I sit and stare ahead of me
There is no bright future to see
All I want right now is poured
To take me from this girl abhorred
To hit this numbness deep inside
And give me somewhere else to hide
You don’t understand my self hatred
And tortured soul i drag around
I never existed long enough to be missed
Came from nowhere, back I go
It matters not, ‘I’ matter not
If I had a gun I would be shot
Straight into oblivion..gone like a puff of smoke
No reminders of this stupid joke
Or simple words that I once spoke
Oh, I wish. I really do. That I could be brave enough to..
Feeling really low and alone today. I think after recent events which I still haven’t written fully about..(actually I spent ages typing last night and my laptop crashed and lost everything. That pissed me off a lot). I’ve now got time to think again and take stock of it all.
The only two people I have in my life and I live for are my parents. I’ve always had fear and anxiety about losing them someday. I faced it all once fifteen years ago when mum had cancer. Back then I was an emotional wreck.
Thankfully mum had a successful operation and, touch wood, is doing well although she has many health issues. But now dad has cancer and it is not one which can be cured. We can hope that he will be lucky enough to get a good remission period..
Strangely, when mum was diagnosed all those years ago, I literally cried all the time. This time, I have not. It has fallen to me to be the strong one, to do all the cooking, washing, driving.. Which actually I’m delighted to do. But my emotions are more shut away. Maybe I’ve hardened.. Maybe I’ve grown up. I don’t think either of those two things to be true. I’m not strong, I feel extremely fragile and I am not a grown up.
Whenever the sad time comes that my parents are no longer around, I will have nobody. I do not see that I will carry on.
Valentines day is on the horizon again. I’ve dreamt my whole life of feeling special this day. I am 37 and it has never happened. Never have I had a nice meal for valentines, flowers or anything. I always try to pretend I don’t care of forget it exists. But secretly it hurts every time. I know it’s just another commercial ploy to take money off people.. But still.
I guess you can tell I’m feeling pretty sorry for myself today and depressed. My hormones are also screwing with me.. And I feel fat and horrid. Whilst I’ve been out a lot more and faced a lot recently because of dad’s illness.. I still don’t have any life of my own or independence. I don’t seem to be able to keep on top of anything, it always feels like I’m clawing through life trying to catch up. And I’m so tired. And lonely. Yes mostly lonely and afraid 😢
This is how I feel today..
I’m so so tired and have a thumping head.. I hope I’m not coming down with something but I certainly feel like I may be. We can’t afford for dad to catch anything.. Because his immune system will be low. He won’t be able to fight and it could result in him being admitted to hospital. So i’m hoping it’s just a headache. It seems like life is one massive headache at the moment.
I don’t think I’m up to any dinner tonight. Fell asleep briefly on the sofa, which I never do. I’m desperate for a full night of quality sleep, but I struggle going to sleep and often wake up gasping in the night. At least tomorrow we don’t have an early start.
I sit and silently stare ahead
The light between leaves dance around walls and bed
Passing heels and children squeals
Men go by with a cough and a sigh
The distant hum of traffic out there
All of the world now going somewhere
But not I
For I sit and wait, in anguish for news
Of whether he may live or die
There were no clues
He seemed so healthy, fit and strong
But inside it secretly ate him away
Wreaking its havoc as we carried on
Taking for granted
So now all I do is look up to the sky
With eyes full of heartbreak
I stamp and ask ‘why?’
The strange way you work
Just a mystery to me
I need him and I am not strong
Don’t you see
Land in my
Where did you go?
I beg for
Can take no more
I bow, I kneel, I pray
Exactly in the way
I always have
I always do
I always will
Be still you say
But I need something back
And I wait.. Still
Looking , searching
Listening for your heartbeat
But only mine
It beats alone
For can a lonely heart
The candle flickered against her breath.. darting and ducking, rising back up tall then crouching down again. She felt its warmth against her soft glowing skin as shadows moved and danced across the walls. There was no sound other than of her own breathing.. and the small murmur of her still beating heart was more of a dull vibration.
Long blonde hair draped down the sides of her face. Hands rested across each other on the table, her painted pink nails shone boldly. Suddenly she felt a wet drop upon them.. and with her mind not being in the room as she began weeping gently, the wetness of that droplet took her quite by surprise.
The emptiness of the room was synonymous with how her heart felt, but there was more than that. More than just emptiness, if emptiness is a thing at all. What she was feeling right there that night was a vicious cocktail of all the longings of the heart and soul, something so deep.. So profound. So painful and aching within her very life source. It was like a gruesome roadkill she couldn’t bear to look at being locked in with her.
She needed some respite, and the bottle of red she had saved for the right occasion seemed appropriate – even if when she bought it she had envisioned the occasion to be a slightly happier one.
The glass was large and the wine slipped down like a medicine ball crashing into her tummy. Seconds turned into minutes into hours into oblivion. This escape plan had not worked at all, for now she lay heaped on the floor wailing loudly like a child into a cushion and feeling the pain even more intensely than before.
‘I didn’t want to fall for him. I shouldn’t have. I haven’t have I?? Really?? I literally have”
She was wailing so loudly she didn’t hear him knocking at first, and when she did she fell silent pretending not to be there. But his voice called out her name, she heard him. It sounded like heaven. The voice that belonged to the man she knew she should never talk to again.
So she let him in.