Quick update on dad.. Heartbroken 

I’m going to write properly whenever I get the chance.. 

In the meantime a quick update. Wednesday afternoon dad started getting really bad again. It took me from when I first called the doctors at 5:15 pm until 5:45 pm the following day to get help for him. No sleep, my mum was being held hostage in the bedroom. Police burst in and dad went flying. Dad tried jumping out of the window but somehow we managed to stop him.. He wouldn’t talk to any of us, it was awful. 

Finally psychiatrists came and they took him to a mental health clinic where he remains. Yesterday mum and i visited.. But he blames us for putting him there and thinks we betrayed him. 

I’m so so devastated. My heart is breaking over and over again.. 

The week my dad went mad

I’ve come up to my cold and lonely room so tired and in need of sleep. I struggled to sleep already, but the events of the last week have left terrible scars. If I were to explain, it would not ever put across quite what it has been like. But I shall try…

 

 

I believe my last post was about last Monday night when Mum was being sick and Dad started to talk nonsense. Well things got progressively worse as the week went on. Tuesday he was terrible and that night I managed to get him to go to bed eventually, Wednesday he was worse and showing serious signs of paranoia. He seemed to see me as the enemy and was trying to control which room I could be in and what I could do.  Mum and I both struggled to get him to go to bed but managed it eventually..

 

 

But Thursday I decided that Mum and I could no longer cope alone. I phoned my brother and asked him to come and be with Dad whilst Mum and I went to talk with a doctor about Dad. Our usual doctor was away and so we saw a woman, and she was so unhelpful and unsympathetic, we were very upset. She did agree to send an emergency doctor to our house later to assess Dad.. At this point Mum and I were so upset, we didn’t want to go straight home so we popped for coffee.

 

 

When we got home, Dad and my brother had been chatting. Apparently Dad kept running out and chucking used teabags out the door. Not long after our return the doctor we had seen earlier came. Amazingly she apologised for being so unsympathetic earlier.. and then she talked to Dad, took his bp etc.  She suggested that she send a mental health assessor but that the soonest appointment would be the next morning.

 

 

As for the rest of the day.. you just had to be there to believe it. He was doing the weirdest things, wouldn’t let anyone go to the bathroom without a fight, wouldn’t let my brother cook for us and confiscated the shopping he brought. He peeled and cooked one potato.. and no word of a lie, he stood looking at this saucepan of cooked potato for 3 and a half hours. Nobody could go anywhere or do anything, and we couldn’t carry on like that. I phoned my uncle (Dad’s brother) and he came straight over.. and once he saw how bad Dad was we all agreed to try and get him in to hospital that night. Well.. that was the idea, but it took until 5am. We were all up all night and dad was still pacing around stopping anyone from going to the toilet or to get a drink. It was the weirdest, scariest, most heartbreaking  night I’ve ever had. Dad wouldn’t let me near him and his eyes looked empty like he wasn’t there anymore.

 

 

 

I will continue this tomorrow, as the story doesn’t end there.

 

 

tbc…

 

 

 

Ambulance Mayhem

I haven’t posted much recently. I haven’t really had the energy, just about managing to keep us fed and watered.

 

 

Dad finished his radiotherapy on Friday 1st December. He seemed to be doing really well until last Thursday when in the evening he suddenly started being violently sick. At the time, I didn’t feel he was acting normal.. because of the fact he made no attempt to not get the sick everywhere and he was not making complete sense. I was also very worried in case he had overdosed on one of his tablets.. I have not felt comfortable letting him sort them out himself from day one.. but he is quite a force to reckon with and he wanted to do it all himself. I told him he should get a pill box, but he disregarded that idea.

 

 

He seemed ok over the weekend, but last night (Monday) Mum was the one being violently sick and in great pain. Dad went to call for an ambulance but bizarrely he was trying to get hold of his chemo helpline. Eventually when he got through to the ambulance, he started telling them about himself and his chemo.. and shouting at them that they had to come for Mum! They didn’t want to speak to him anymore and dealt with me, and soon after that an ambulance came.

 

 

It was all quite a crazy time. One minute I was upstairs trying to chill, the next I was in the middle of mayhem.

 

 

The ambulance man had barely got through the door before Dad was waving his medical card he has in his wallet at him. I had to tell the man that it was not to do with mum.. so the ambulance people were able to deal with Mum and ask her all sorts of questions.

 

 

Thankfully, Mum is ok( although weak and requiring further investigation).. but Dad has lost his mind. I realised this last night when he started telling me a story about him meeting the man over the road’s son in the Tesco toilets.. and that he could tell he had myeloma like him because he weed on the floor like he does ! Then he handed me a marmite jar and told me to look inside, which I did. It was just marmite, but Dad was looking at me like he expected me to be amazed.

 

 

Ever since then he has been coming out with so much nonsense, he has been so utterly confused. He doesn’t know what he is saying or doing.. what is real or imagined.. and we cannot let him do his tablets himself anymore.

 

 

I actually phoned his consultant today and told her my concerns.. she suggested that he has a couple of blood tests when he goes for his chemo injection tomorrow. She also said to stop the steroids for the time being, which meant I had to tell Dad I had spoken to her behind his back.

