Negative thoughts and me

I go to bed every night thinking I’ve wasted another precious day. I wake up every morning thinking not another fucking day. That’s my routine. I wake up feeling crap, my eyes hurt, my head hurts and I never want to leave my bed. The things I used to enjoy no longer grab me. Nothing does. I don’t know if there’s any fight left in me. The tasks I would have to undertake to ever live a normal life seem insurmountable to me. Overwhelming. To achieve any of them, I would surely need the will to live. But I seem to have mislaid that shit.

I feel sad a lot. I hate myself a lot. And as always that loneliness doesn’t let up. Yet recently I’ve been avoiding any human contact.. I see I’m not helping myself.. But everything just feels so pointless. I haven’t left the house in ages.

On the most part, Dad is doing well. I’ve been avoiding thinking about his illness as much as I can. I’ve been avoiding everything as much as I can.

I hate that I keep hearing Dad on the phone telling people it is terminal. I don’t want to go there, it’s more than I can bear. When the dreadful time comes.. Unless some miracle happens in the near future.. I think I will have to check out too. God knows.

It might be OK if perhaps one thing had worked out in my pathetic life. Career? Friends who truly care? And oh love, the pièce de résistance. The thing I craved my entire life. Love. Not to mention children, who to me could only be a by-product of aforementioned love.

I believe I had a lot of love to give. I believe I might have been a good mother. I believe my life had so much promise once, all of which I wasted.

I long to wake up one day with a spring in my step and a renewed sense of hope. A new zest for living.

One can but dream..

And Life.. (poem)

It has been an utter waste
As with food I cannot taste
All I have is nothingness
All I am.. No more, no less
A mass of cells
A cow with bells
Take her to market
Hope she sells
Lay down the carpet
Pop the cork
Feast on this banquet
With a fork
And knife
Look.. see
He has his wife

Home alone and shut the door
Lying heaped upon the floor
All I have is alcohol
All I crave is to be whole
A silly fool
Lies in a pool
Of tears and no-one
Hears her call
Open the window
Show yourself
Put on a good show
Cheers to health
And life
Look.. See
She has no life

Melancholy I’m afraid..

I sit and stare ahead of me
There is no bright future to see
All I want right now is poured
To take me from this girl abhorred
To hit this numbness deep inside
And give me somewhere else to hide

You don’t understand my self hatred

And tortured soul i drag around

I never existed long enough to be missed
Came from nowhere, back I go
It matters not, ‘I’ matter not
If I had a gun I would be shot
Straight into oblivion..gone like a puff of smoke
Nothing left
No reminders of this stupid joke
Or simple words that I once spoke

Oh, I wish. I really do. That I could be brave enough to..

Rejection and me

Rejection is no new thing to me. It’s something I should be used to, I should really have built up some immunity to it by now. I get very annoyed with myself that it still gets me, even now. I get annoyed that I dared to believe there would be any other outcome. I try, I fail. That’s my story. It sucks. I don’t want to have feelings anymore. I don’t want to be me anymore.

Social Disconnect and Loneliness

Oh how connected we are these days. Facebook, Twitter, instagram, email, text, Whatsapp..

But oh how disconnected we are these days.





We are a society that needs a loneliness minister.. Yes

I’m lonely. Many people are lonely. Loneliness does not discriminate on age, sex, religion.. It can choose anyone to visit.

And we are afraid. Afraid of strangers, of people who do not fit our idea of normal. We judge. We add to each others loneliness.

What is normal? I’ll show you mine, you show me yours.

We are busy, we are stressed. We don’t have enough money or time.. And most who do have enough money become obsessed with the things the money buys and forget to value people, love and kindness.

Do we even know our neighbours? Would we help them and trust that they would help us?

We forget how connected we really should be. That we came here the same way, we struggle the same emotions, fears, insecurities.. We eat, sleep..we all age eventually.

I swear if we all cared about each other, helped a stranger once in a while.. even just smiled at them, the world would become that much more beautiful and an easier to bear place. And if we noticed the people who are quiet, and showed them that they too matter a little in this aggressive go-getter society. Because those quiet people go through life the same, and they have gifts to offer the world. They just can’t force themselves onto others the way many can.

Social media could never be a substitute for real friendship or life. Nor could it be a true reflection of others lives. In actual fact what it does is distract us so that we forget to notice the person with tears in their eyes, or the old lady struggling to cross the road. And it numbs us so we forget to feel anymore.

I want to feel. I want to live. I want to smile and love indiscriminately. I want to make the world better in my tiny little way.

But i’m just a dreamer.. And I too am lonely.

Low mood..

Feeling really low and alone today. I think after recent events which I still haven’t written fully about..(actually I spent ages typing last night and my laptop crashed and lost everything. That pissed me off a lot). I’ve now got time to think again and take stock of it all. 

The only two people I have in my life and I live for are my parents. I’ve always had fear and anxiety about losing them someday. I faced it all once fifteen years ago when mum had cancer. Back then I was an emotional wreck. 

Thankfully mum had a successful operation and, touch wood, is doing well although she has many health issues. But now dad has cancer and it is not one which can be cured. We can hope that he will be lucky enough to get a good remission period.. 

Strangely, when mum was diagnosed all those years ago, I literally cried all the time. This time, I have not. It has fallen to me to be the strong one, to do all the cooking, washing, driving.. Which actually I’m delighted to do. But my emotions are more shut away. Maybe I’ve hardened.. Maybe I’ve grown up. I don’t think either of those two things to be true. I’m not strong, I feel extremely fragile and I am not a grown up. 

Whenever the sad time comes that my parents are no longer around, I will have nobody. I do not see that I will carry on. 

Valentines day is on the horizon again. I’ve dreamt my whole life of feeling special this day. I am 37 and it has never happened. Never have I had a nice meal for valentines, flowers or anything. I always try to pretend I don’t care of forget it exists. But secretly it hurts every time. I know it’s just another commercial ploy to take money off people.. But still. 

I guess you can tell I’m feeling pretty sorry for myself today and depressed. My hormones are also screwing with me.. And I feel fat and horrid. Whilst I’ve been out a lot more and faced a lot recently because of dad’s illness.. I still don’t have any life of my own or independence. I don’t seem to be able to keep on top of anything, it always feels like I’m clawing through life trying to catch up. And I’m so tired. And lonely. Yes mostly lonely and afraid 😢

Drip away to nothing.. Poem

Clonk clonk clonk goes the lonely clock
In time with her old fragile tock
And then in chimes another beat
From heels upon her worn out feet
They carry her like deadened weight
The way a train may carry freight
No life, just passing through this place
Tears trickle down lines on her face
And drip away to nothing
Brushing past a painted smile
That kept her going for a while
Until it dripped away to nothing
All was gone
The dreams of him
Or little ones
That love may bring
They faded
And just dripped away to nothing
They were gone