely.. She knows a little of my situation and is always really kind and caring towards me. I like her very much. I think she likes me, but that could be just pretend for business purposes.

Dad drove me there and picked me up. He has only just been able to drive again this week. The last time he drove was back from Stanstead when we returned from Greece. I had no idea how bad his double vision was. I screamed once when the vehicle was getting closer and closer to the van we were overtaking on the motorway. He swerved away, but I figure we were closer to our end. Sometimes I think it would have been better if we had all gone together. But then I consider the poor other driver.. And no it would not be better to drag someone else down. Of course dad should not have driven. He admits that himself now, but mum and I had no idea.

He is ok driving now as his eyesight has returned to normal. The radiotherapy and chemo appear to have shrunk that tumor for the time being. So that is good.

But he has missed another two weeks of chemo.. We were back and forth from hospital with his high temperatures and nausea, dehydration and lack of appetite. He still can’t eat much and only really bland food.

I feel in a bad place mentally at the moment. Really depressed, really hopeless. I look at my life and seriously think what a mess it has been, some of my own creating,.. But largely I just don’t feel I could ever belong in this world. I am such a rare species and people just don’t get me.

I’m currently feeling myself going down dark paths again.. Starting to obsess about not eating. Hating myself lots, wanting to drink desperately but that is not possible because I know mum would smell it on my breath straight away. Engaging in dangerous chat on the Internet (my oddest addiction). Sometimes I just crave to be wanted. By men. Sometimes I long to be a woman. I’m frustrated.. With everything.

But for now I must go cook dinner for mum. Dad doesn’t need me for much now. He won’t eat my food and doesn’t need me to drive him. I’m back to being useless.. But of course it’s good that he is improving. I love him and want the best.

Here’s a couple of pictures of the lasagne I baked last night

The second time dad went crazy.. A Christmas like no otherĀ 

Following on from my previous post when dad went crazy, spent time in hospital and then was sent home without psychological assessment… 

Three days later he had lost his mind again. Mum and I went to get fish and chips as dad had requested them, and while we were out dad got himself shut out in the cold with no keys or phone.. Knocking on neighbours doors and talking nonsense to them. The man over the road apparently shouted at him that he was crazy, before another neighbour kindly took him in and phoned us to come and get him. He was so afraid and confused. 

The next day at 5:30pm on the 19th we were watching the Apprentice when dad suddenly said “right that’s enough” and walked out. He went and grabbed a filthy bag of rubbish from the kitchen and took it into the bedroom with him. Then he shut mum in the bedroom with him and said rubbish bag. He would not let her out or me in. She had no phone or access to toilet or water. She called out and asked me to get help, and I don’t remember but I must have called 999 and my uncle who came. 

Shortly after, four police arrived with two ambulance people. Dad was against the door holding it shut with his body. Without communication or warning, the police burst the door open, dad went flying, the television went flying, mum was screaming, I was crying and telling them not to hurt him. 

Now with the door open mum was able to get out of the room. The police tried to talk to dad but he stared blankly into space. After a while, they told us that now Mum was in no danger there was nothing they could do. The ambulance people did not have the power to section him. So they said they would refer and they all left. 

Dad then shut himself alone in the bedroom and pinned himself against the door to stop anyone entering. He is stronger than one might think! We could hear him doing things but couldn’t see what. 

Eventually, after more phone calls, an out of hours doctor came at about 4 am. Doctor, uncle and I managed to slowly get the door open little by little. Dad just kept shouting ‘GO,GO’. That was all he would say. He was sitting on the floor in just his pants. 

Doctor decided that yes he did need to be sectioned, but that would require psychiatrists who don’t work out of hours. It would also involve organising three professionals to all meet here at the same time to assess dad and sign papers. We were told it would happen first thing in the morning. Doctor left. 

My brother and his wife tried lying on the lounge floor. I was on sofa, mum in arm chair, uncle was on an airbed in the hall outside the bedroom where dad was. 

Suddenly dad was trying to get out of the window. We ran to stop him, he hurt my hand, the curtains and rail were ripped from the ceiling. My brother ran outside to try and stop dad from out there. Mum phoned the police again. 