 

 

This is all so devastating for both Mum and I. It feels like he has literally gone overnight. I’m hoping and praying it is something that can be sorted with regard his meds, but honestly i’m so scared right now. Exhausted and scared. Heartbroken.

 

 

Christmas draws nearer..

Chemo day is upon us again. This is our life from now on, the hospital is our second home.

 
We were very relieved to get last week over and done with. Chemo is easy by comparison to the radiotherapy treatment. It made him sick and then the anti sickness tablets caused digestion problems. We had an impromptu hospital outing on Sunday as they were worried he may have a blockage.. but all was thankfully ok.

 
I’ve barely even thought about Christmas.. Is it really less than three weeks away? Help! I must admit I’ve always found it a difficult time of year. I’m not even sure my dad is going to let any family come this year, he is so worried about catching the flu or something because it could be really serious for him. My brother and sister in law suggested they get face masks!! What a bizarre Christmas day that would be, us all sitting around with masks on.

 
Oh well, one way or another it will be a Christmas like no other, I’m sure. Just hoping we are all able to make the best of everything together and enjoy each others company .. Because that’s what really matters. Screw the presents, I’m really not bothered about them.
Ho ho ho

Beautiful Sunset

 

Amazingly, I woke up feeling much better today. I was convinced that I was coming down with something last night, but today thankfully I felt ok.

 

 

The day was pretty much the same as the last three. We stopped on the way to the cancer center and picked some fresh fish up for Dad’s dinner tonight.. and then had a smooth journey driving to his appointment, got there early and found a parking space straight away. Now he has completed four out of five radiotherapy sessions.

 

 

On the way home I witnessed the most beautiful sunset. I just had to stop the car and capture a quick snap on my phone. I did not manage to get the starlings flying in formation.. but there is one beautiful bird hiding in there.

 

 

I hope my few readers have had a good day, and I thank you for taking the time to stop by.

 

 

x

 

Feeling low today 

This is how I feel today.. 

I’m so so tired and have a thumping head.. I hope I’m not coming down with something but I certainly feel like I may be. We can’t afford for dad to catch anything.. Because his immune system will be low.  He won’t be able to fight and it could result in him being admitted to hospital. So i’m hoping it’s just a headache. It seems like life is one massive headache at the moment. 

I don’t think I’m up to any dinner tonight. Fell asleep briefly on the sofa, which I never do. I’m desperate for a full night of quality sleep, but I struggle going to sleep and often wake up gasping in the night. At least tomorrow we don’t have an early start. 

Not enough Bubbles but ..

This is a sleepy-eyed late night post, don’t expect much from me 🙂

 

Yesterday was a bad day. Dad’s first radiotherapy session was pretty awful for him, and in the evening, whilst I was in the middle of cooking dinner, he came over really unwell being sick and feeling faint. He started to panic and so did I. He was asking for an ambulance, so we did call 999 and he spoke to someone who suggested he call his emergency chemo number. They reassured him and said he should take his anti-sickness tablets. Thankfully he  wasn’t sick anymore and got a good night’s sleep in the end (unlike myself).

 

Today his session was not so bad. We met a lovely lady in the waiting room who gave mum a hug and was so caring. Her husband had cancer 10 years ago, and now she is being treated for breast cancer. She left and when Dad went in to treatment we went over the road to the café, and the lady we had just met in the waiting room was there with her husband. The small café was rather full, so Mum and I ordered soup and asked if we could eat in the lounge area, which was sunny and quiet. They said that would be fine and we had our own waitress service.

 

After a while, the lady from the waiting room came over and gave us her number, in case we ever needed someone to talk to. We were very touched that she did that.. she didn’t have to.

 

On the way home we stopped off to get a few food essentials from M&S, and I picked up a coat I had ordered online (retail therapy again). It was the first time I had been in a big store in three years. It felt strange and daunting but it wasn’t busy and Mum was by my side.

 

Then, when I got home I did the best workout I’ve done for ages. I actually really enjoyed it and am feeling a bit fitter. I rewarded myself by enjoying a long hot bath with music and candles. Lovely.. although the bubbles were missing. The water pressure from our taps creates a pitiful amount, so I use our power shower to run the bath and get masses of bubbles. Well, our power shower has gone wrong, and most of the water now pours out the back. Hence I had an annoyingly tiny pile of bubbles. It dawned on me how lucky I was to be able to lie in a bath at all and that I should not feel dissatisfied. So I had a blissful bath in the end 🙂

 

There was a knock on the door this evening from another lady who lives a few doors down the road. My family have lived here for 35 years, and this lady has lived down the road as long.. my brother used to play with their two boys and I sometimes tried to tag along. Anyway, all grown up now and we literally haven’t spoken in some twenty-something years. But here she was now with some nutrition shakes for Dad and shortbread biscuits to cheer us all up. What a lovely kind gesture. I’ve had such a negative view of people, but honestly I am finding out that there are some really decent ones out there. Such a small gesture can make such a difference. Sometimes even a smile can brighten up a dull day.

 

Dad’s treatment today didn’t cause sickness tonight, which was a huge relief. He really is suffering though, finding the sessions extremely uncomfortable. I keep reminding him that he is almost half way there now. He seems to be getting back pain now though, which is worrying. Tomorrow is another day and the dreaded double.. both chemo and radiotherapy. Fingers crossed all goes well.