Tomorrow mum has her echocardiogram to find out what is going on with her heart. She is desperate to be given the go ahead for her hernia operation as this impacts her life so much, but also we are really worried about her heart.
Then Tuesday dad is back to see his consultant and find out where we’re at with the dreaded ‘c’ word.
So a week of hospitals and worries really..
We have just been away for a couple of nights. The day we went happened to coincide with the day the long heatwave ended. Lol
Even so, we had a lovely break. The hotel was really nice and I had my own double room with a seaview balcony. Luxury.
I have missed having a double bed since I moved back with my parents. I have missed being independent.
I’ve been out a lot recently. I’ve even started driving to the gym on my own. Yesterday there was a power cut when I arrived. The manager walked through to the bar with me and told the staff to look after me and give me what I wanted on the house. I had a glass of wine and some yummy spiced nuts. The power came back quickly and I was able to do and hour and forty minutes in the gym.
I had a second date with that guy. We did kiss, and he’s lovely.. But something was just missing chemistry wise for me. So I sent him a message to tell him in as nice a way as I could, and we said we will be friends. I doubt we really will though.. Who knows. I feel very sad about it.. But at least I have got out and been on a date.
I really do wonder if there is someone out there for me. Or maybe I will find a way of accepting life on my own and being ok that way. It’s hard to imagine, because all I’ve ever imagined was companionship. I guess whatever will be will be.
Dad has been really enjoying his time off treatment. He had the head scan results which were good and showed the tumor in his head to have shrunk right down. But we have an appointment with his consultant on the 28th and will find out how his blood count is and if/when he has to go back on the dreaded chemo.
It’s all just a case of taking each day at a time and trying to appreciate what we have.
I hope those of you reading this are doing well.
Love and peace
I lie here listening to my dad vomiting in a bucket in the room next door. There is nothing I can do, he wants to be left alone. Most likely we will end up back in hospital either tomorrow or over the weekend, because he is unable to drink water let alone eat anything.. and he ends up getting dehydrated. I am guessing this will be our routine every week for the next 6 months, although he has one week off between each 4 week cycle of chemo.
I want to apologise that my writing is almost always melancholy. I didn’t know what this blog would be when I started it just over a year ago.. I hoped it would be a way of reaching out and sharing my poems etc, but recent times it has mostly been about our journey with Dad’s illness.
I have made one friend through this medium.. someone really special. We talk on the phone for hours and in a few weeks she will be visiting the uk, so we will get to meet. I’m really excited but also nervous. I will need to brave going out to meet her, but I really want to do it. I hope that she will like me in person.. I can be quite awkward. I feel I have made a friend for life and I am really lucky.
Did our online shopping order today. I made lamb stew yesterday, and Dad loved it so much(chemo tablets were this morning) I am going to make it again next week. I do all our shopping online, and because I do all the cooking I get free use of Dad’s credit card (oops) 😉 I may have added caramel chocolate on there.. and sweet chilli nuts.
Yesterday sucked a lot. I bloody hate valentines day. I am happy for those who are loved-up.. but God it is painful for those who long for love but are alone. And to be 37 having never.. not once.. had a meal or flowers or anything at all for that day. Few could understand the loneliness I have endured my entire life. I’ve lacked friendship and love. Yes I am lucky to have had my parents.. but actually a parents job is to raise you and set you free into the world to make your own life. And things have never been perfect even within the family, especially when I was a little girl. I have not made my own life and I am a disappointment as a daughter as well as everything else.
Had to end on a negative note, didn’t I ! Back to something good.. here’s looking forward to my friend’s visit.
Love and peace to you all, thank you for taking time to read my nonsense.
Finally I managed to get my hair done today. Six months since it was last done. No more dark roots.. Back to being blonde. Pointless really as not many if any will see it. But I will not have to look at those dark roots anymore.
My hairdresser is lovely.. She knows a little of my situation and is always really kind and caring towards me. I like her very much. I think she likes me, but that could be just pretend for business purposes.
Dad drove me there and picked me up. He has only just been able to drive again this week. The last time he drove was back from Stanstead when we returned from Greece. I had no idea how bad his double vision was. I screamed once when the vehicle was getting closer and closer to the van we were overtaking on the motorway. He swerved away, but I figure we were closer to our end. Sometimes I think it would have been better if we had all gone together. But then I consider the poor other driver.. And no it would not be better to drag someone else down. Of course dad should not have driven. He admits that himself now, but mum and I had no idea.
He is ok driving now as his eyesight has returned to normal. The radiotherapy and chemo appear to have shrunk that tumor for the time being. So that is good.
