The beginning of 2019

I’m really really sad. Spent the night in tears, looking through old pictures of dad. My heart is breaking for real..

I knew I was dreading his hospital appointment yesterday. For good reason. He now has tumors in his ribs, spine and pelvis and his blood protein levels are high. He’s going back on chemo but without being able to take steroids his chances of remission are not good. So the consultant wants to try him on a different steroid. However, he’s going to ask the psychiatrist who looked after him last year (we didn’t like him) whether he will give the go ahead. If he says no then we’re basically fucked. We would fight that decision.

On top of everything, he’s ill in bed with a nasty cold and faringitis. I’m really worrying because his immune system is compromised with this disease as it affects his white blood cells. I don’t know how worried I should be or how to know if he is developing an infection. Plus I feel awfully guilty because he caught the cold from me.

I did celebrate new year’s eve quietly at home with mum and dad, but in my heart I didn’t want this year to ever start. I know it is going to be extremely tough and I don’t feel strong enough to go through it. I don’t know how to get from one day to the next and I’m shit scared.

People and me.. Why do I bother?

I feel drained and spent right now. Like the world has sucked the life out of me. People take and take but never give back to me, and I’m not talking about money, although I have now spent over £235 on my homeless friend. And I find out that he spends a lot of it on weed. I understand that he finds life hard and needs a vice.. But I am not working and have spent so much time and energy trying to help him, I don’t mind getting necessities for him but to me weed is a piss take.

Almost two months ago I spent hours of hard labour clearing and cleaning another friends rancid rubbish from her flat.. And taking it to the tip. I turned up with pizza for her. She had since had the whole flat decorated, but do you think I’ve heard from her or had an invite to see the newly decorated flat? Of course fucking not. I don’t want much, just to feel of worth. That’s all.

What I really long to get back from people is the sense that they acknowledge me as a person who has her own needs, hangups, insecurities.. Someone who is allowed to be weak herself sometimes. Someone who needs a friend to be there for her rather than feeling its my job to be there for the other person. I’m not allowed to need to turn to alcohol to survive, but other people can do what the fuck they feel they need to survive. I’m just supposed to be there for them and then when they hurt me I’m supposed to forgive, even though they damn certainly wouldn’t forgive the same behaviour if it came from me.

I’m sick of people. They drop me like a sack of rubbish, like the friend I went to Malta with did. Like my friend off here did. Like everyone does eventually. So sick of everything, I feel burned out. I don’t belong in this selfish world, I’m too sensitive. I’m fucking exhausted with life. And this cough still won’t go. Fuck it.

P. S. Apologies for my language today, but it kind of expresses how I’m feeling.

Being an Infp empath in this heartless world..

I can’t change the essence of who I am. I’m a caring, kind and forgiving person. I look for the best in people, I want to believe the best of people. I will go out of my way to help someone. I value these qualities about myself, and I do not want to change them. I just want to get them under control because sometimes they are to the detriment of my own well being.

What I have come to understand in recent times, is how much other people see my kindness as weakness to abuse. Time and time again this proves to be true.

One thing I want and need to work on is the ability to recognise when people are abusing my good nature, and the strength to put myself first and walk away.

The problem is that, even when I know a person is not treating me right, I still feel very bad for them if they get upset when I try and walk away. This is something I must accept about myself, but my brain must learn to overrule my heart.

I do tend to reach a point where I draw the line, but it is usually after being treated like a fool for sometime and forgiving numerous times. I’m not quick to write people off.

But I have my own problems and inner demons that I deal with, and sometimes I could do with someone else being kind, caring and forgiving towards me..

I don’t like selfishness as a character trait.. But I am going to start being selfish and putting my needs first. I’m trying to survive in what to me feels like a hard, cruel and uncaring world. I need to do what I need to do.

I will never stop being kind, but I will stop being taken for a ride. That is all.

In just two months..

It has been an eventful two months..

From someone getting back in touch and me being delighted to hear from them.. To them promising they’d never just cut me off and hurt me again.. To them cutting me off and hurting me again two weeks later.. To me going to Malta with a friend I didn’t know well.. To discovering we weren’t suited as friends.. To an extremely awkward flight home avoiding each other during which I discovered a strength I didn’t know I had.. To meeting lots of new people.. To becoming a year older.. To my mum having regular attacks from her hernia, being in pain and vomiting.. To scaffolding, men and chaos all around as roofers bang and crash from early in the morning.. To helping a friend clear her flat of rancid rubbish.. To starting counselling.. To discovering my brothers best friend from school and his beautiful dog had become homeless.. To the last two weeks trekking to and from a graveyard where he had a tent hidden.. Supporting him as much as I could, mostly letting him know he is not alone, bringing him home for showers and food.. To me now being ill with a chest infection.

The picture is the homeless doggy.. Gorgeous

Going into therapy..

I finally took courage and phoned the counsellor to arrange a first appointment. Now I just need to make myself go through with it.. I’m very very anxious about it.

I’m sure she won’t have come across many people quite as complicated and odd as me. Previous attempts at any kind of therapy weren’t great, and I think I didn’t put the effort in that I should have done. I was not present or willing to trust, I refused to make any eye contact and didn’t build a relationship. I was always convinced the person would not like me.