This time six officers attended. By the time they arrived, we had managed to stop dad getting out and had locked all windows and doors and hidden all keys. The police hang around a short time before leaving. After that dad pretty much spent the entire time pacing the hallway looking like a tortured zombie. Until the following evening. 

No, it was not first thing in the morning that we heard from them. It was the evening. We felt abandoned by the world, like no help would ever come. 

And so, at about 6pm on the 20th December (24 hours trying to get help, 36 hours with no sleep) my dad was finally driven away in an ambulance and admitted to a mental health hospital where he spent Christmas and new year. He spent three weeks there and mum and I visited him every day. It was the saddest Christmas ever. The hospital was amazing and staff lovely, plus I fell in love with a couple of other lonely patients. 

They think he had a bad reaction to the steroids. He is now on olanzapine. He came home a week ago, and it is so wonderful to have him home. His chemo has been delayed, but it restarts tomorrow. Hopefully it will only get better from here. None of us ever want to go through that again.. 

I don’t know if I have described events well. I think it would be impossible for anyone to really understand what it was like unless they had been there. I know how much I love my dad, and I know I would do anything for him. I appreciate every moment with him, every smile, every hug, every bad joke .. Everything 

 

Quick update on dad.. HeartbrokenĀ 

I’m going to write properly whenever I get the chance.. 

In the meantime a quick update. Wednesday afternoon dad started getting really bad again. It took me from when I first called the doctors at 5:15 pm until 5:45 pm the following day to get help for him. No sleep, my mum was being held hostage in the bedroom. Police burst in and dad went flying. Dad tried jumping out of the window but somehow we managed to stop him.. He wouldn’t talk to any of us, it was awful. 

Finally psychiatrists came and they took him to a mental health clinic where he remains. Yesterday mum and i visited.. But he blames us for putting him there and thinks we betrayed him. 

I’m so so devastated. My heart is breaking over and over again.. 

The week my dad went mad

I’ve come up to my cold and lonely room so tired and in need of sleep. I struggled to sleep already, but the events of the last week have left terrible scars. If I were to explain, it would not ever put across quite what it has been like. But I shall try…

 

 

I believe my last post was about last Monday night when Mum was being sick and Dad started to talk nonsense. Well things got progressively worse as the week went on. Tuesday he was terrible and that night I managed to get him to go to bed eventually, Wednesday he was worse and showing serious signs of paranoia. He seemed to see me as the enemy and was trying to control which room I could be in and what I could do.Ā  Mum and I both struggled to get him to go to bed but managed it eventually..

 

 

But Thursday I decided that Mum and I could no longer cope alone. I phoned my brother and asked him to come and be with Dad whilst Mum and I went to talk with a doctor about Dad. Our usual doctor was away and so we saw a woman, and she was so unhelpful and unsympathetic, we were very upset. She did agree to send an emergency doctor to our house later to assess Dad.. At this point Mum and I were so upset, we didn’t want to go straight home so we popped for coffee.

 

 

When we got home, Dad and my brother had been chatting. Apparently Dad kept running out and chucking used teabags out the door. Not long after our return the doctor we had seen earlier came. Amazingly she apologised for being so unsympathetic earlier.. and then she talked to Dad, took his bp etc.Ā  She suggested that she send a mental health assessor but that the soonest appointment would be the next morning.

 

 

As for the rest of the day.. you just had to be there to believe it. He was doing the weirdest things, wouldn’t let anyone go to the bathroom without a fight, wouldn’t let my brother cook for us and confiscated the shopping he brought. He peeled and cooked one potato.. and no word of a lie, he stood looking at this saucepan of cooked potato for 3 and a half hours. Nobody could go anywhere or do anything, and we couldn’t carry on like that. I phoned my uncle (Dad’s brother) and he came straight over.. and once he saw how bad Dad was we all agreed to try and get him in to hospital that night. Well.. that was the idea, but it took until 5am. We were all up all night and dad was still pacing around stopping anyone from going to the toilet or to get a drink. It was the weirdest, scariest, most heartbreakingĀ  night I’ve ever had. Dad wouldn’t let me near him and his eyes looked empty like he wasn’t there anymore.

 

 

 

I will continue this tomorrow, as the story doesn’t end there.

 

 

tbc…