But he has missed another two weeks of chemo.. We were back and forth from hospital with his high temperatures and nausea, dehydration and lack of appetite. He still can’t eat much and only really bland food.
I feel in a bad place mentally at the moment. Really depressed, really hopeless. I look at my life and seriously think what a mess it has been, some of my own creating,.. But largely I just don’t feel I could ever belong in this world. I am such a rare species and people just don’t get me.
I’m currently feeling myself going down dark paths again.. Starting to obsess about not eating. Hating myself lots, wanting to drink desperately but that is not possible because I know mum would smell it on my breath straight away. Engaging in dangerous chat on the Internet (my oddest addiction). Sometimes I just crave to be wanted. By men. Sometimes I long to be a woman. I’m frustrated.. With everything.
But for now I must go cook dinner for mum. Dad doesn’t need me for much now. He won’t eat my food and doesn’t need me to drive him. I’m back to being useless.. But of course it’s good that he is improving. I love him and want the best.
Here’s a couple of pictures of the lasagne I baked last night
I’m going to write properly whenever I get the chance..
In the meantime a quick update. Wednesday afternoon dad started getting really bad again. It took me from when I first called the doctors at 5:15 pm until 5:45 pm the following day to get help for him. No sleep, my mum was being held hostage in the bedroom. Police burst in and dad went flying. Dad tried jumping out of the window but somehow we managed to stop him.. He wouldn’t talk to any of us, it was awful.
Finally psychiatrists came and they took him to a mental health clinic where he remains. Yesterday mum and i visited.. But he blames us for putting him there and thinks we betrayed him.
I’m so so devastated. My heart is breaking over and over again..
I’ve come up to my cold and lonely room so tired and in need of sleep. I struggled to sleep already, but the events of the last week have left terrible scars. If I were to explain, it would not ever put across quite what it has been like. But I shall try…
I believe my last post was about last Monday night when Mum was being sick and Dad started to talk nonsense. Well things got progressively worse as the week went on. Tuesday he was terrible and that night I managed to get him to go to bed eventually, Wednesday he was worse and showing serious signs of paranoia. He seemed to see me as the enemy and was trying to control which room I could be in and what I could do. Mum and I both struggled to get him to go to bed but managed it eventually..
But Thursday I decided that Mum and I could no longer cope alone. I phoned my brother and asked him to come and be with Dad whilst Mum and I went to talk with a doctor about Dad. Our usual doctor was away and so we saw a woman, and she was so unhelpful and unsympathetic, we were very upset. She did agree to send an emergency doctor to our house later to assess Dad.. At this point Mum and I were so upset, we didn’t want to go straight home so we popped for coffee.
When we got home, Dad and my brother had been chatting. Apparently Dad kept running out and chucking used teabags out the door. Not long after our return the doctor we had seen earlier came. Amazingly she apologised for being so unsympathetic earlier.. and then she talked to Dad, took his bp etc. She suggested that she send a mental health assessor but that the soonest appointment would be the next morning.
As for the rest of the day.. you just had to be there to believe it. He was doing the weirdest things, wouldn’t let anyone go to the bathroom without a fight, wouldn’t let my brother cook for us and confiscated the shopping he brought. He peeled and cooked one potato.. and no word of a lie, he stood looking at this saucepan of cooked potato for 3 and a half hours. Nobody could go anywhere or do anything, and we couldn’t carry on like that. I phoned my uncle (Dad’s brother) and he came straight over.. and once he saw how bad Dad was we all agreed to try and get him in to hospital that night. Well.. that was the idea, but it took until 5am. We were all up all night and dad was still pacing around stopping anyone from going to the toilet or to get a drink. It was the weirdest, scariest, most heartbreaking night I’ve ever had. Dad wouldn’t let me near him and his eyes looked empty like he wasn’t there anymore.
I will continue this tomorrow, as the story doesn’t end there.
Amazingly, I woke up feeling much better today. I was convinced that I was coming down with something last night, but today thankfully I felt ok.
The day was pretty much the same as the last three. We stopped on the way to the cancer center and picked some fresh fish up for Dad’s dinner tonight.. and then had a smooth journey driving to his appointment, got there early and found a parking space straight away. Now he has completed four out of five radiotherapy sessions.
On the way home I witnessed the most beautiful sunset. I just had to stop the car and capture a quick snap on my phone. I did not manage to get the starlings flying in formation.. but there is one beautiful bird hiding in there.
I hope my few readers have had a good day, and I thank you for taking the time to stop by.