Of course, it’s hard to trust someone when you know they are charging you to talk to them. It’s not like they care and want to be in your company. That said, I suppose their career choice is indicative of their heart and motives generally. And everyone needs to make a living.

I pray that I will benefit from this. I need to do something, because i can’t carry on as I am. Something has to change, and that something has to be me. The way I think.. The way i process and deal with everything.. The way I react. I’m sorry it has taken me this long to be brave enough. But really I’m not a brave person. Extremely foolish, fragile and child like, but not brave.

Scared..

Drowning

And so it will be October tomorrow.. the decline of light into darkness, green into mush, warm into cold. I don’t like it, I never have. I get depressed all year, but it feels harder and harder to face the winter as each year passes.

This time a year ago we didn’t know that Dad would be diagnosed with incurable cancer, nor did we know that Mum would have a heart condition. I often think back to times spent with my parents when we lived as if we had forever. I wish I could go back and truly appreciate what we had.. but that is never possible for us foolish humans to do. We all know it will never be that way again. There is a constant cloud hanging over us, teasing us, taunting us. Reminding us that we are transient beings.

I’ve felt terribly lost and alone my entire life.. as if i’ve just somehow stumbled to where I now find myself.. 38 in October.. and absolutely nothing to show for it. I could blame a lot of things and circumstances.. but ultimately I must accept that there is nobody to blame but me. I fucked it all up and now I am here. If I could turn back the clock, I would do so many things differently..

Referring to my last post, alcohol and me have had a complicated and unhealthy relationship throughout my life. This is something that literally started the first time I drank a little at the age of fourteen..My parents had allowed me a bit of sherry with the meal, and I had then taken it upon myself to find the bottle which was almost full and drink the rest of it. I was so ill, I had at least two days off school. Of course, we never told the school the real reason.

So, whilst I beat myself up for the number of occasions I have abused alcohol, I partly feel that a personality trait exists within me that was there from day one and I couldn’t help. Recent events scared me a lot, because I did things that are not me and that I would never do otherwise, and in doing so I put myself in grave danger.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not your usual type of alcoholic. I do not wake up and crave a drink, nor do I have to drink daily, weekly or even monthly. But when I do, and when I get that feeling of relaxation from my anxieties and escapism.. I want more of that feeling. I feel like I am invincible.

I’ve finally decided to go and talk to a counsellor, and I have found someone who I will contact this week. I don’t know if it will help, but I want to start working on and addressing the things that hold me back. I realise i’m utterly lost and I can’t do this alone anymore. If i’m finding life too hard now, the future looks even scarier. I need help.

I went out this afternoon with my parents for a meal, but we were unable to finish because Mum’s pain she gets due to her hernia meant that we had to get her to the ladies and then leave quickly. In fact, I can hear her vomiting downstairs as I write this. Dad is due back on chemo in a few weeks.. and then he will be vomiting all the time again. I don’t think I can face this winter.

I do so wish I wasn’t so alone. On the way home I looked out at the people enjoying their afternoon.. and 99% of people were as a couple walking hand in hand. I have never had that sort of companionship, and I doubt I ever will.

I just need a cuddle. I’m a cuddly person, but there is nobody.. not even a pet to do it with. I always felt that my mum never cuddled me as a child, but then I felt guilty for thinking that and that I must have got it wrong. Then recently my Dad said to me about Mum “she never held you or cuddled you” and suddenly I felt validated in how I felt. She’s such an enigma because she’s so sensitive and loving.. but I guess maybe because her mum wasn’t warm.. she just didn’t know how to be that way. Or maybe she just couldn’t bond with me back then. I know she loves me nonetheless.. and I love her beyond words, as goes for both my parents.

All I know is that I know fuck all and i’m lost and drowning. Please hug me..

Anyway, i’m jumping around with random thoughts as always. I shall sign off with love and best wishes..

me x

The grump nor mum and dad’s health spoiled my first concert in years

Tonight I was in a different town for a concert with my parents. We almost didn’t make it in because mum was unwell with her pain re her hernia. Then I missed the first song because I had to queue for the ladies.. And when I got in I asked mum (quietly) how she was feeling. My god, the man in front did the most dramatic and aggressive head turn I’ve ever seen. Needless to say, I didn’t make another sound. Then at the interval I tapped him on the shoulder and apologised for speaking earlier but that mum hasn’t been well and I was asking her how she was feeling.

The second half we were all quiet, and at the end I made the awful mistake of asking him if they enjoyed the show. He then said.. and I quote.. “you need to work on your apologies.. we all have personal tragedies”.. Wow. What an uptight prick (language young lady). I got away quick but find myself considering how frequently he must get himself into arguments and grief.. Or how often he must be dissatisfied with life. Get a grip mate… Some people seem to want constant drama in their lives. I do NOT want that.

Anyway, rant over. Despite that, the first time I’ve seen this artist in several years and it was a great evening. Mum was thankfully OK for the concert, although unable to eat with us beforehand and we thought she wouldn’t be able to go. Dad enjoyed it and now we are in a lovely B&B. I will be amused if that grumpy guy is on the table next to us at breakfast..